I know that anything worth while is worth working for, but what happens when you realize that the work required is uneven. Pairs need equitable teamwork. A pair of oxen or horses would end up in circles if one is working harder than the other. A dance partnership would land on its face or behind if one worked harder than the other.
How do I know if I am working hard enough? Am I working at protecting myself or am I really making an effort for our relationship? I have dug some holes in the sense that I am doing a lot of things. Things that help me to avoid what may be wrong, difficult or necessary.
I find it more an more challenging to spend time with someone who seems to be absorbed in the tv, has no desire to spend time with our friends or do anything together away from the TV. I no longer like the same kind of shows, watch a fraction of TV and feel that the lack of effort in respecting my wishes in eroding any efforts I have made.
Even common courtesy seems to be falling away. When he is late for work, there is never a phone call. When he is out of town there is never a message confirming safe arrival, but I work hard to do that. I don't understand why this is happening. I don't appreciate being the one that is trying, but I can see where the activities I am choosing may also contribute to dividing us further.
I have chosen to try to work smarter in other areas of my life. How can we both work smarter towards building our relationship rather than eroding what is left of it? I need help in forgiving the judgements, the curt comments and the cutting criticism. I don't know how to put a stop to it and feel like I freeze when it happens which I am sure does nothing to prevent it again.
Hoping that I can find the right path in 2013 and determine the right way of dealing with things.
Needing prayer and wisdom to move in the steps that God would have me.
Sunday, 23 December 2012
Saturday, 15 December 2012
Resignation?
What happens when you try to make up for lost time? What happens when the supposed 'quality' time lacks just that? What happens when the relationship becomes so much of an effort that it seems too painful? It is becoming too difficult to feel like the only one making an effort. It hurts to realize that getting back to the same wave length may take more work than I can muster the heart for.
The differences in perspectives comes into stark focus when the motivation behind gift giving is so disparaglingly different! To such a point that I would be embarrassed to be associated with the idea of resigning to a gift card unless it has been asked for. Might as well just give someone an envelop with cash in it and say Merry Christmas.
I am tired of making the effort to do something special when there doesn't even seem to be the motivation to try and think beyond the obligation. It is not what is meant by gift giving. I delight in trying to find the right thing, something special for each person, something unique. How is it that a business card size of plastic can hold any meaning to the true gift of Christmas... but hey, that doesn't even matter when the refusal to attend church is so cold and sharp.
Am I heartbroken by the refusal to embrace the gift God has given each us or am I letting my pride and values be stepped on?
The differences in perspectives comes into stark focus when the motivation behind gift giving is so disparaglingly different! To such a point that I would be embarrassed to be associated with the idea of resigning to a gift card unless it has been asked for. Might as well just give someone an envelop with cash in it and say Merry Christmas.
I am tired of making the effort to do something special when there doesn't even seem to be the motivation to try and think beyond the obligation. It is not what is meant by gift giving. I delight in trying to find the right thing, something special for each person, something unique. How is it that a business card size of plastic can hold any meaning to the true gift of Christmas... but hey, that doesn't even matter when the refusal to attend church is so cold and sharp.
Am I heartbroken by the refusal to embrace the gift God has given each us or am I letting my pride and values be stepped on?
Tuesday, 13 November 2012
Analysis
So an opportunity presents itself. I am not certain I agree that the candidate who has self identified is the best person. I am not sure that I could do a better job administratively, but know that I have the skills to offer and may be able to do the job with God's will. I am praying and seeking God's will and discernment about what is the most appropriate thing to do before I put my name forward.
I am disappointed in the group that I am working with as I feel that I am not on the same spiritual level and have different priorities. I am disappointed that the next meeting is booked while I am
away. I am getting the sense that maybe it is better just to step away and leave things in God's hands.
I also feel that it means that I am not answering the call that I should. That I should be stepping up and serving God even though I might not be on the same page. Is it supposed to be an up hill battle? Is it that I need to have more faith in God to move forward and let things fall where they may?
I am so uncertain and really don't know. I could put my name forward and see what the selection process results in. I will not be insulted, but sense that the other person may take it personally. I believe that it is a role of team building and not a role for questioning, undermining and eroding the the cohesive progress already made.
May I be the clay that God would have me be and conform to the role that I need to.
God bless.
I am disappointed in the group that I am working with as I feel that I am not on the same spiritual level and have different priorities. I am disappointed that the next meeting is booked while I am
away. I am getting the sense that maybe it is better just to step away and leave things in God's hands.
I also feel that it means that I am not answering the call that I should. That I should be stepping up and serving God even though I might not be on the same page. Is it supposed to be an up hill battle? Is it that I need to have more faith in God to move forward and let things fall where they may?
I am so uncertain and really don't know. I could put my name forward and see what the selection process results in. I will not be insulted, but sense that the other person may take it personally. I believe that it is a role of team building and not a role for questioning, undermining and eroding the the cohesive progress already made.
May I be the clay that God would have me be and conform to the role that I need to.
God bless.
Sunday, 4 November 2012
Conviction, Confusion, Avoidance, Fear or Doubt
Navigating life in church is difficult at best when living with an alcoholic. Without betraying my spouse, how do I celebrate the appreciation of a sober time together? Without bringing embarrassment or betrayal, how do I share that God has given me strength in the darkest moments of my life?
When I cannot take my church life and the challenges, the joy of success and find a kindred spirit in my spouse, who do I take these things too? I am facing the challenge of continuing a key role or relinquishing it all together. I have been praying and reading scriptures and get the sense that perhaps I am to step up to the challenge despite my lack of confidence, my fear of failure and my doubt that I may not be on the same page spiritually as others.
I am praying for discernment and wisdom in moving forward and a clear understanding of what I am to do. I so wish that I could sit down and discuss it with my spouse, but other times when I bring up things that have been issues at church, I get a very unchristian type of response.
How do I face the challenge of contributing to the leadership of my church when I know that my relationship at home is strained and that currently I am living unequally yoked? Without betraying my spouse, how do I share my testimony of struggle, grief, assurance, and hope?
I know there is much to continue to work on in my marriage, but there has been significant progress in some areas and not so much in others. I fear that sharing this heartache much further will only jeopardize his trust and faith in the church.
I also struggle to see if I am connected at the same level spiritually at church. There is barely anyone my age at church and I have no one I feel comfortable confiding in. I fear that I am not able to carry out my job well and wonder if I should resign. I am torn between stepping up and walking away to another church given current politics, and unchristian like decisions, actions and maneuverings.
If I cannot trust and rely upon the people I am to work with, how can I take on a leadership role with them? If I cannot be feed in the church I am in and am working so hard at feeding others, how can I sustain that? If others don't step up, how can I be encouraged?
Are my doubts and questions a way of avoiding taking on the responsibility? Am I reverting to a level of selfishness that I feel is surrounding me? How can I be certain that my doubts are reasonable and not negativity creeping in?
I am not looking for intimacy, but am looking for someone to have a reasonable conversation around this that can give me guidance to the right perspective. I am praying, but just when I think I might have it figured out, I experience something that brings confusion back and leans me in the opposite direction. I am not seeking more responsibility for pride or position, but I am concerned about the leadership direction that may result if I don't step up. Perhaps that is the direction in which the people wish to go even though it may not be the direction God would like his church to go.
Praying for clarity of understanding and discernment to know when to make the decision.
God bless.
When I cannot take my church life and the challenges, the joy of success and find a kindred spirit in my spouse, who do I take these things too? I am facing the challenge of continuing a key role or relinquishing it all together. I have been praying and reading scriptures and get the sense that perhaps I am to step up to the challenge despite my lack of confidence, my fear of failure and my doubt that I may not be on the same page spiritually as others.
I am praying for discernment and wisdom in moving forward and a clear understanding of what I am to do. I so wish that I could sit down and discuss it with my spouse, but other times when I bring up things that have been issues at church, I get a very unchristian type of response.
How do I face the challenge of contributing to the leadership of my church when I know that my relationship at home is strained and that currently I am living unequally yoked? Without betraying my spouse, how do I share my testimony of struggle, grief, assurance, and hope?
I know there is much to continue to work on in my marriage, but there has been significant progress in some areas and not so much in others. I fear that sharing this heartache much further will only jeopardize his trust and faith in the church.
I also struggle to see if I am connected at the same level spiritually at church. There is barely anyone my age at church and I have no one I feel comfortable confiding in. I fear that I am not able to carry out my job well and wonder if I should resign. I am torn between stepping up and walking away to another church given current politics, and unchristian like decisions, actions and maneuverings.
If I cannot trust and rely upon the people I am to work with, how can I take on a leadership role with them? If I cannot be feed in the church I am in and am working so hard at feeding others, how can I sustain that? If others don't step up, how can I be encouraged?
Are my doubts and questions a way of avoiding taking on the responsibility? Am I reverting to a level of selfishness that I feel is surrounding me? How can I be certain that my doubts are reasonable and not negativity creeping in?
I am not looking for intimacy, but am looking for someone to have a reasonable conversation around this that can give me guidance to the right perspective. I am praying, but just when I think I might have it figured out, I experience something that brings confusion back and leans me in the opposite direction. I am not seeking more responsibility for pride or position, but I am concerned about the leadership direction that may result if I don't step up. Perhaps that is the direction in which the people wish to go even though it may not be the direction God would like his church to go.
Praying for clarity of understanding and discernment to know when to make the decision.
God bless.
Thursday, 1 November 2012
Easy to forget...
Sometime when we are struggling we forget how much we have to be thankful for. It is easy to become so focused on the challenges, the trials, the frustrations, the disappointments, the hurts and the sadness associated with a relationship with someone who has an addiction.
It is easy to forget the blessings that God has given us such as special friends who have been the supportive shoulder and the fresh perspective. The fact that my children have grown into amazing young people and that I have a job, a home and friends.
Sometimes it is surprising to think that maybe we need to be thankful for the struggle we might be facing. There is a story which has been attributed to Henry Miller which recognizes that dealing with struggle can be a form of strengthening for the future.
This is the story of a little boy and a butterfly........
Have you ever stopped to think about the life of a butterfly? We all know that the first stage in a Butterfly’s life is as a caterpillar and that it has to spin a cocoon, then it must lay dormant for awhile and finally a wonderful process happens and the result is a beautiful butterfly.
What can we learn from the story of the butterfly?
Once upon a time there was a young boy who always asked why? He needed to know the reason for everything and sometime he drove his family crazy with his questions. He was out walking in the park with his mother one day and he saw a beautiful butterfly. He said, “ I wish I was a beautiful butterfly - no worries, brightly coloured wings and the ability to go wherever I want. His mother smiled and said, “ it sounds like a wonderful dream but do you know where that butterfly comes from and what it must do before it becomes that beautiful butterfly?.
The young boy shook his head - then ask the question? Where do butterfly’s come from? His mother sat him down on a park bench and began to explain how the butterfly starts out life as a caterpillar, crawling around the ground, hiding from birds who might just look on them as tasty morsels for an afternoon snack. She explained that the caterpillar decides when it’s time to rest and they find a comfortable tree or a shady spot and they spin a cocoon - almost like a silken blanket that covers them from top to bottom. It’s a warm, safe spot and soon the caterpillar begins to change, shedding their not so pretty look and beginning to develop the wonderful beauty that will eventually become a butterfly. The mother explained that the change takes time, but that it always happens and the result is a beautiful butterfly.
The young boy was really excited and asked if he could watch a caterpillar change into a butterfly - mom agreed and at the right time of the season - they went “caterpillar” hunting - looking for that perfect caterpillar, one they could watch and actually see the changes happening.
They found the perfect caterpillar and carefully placed it in a big jar - feeding it lots of leaves and making sure that the caterpillar had plenty of room within his safe environment. Sure enough, he began to spin the cocoon and eventually the caterpillar was completely covered with a silken blanket - there was nothing visible for the little boy to see, but the silken bundle.
He waited patiently watching and checking the jar daily, one day, he saw the cocoon beginning to move, ever so slowly a small hole was punctured in the silken bundle - the young boy was so excited he could hardly contain himself - he was anxiously awaiting the “birth” of his special butterfly! As he watched the bundle continued to move, but nothing was happening to the small hole in the end....the hours passed and still no butterfly.......he couldn’t understand what was taking so long......
He thought - what can I do? He had an idea, he said - “I know! I will get my mom’s scissors and help the butterfly get out, I’ll cut a little larger hole in the end of the cocoon and this will help the butterfly get out.” He got a small pair of scissors and quickly snipped a little piece off the end of the cocoon - proud that he had helped the butterfly out. He watched the expanded hole and soon out came ......a strange looking creature, not a beautiful butterfly - not with beautiful wings, but an odd shaped and awkward creature - “Mom lied” he thought and quickly ran to tell her what had happened.
His mother looked at the cocoon, and at the poor unfortunate creature that had emerged and she quietly explained what had happened.
You see the butterfly must break out the cocoon without help, because each push and thrust to break through causes the butterfly’s body to strengthen and shape up to allow it to fly when it emerges......
What the little boy didn’t realize was that sometimes you have to struggle first, before you can fly.....
Just like the butterfly .......we can all fly, but sometimes we have to struggle first........
The young boy learned a valuable lesson - sometimes a helping hand, isn’t what’s needed - it’s the opportunity to let nature take it’s course and work with the powers within ourselves.
1 Peter 5:10 ESV
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
On good days and bad may we remember to always thank God.
God bless.
It is easy to forget the blessings that God has given us such as special friends who have been the supportive shoulder and the fresh perspective. The fact that my children have grown into amazing young people and that I have a job, a home and friends.
Sometimes it is surprising to think that maybe we need to be thankful for the struggle we might be facing. There is a story which has been attributed to Henry Miller which recognizes that dealing with struggle can be a form of strengthening for the future.
Networking is about building relationships, helping others and
helping ourselves, sometimes we need to learn to let nature take it’s
course......we can’t always have what we want, when we want it. The story below
is a lesson in life.
This is the story of a little boy and a butterfly........
Have you ever stopped to think about the life of a butterfly? We all know that the first stage in a Butterfly’s life is as a caterpillar and that it has to spin a cocoon, then it must lay dormant for awhile and finally a wonderful process happens and the result is a beautiful butterfly.
What can we learn from the story of the butterfly?
Once upon a time there was a young boy who always asked why? He needed to know the reason for everything and sometime he drove his family crazy with his questions. He was out walking in the park with his mother one day and he saw a beautiful butterfly. He said, “ I wish I was a beautiful butterfly - no worries, brightly coloured wings and the ability to go wherever I want. His mother smiled and said, “ it sounds like a wonderful dream but do you know where that butterfly comes from and what it must do before it becomes that beautiful butterfly?.
The young boy shook his head - then ask the question? Where do butterfly’s come from? His mother sat him down on a park bench and began to explain how the butterfly starts out life as a caterpillar, crawling around the ground, hiding from birds who might just look on them as tasty morsels for an afternoon snack. She explained that the caterpillar decides when it’s time to rest and they find a comfortable tree or a shady spot and they spin a cocoon - almost like a silken blanket that covers them from top to bottom. It’s a warm, safe spot and soon the caterpillar begins to change, shedding their not so pretty look and beginning to develop the wonderful beauty that will eventually become a butterfly. The mother explained that the change takes time, but that it always happens and the result is a beautiful butterfly.
The young boy was really excited and asked if he could watch a caterpillar change into a butterfly - mom agreed and at the right time of the season - they went “caterpillar” hunting - looking for that perfect caterpillar, one they could watch and actually see the changes happening.
They found the perfect caterpillar and carefully placed it in a big jar - feeding it lots of leaves and making sure that the caterpillar had plenty of room within his safe environment. Sure enough, he began to spin the cocoon and eventually the caterpillar was completely covered with a silken blanket - there was nothing visible for the little boy to see, but the silken bundle.
He waited patiently watching and checking the jar daily, one day, he saw the cocoon beginning to move, ever so slowly a small hole was punctured in the silken bundle - the young boy was so excited he could hardly contain himself - he was anxiously awaiting the “birth” of his special butterfly! As he watched the bundle continued to move, but nothing was happening to the small hole in the end....the hours passed and still no butterfly.......he couldn’t understand what was taking so long......
He thought - what can I do? He had an idea, he said - “I know! I will get my mom’s scissors and help the butterfly get out, I’ll cut a little larger hole in the end of the cocoon and this will help the butterfly get out.” He got a small pair of scissors and quickly snipped a little piece off the end of the cocoon - proud that he had helped the butterfly out. He watched the expanded hole and soon out came ......a strange looking creature, not a beautiful butterfly - not with beautiful wings, but an odd shaped and awkward creature - “Mom lied” he thought and quickly ran to tell her what had happened.
His mother looked at the cocoon, and at the poor unfortunate creature that had emerged and she quietly explained what had happened.
You see the butterfly must break out the cocoon without help, because each push and thrust to break through causes the butterfly’s body to strengthen and shape up to allow it to fly when it emerges......
What the little boy didn’t realize was that sometimes you have to struggle first, before you can fly.....
Just like the butterfly .......we can all fly, but sometimes we have to struggle first........
The young boy learned a valuable lesson - sometimes a helping hand, isn’t what’s needed - it’s the opportunity to let nature take it’s course and work with the powers within ourselves.
1 Peter 5:10 ESV
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.
On good days and bad may we remember to always thank God.
God bless.
Sunday, 21 October 2012
Forgotten
It is one thing to forget someone's birthday, but it is quite another to forget the birthday of your spouse. After a number of consecutive evenings of drinking, why would I have been surprised that my special day would be forgotten. Not just the morning, not even that evening... one would think that as I dashed off to the license bureau might have been an indicator.
For the first time in 27 years, he forgot my birthday. Is it really about me? Even if it isn't supposed to be, I could not believe how heart broken I felt. Even the next morning there was no comment. I did come home to an apology that evening and there appeared to be honest remorse.
I am trying to comprehend how much more hurt I can take. I really struggled the other day as folks asked me if I had done anything special for my birthday and I could not admit that it had been forgotten. It still stings. Despite everything, it just feels like I cannot clear this fog and I don't want to be feeling this down. There is so much to appreciate, but I can't appreciate with a joyful heart right now and that feels so wrong.
Praying for strength, discernment, patience and wisdom to know what needs to be done. I just feel like I keep putting my heart out there to get squished over and over again. If my heart belongs to Jesus, why does it keep getting hurt?
For the first time in 27 years, he forgot my birthday. Is it really about me? Even if it isn't supposed to be, I could not believe how heart broken I felt. Even the next morning there was no comment. I did come home to an apology that evening and there appeared to be honest remorse.
I am trying to comprehend how much more hurt I can take. I really struggled the other day as folks asked me if I had done anything special for my birthday and I could not admit that it had been forgotten. It still stings. Despite everything, it just feels like I cannot clear this fog and I don't want to be feeling this down. There is so much to appreciate, but I can't appreciate with a joyful heart right now and that feels so wrong.
Praying for strength, discernment, patience and wisdom to know what needs to be done. I just feel like I keep putting my heart out there to get squished over and over again. If my heart belongs to Jesus, why does it keep getting hurt?
Tuesday, 16 October 2012
Why?
What is that attraction? What does alcohol do that is just so important? Why does is become more important than the way one treats their family? How can it command such loyalty to the detriment of professed loved ones?
Things had seemed to be going so well. Granted some issues and occasional drinking, but two nights now of heavier drinking? Angry and insulting outbursts? What is going on? How can this be? Why?
I just don't understand. Hope this is just a blip.
Will keep praying.
God bless.
Things had seemed to be going so well. Granted some issues and occasional drinking, but two nights now of heavier drinking? Angry and insulting outbursts? What is going on? How can this be? Why?
I just don't understand. Hope this is just a blip.
Will keep praying.
God bless.
Monday, 8 October 2012
Thankfulness
It was interesting to note on facebook someone mentioned listing 100 things that one would be thankful for and another mentioned listing the first 5 things that came to mind that one was thankful for.
I guess I am most thankful for the people that God has surrounded me with. My support system one might say my Aunt and my very best friends. I am thankful for my children. They are great kids despite moments when they break my heart. And I am thankful for my husband who loves me. I am thankful for our time together - it will be 25 years this week. I have learnt much from him and he has taught me a lot about myself. So would would people make up most of my top 10?
I am thankful for the opportunity to work with youth. I think they teach me more than anything else. I am thankful for the opportunity to be part of a worship team and the music we share. It is truly one of the most touching parts of my week.
I am thankful for many other things as I am truly blessed, but I believe that if I lost these other things that the people would make a difference in being able to manage that loss. I am thankful for the things about life that people like my father and my grandparents have taught me and things that even my mother has taught me.
I am thankful for freedom to worship and attend church, the opportunity to participate in an amazing weekend last week. I appreciate my good health, having a job, a home, freedom to worship, attend church or having a home despite the state of renovations at the moment. I appreciate being able to capture the world in pictures and the beauty that I am sometimes blessed to see in those pictures. I am thankful for healing and forgiveness and time and growth and the opportunity to realize that I have grown and I have a long way to go. I am thankful for good changes and opportunities to learn. I am very thankful that alcohol is playing less of a role in someones life.
I guess the biggest lesson is that I need to consider and remind myself is that God has provided me with much and that despite the challenges that life has brought, God has brought me through them by connecting me with special people and the right people at the right time. So yes, there may be 100 things, there may be more from having daily showers to the comfort of a bus ride to work or food on the table, but I could not be thankful for all of this if I could not appreciate that God has provided all of this for me. It is something that I have taken for granted when I have struggled with other things, but I am thankful that God is part of my life and I only wish that I could reciprocate what He deserves in appreciation.
I guess I am most thankful for the people that God has surrounded me with. My support system one might say my Aunt and my very best friends. I am thankful for my children. They are great kids despite moments when they break my heart. And I am thankful for my husband who loves me. I am thankful for our time together - it will be 25 years this week. I have learnt much from him and he has taught me a lot about myself. So would would people make up most of my top 10?
I am thankful for the opportunity to work with youth. I think they teach me more than anything else. I am thankful for the opportunity to be part of a worship team and the music we share. It is truly one of the most touching parts of my week.
I am thankful for many other things as I am truly blessed, but I believe that if I lost these other things that the people would make a difference in being able to manage that loss. I am thankful for the things about life that people like my father and my grandparents have taught me and things that even my mother has taught me.
I am thankful for freedom to worship and attend church, the opportunity to participate in an amazing weekend last week. I appreciate my good health, having a job, a home, freedom to worship, attend church or having a home despite the state of renovations at the moment. I appreciate being able to capture the world in pictures and the beauty that I am sometimes blessed to see in those pictures. I am thankful for healing and forgiveness and time and growth and the opportunity to realize that I have grown and I have a long way to go. I am thankful for good changes and opportunities to learn. I am very thankful that alcohol is playing less of a role in someones life.
I guess the biggest lesson is that I need to consider and remind myself is that God has provided me with much and that despite the challenges that life has brought, God has brought me through them by connecting me with special people and the right people at the right time. So yes, there may be 100 things, there may be more from having daily showers to the comfort of a bus ride to work or food on the table, but I could not be thankful for all of this if I could not appreciate that God has provided all of this for me. It is something that I have taken for granted when I have struggled with other things, but I am thankful that God is part of my life and I only wish that I could reciprocate what He deserves in appreciation.
Psalm 95
1 Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord;
let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.
2 Let us come before him with thanksgiving
and extol him with music and song.
let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.
2 Let us come before him with thanksgiving
and extol him with music and song.
3 For the Lord is the great God,
the great King above all gods.
4 In his hand are the depths of the earth,
and the mountain peaks belong to him.
5 The sea is his, for he made it,
and his hands formed the dry land.
the great King above all gods.
4 In his hand are the depths of the earth,
and the mountain peaks belong to him.
5 The sea is his, for he made it,
and his hands formed the dry land.
6 Come, let us bow down in worship,
let us kneel before the Lord our Maker;
7 for he is our God
and we are the people of his pasture,
the flock under his care.
let us kneel before the Lord our Maker;
7 for he is our God
and we are the people of his pasture,
the flock under his care.
God bless.
Sunday, 7 October 2012
Unexpected Hurts
A dear friend who moved away posted how happily things are going for them and that thankfulness is the feeling that their family is no longer where they were this time last year.
I fully understand that things were challenging for them, but I am so hurt by the comment. It really saddens me that there can be no good seen in the time that was here.
I am not sure why I feel this so personally. It stings.
I fully understand that things were challenging for them, but I am so hurt by the comment. It really saddens me that there can be no good seen in the time that was here.
I am not sure why I feel this so personally. It stings.
Saturday, 22 September 2012
All at once
Work is really busy with a new boss. The beginning of the fall schedule has started with school, youth group, part-time work, Bible study and praise practice. All of this with renewing mortgage, mix up in hubby's contract and reno's underway to the bathroom. How do we make our lives so busy? What do I need to be saying "no" to and what should I be saying "yes" to.
How do I discern what I should be doing and what I should not be doing? How do I reduce the stresses and the distractions from what is important.
If you look at my schedule you would you see that God is important in my life, that my spouse is important, that my family is important? Would it seem that work creeps in and overshadows other parts of my life?
It is interesting to see that the business of life can muddle the time that seek to spend with God. Making my Bible time a priority helps, but it seems lately that it is easily sidestepped.
Praying that what needs to be a priority is at the top of the pile.
Time with God
Time with spouse
Time with family
Friends
School
Now what to do about everything else...
God bless.
How do I discern what I should be doing and what I should not be doing? How do I reduce the stresses and the distractions from what is important.
If you look at my schedule you would you see that God is important in my life, that my spouse is important, that my family is important? Would it seem that work creeps in and overshadows other parts of my life?
It is interesting to see that the business of life can muddle the time that seek to spend with God. Making my Bible time a priority helps, but it seems lately that it is easily sidestepped.
Praying that what needs to be a priority is at the top of the pile.
Time with God
Time with spouse
Time with family
Friends
School
Now what to do about everything else...
God bless.
Wednesday, 19 September 2012
Prayer Works
I sometimes kick myself when I realize that I have been agonizing over a problem and have ignored the most obvious. Take it to God in prayer??? Why is it sometimes the very last thing I think of?
I have prayed and prayed about his drinking! Something changed and thought the drinking has not stopped completely, it has reduced significantly. So why do I forget to be thankful for this? Why do I forget that it will take time for our relationship to heal? Why do I forget that God should be at the forefront and be the first I take the challenges to?
I know that God is working in his own way, but I have expressed to my husband there are only two things I want right now. To go to counselling together and for him to come to church with me. I am praying that he can see his way through to do meeting these though it has been over a month since I expressed this to him.
I will keep praying, but am truly thankful for the change in him and the progress so far. I know that God will help us and that we need His help to keep going and pray that I don't forget to lean on God all the way. The days when emotions interfere. The days when a drink seems more important. The days when I am not paying attention. The days when I need to be more supportive, attentive and forgiving.
Praying for continued progress and further distance from the drinking and praying that everything gets worked out.
God bless.
I have prayed and prayed about his drinking! Something changed and thought the drinking has not stopped completely, it has reduced significantly. So why do I forget to be thankful for this? Why do I forget that it will take time for our relationship to heal? Why do I forget that God should be at the forefront and be the first I take the challenges to?
I know that God is working in his own way, but I have expressed to my husband there are only two things I want right now. To go to counselling together and for him to come to church with me. I am praying that he can see his way through to do meeting these though it has been over a month since I expressed this to him.
I will keep praying, but am truly thankful for the change in him and the progress so far. I know that God will help us and that we need His help to keep going and pray that I don't forget to lean on God all the way. The days when emotions interfere. The days when a drink seems more important. The days when I am not paying attention. The days when I need to be more supportive, attentive and forgiving.
Praying for continued progress and further distance from the drinking and praying that everything gets worked out.
God bless.
Wednesday, 8 August 2012
Unprepared
Things seemed to be getting better. The drinking had slowed significantly until last week. Then the drinking started and things just seemed to get worse. The criticisms, the insults, the swearing, the under the breath comments that I knew were insulting by the tone and the intermittent expletives?
What did I expect? A smooth road to full recovery and no speed bumps? Why did I let it get to me? Why did I take it so personally? Why didn't I prepare myself for a slip? Why did I expect the behaviour during the drinking to be any different? Because I had shared my concern? Because we had been to a counsellor together?
I felt hurt and heart broken. The emotional abuse restarted and I didn't even see it was going to come. It was like walking into a baseball bat without knowing anyone was going to swing it. Nothing I did was right. Everything was poor, wrong or damaging. After three days of criticism an obligatory appreciative remark after a significant amount of work felt like such a slap and so fake, I called him on it. I couldn't take one little " you did a good job, baby" after three days of criticism and treatment like utter incompetence. He was offended, but what did he expect?
Then discussing a visit and everything went sour. I went anyways. Came home to two nights of sober, but cold shoulders so far. Why is it he thinks I have done something wrong? Why is it that I am being so stubborn? What am I supposed to say or do? Plead to know what is wrong? Am I wrong to be stubborn? Am I supposed to crawl back and always ask what is wrong? I just don't know. How will I know the next time he falls off the wagon? How do I stop myself from being so gullible that everything will be fine? How do I help without compromising myself?
Do I start the thaw or wait it out? Do I ask what is wrong or stand my ground? How can I forgive something that he doesn't even own up to doing or probably even remember being offencive attitude and behaviour? How do I broach the issue? How do I hold the alcoholic responsible if he never apologizes or acknowledges having done anything wrong? How do I let go of the anger and hurt if I am scared it will happen again?
I am truly thankful for the treasures God has placed in my life and am amazed that He knew what gems they could be. Seeking His guidance on how to proceed respectfully, but without compromise at the moment.
God bless.
What did I expect? A smooth road to full recovery and no speed bumps? Why did I let it get to me? Why did I take it so personally? Why didn't I prepare myself for a slip? Why did I expect the behaviour during the drinking to be any different? Because I had shared my concern? Because we had been to a counsellor together?
I felt hurt and heart broken. The emotional abuse restarted and I didn't even see it was going to come. It was like walking into a baseball bat without knowing anyone was going to swing it. Nothing I did was right. Everything was poor, wrong or damaging. After three days of criticism an obligatory appreciative remark after a significant amount of work felt like such a slap and so fake, I called him on it. I couldn't take one little " you did a good job, baby" after three days of criticism and treatment like utter incompetence. He was offended, but what did he expect?
Then discussing a visit and everything went sour. I went anyways. Came home to two nights of sober, but cold shoulders so far. Why is it he thinks I have done something wrong? Why is it that I am being so stubborn? What am I supposed to say or do? Plead to know what is wrong? Am I wrong to be stubborn? Am I supposed to crawl back and always ask what is wrong? I just don't know. How will I know the next time he falls off the wagon? How do I stop myself from being so gullible that everything will be fine? How do I help without compromising myself?
Do I start the thaw or wait it out? Do I ask what is wrong or stand my ground? How can I forgive something that he doesn't even own up to doing or probably even remember being offencive attitude and behaviour? How do I broach the issue? How do I hold the alcoholic responsible if he never apologizes or acknowledges having done anything wrong? How do I let go of the anger and hurt if I am scared it will happen again?
I am truly thankful for the treasures God has placed in my life and am amazed that He knew what gems they could be. Seeking His guidance on how to proceed respectfully, but without compromise at the moment.
God bless.
Wednesday, 1 August 2012
Intimacy and insecurity?
How is it that the person that drinks can make the non-drinker feel insecure, self-conscious and completely isolated sometimes? Why am I the incompetent one? Why am I the one that doesn't put out enough?
What would motivate a normally person to want to be intimate with a clumsy uncoordinated person that reeks of booze? What is attractive and romantic about being groped or poked with the finesse of a bull in a china shop? Why then am I made to feel cold?
What is it that makes considering intimacy during periods of soberness incomprehensible? The lack of genuine interest when sober makes me think that the desire for intimacy when a few drinks are under the belt have nothing to do with love or affection.
So, I am frigid? Don't get me wrong, I have truly enjoyed the increase periods of sober time together. And it is comfortable to see more of my spouse back to what I remember, but the decisions to drink when we could be relating, talking, or doing other things together.
The choice to drink in the evenings means that I am the only one that can pick up the kids. Yes, to have one drink would be nice, but one becomes two and then three and then a glass of wine, and then something else. So is the delay in drinking just leading to a binge drinking later in the night?
It is hard to know, but I only pray that this is truly a path towards improvement and not a false sense of change.
I will keep praying for continued improvement and hope that it is the beginning of real change and that the choice.
if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14
God Bless.
What would motivate a normally person to want to be intimate with a clumsy uncoordinated person that reeks of booze? What is attractive and romantic about being groped or poked with the finesse of a bull in a china shop? Why then am I made to feel cold?
What is it that makes considering intimacy during periods of soberness incomprehensible? The lack of genuine interest when sober makes me think that the desire for intimacy when a few drinks are under the belt have nothing to do with love or affection.
So, I am frigid? Don't get me wrong, I have truly enjoyed the increase periods of sober time together. And it is comfortable to see more of my spouse back to what I remember, but the decisions to drink when we could be relating, talking, or doing other things together.
The choice to drink in the evenings means that I am the only one that can pick up the kids. Yes, to have one drink would be nice, but one becomes two and then three and then a glass of wine, and then something else. So is the delay in drinking just leading to a binge drinking later in the night?
It is hard to know, but I only pray that this is truly a path towards improvement and not a false sense of change.
I will keep praying for continued improvement and hope that it is the beginning of real change and that the choice.
if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14
God Bless.
Wednesday, 18 July 2012
Nervous and Anxious
I feel like the tension is just getting thicker. He agreed to see the counsellor which at first I was really excited about. Now his mood just seems to be getting darker and distant. It feels like he is against met. I mess up and all hell breaks loose. I paid all the bills and it left little money in the bank and I am in trouble for it. I forgot about the truck payment so there is nothing left in his account.
I wish I knew how to deal with him. He berated the kids when we got home last night and then was angry with me for leaving no money in the bank. It just underlines the message conveyed that I don't seem to do anything right.
Praying that tomorrow goes well and that it is a positive step foirward.
I wish I knew how to deal with him. He berated the kids when we got home last night and then was angry with me for leaving no money in the bank. It just underlines the message conveyed that I don't seem to do anything right.
Praying that tomorrow goes well and that it is a positive step foirward.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33 New International Version (NIV)
Saturday, 23 June 2012
One Step Forward, two steps back...
Just when things seem to be going well, the drinking resurfaces? Why is it necessary? Why can't it just stop? Why does it create such tension? How can such negativity be ignored? What can prevent it? How does it create such a pull? If the pain of it all is so evident, then why keep drinking? It is really hard to understand sometimes. How do I forgive something that just keeps on happening? It is a challenge that I know I need His help with. It is hard not to get discouraged by it.
There will be a day when all of this will pass.
Psalm 25 16-21.
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 Relieve the troubles of my heart
and free me from my anguish.
18 Look on my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
19 See how numerous are my enemies
and how fiercely they hate me!
There will be a day when all of this will pass.
Psalm 25 16-21.
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 Relieve the troubles of my heart
and free me from my anguish.
18 Look on my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
19 See how numerous are my enemies
and how fiercely they hate me!
20 Guard my life and rescue me;
do not let me be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope, Lord,[c] is in you.
do not let me be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope, Lord,[c] is in you.
Please, give me a forgiving heart, Lord
New Beginnings
So I spoke to him a few weeks ago and his drinking habits have reduced significantly until yesterday, but there is now a regular glimpse of the man I fell in love with. Praying that this is a lasting change and the move towards something better. It seems like it.
The beginning of answered prayer I hope. Thank ful for the firends that I have been surrounded by in the mean time.
God bless.
The beginning of answered prayer I hope. Thank ful for the firends that I have been surrounded by in the mean time.
God bless.
Wednesday, 6 June 2012
Finally
It happened. I worked up the nerve to have a discussion. No commitments achieved, no admittance that there is a drinking problem, but acknowledgement that I believe we have a problem.
The truth is out and I don't know what will be next, but I cannot believe the load that seems to have been taken off.
Thankful for wisdom, and confidence and thankful that it was a reasonable discussion.
Thankful that it is a new beginning.
God bless,
The truth is out and I don't know what will be next, but I cannot believe the load that seems to have been taken off.
Thankful for wisdom, and confidence and thankful that it was a reasonable discussion.
Thankful that it is a new beginning.
God bless,
Monday, 4 June 2012
"Treasures of Darkness"
Enough is Enough....finally arrived. Monday night, May 21st, I was tired and looking forward to a great sleep after a long weekend.
He drank himself to sleep and passed out on the couch. He came to bed so drunk after midnight that he couldn't put on his sleep apnea mask and clumsily stumbled around in bed until 2:30 in the morning.
I think he tossed and turned and fumbled about which cause me to wake every 15 to 20 minutes. I woke up exhausted. I asked him how he slept in the morning. He said he fell asleep downstairs. I corrected him and suggested that he passed out down stairs and that it had to stop. He turned his back to me and would not respond.
Why can't he see what it is doing? Why do I need to lay it out? Why does he ignore the issue? I know what has to be done. I need to find the right time. It is okay for him to identify mistakes, pounce on them and ridicule because of them, but drunken absent mindedness, disrespectful and in appropriate behaviour do not bear comment?
Why must the devil interfere so in my house. I pray that God helps us all and gives me the wisdom and the timing to say the right thing.
It is not going to be easy, but it has to be done.
From May 6, Calendar,Year Unknown (Possibly as old as 1814)
"Treasures of Darkness"
"It is the factory of suffering that the Holy Spirit manufactures the article of sympathy. The sweetest of God's children are generally those who have suffered most. Paul's life was full of comfort to others, but it was packed with suffering to himself. John's life was the same. Suffering generally hardens the sinner but it softens the saint. It is safer to pray for suffering than it is to pray for ease."
May I be a softened saint.
He drank himself to sleep and passed out on the couch. He came to bed so drunk after midnight that he couldn't put on his sleep apnea mask and clumsily stumbled around in bed until 2:30 in the morning.
I think he tossed and turned and fumbled about which cause me to wake every 15 to 20 minutes. I woke up exhausted. I asked him how he slept in the morning. He said he fell asleep downstairs. I corrected him and suggested that he passed out down stairs and that it had to stop. He turned his back to me and would not respond.
Why can't he see what it is doing? Why do I need to lay it out? Why does he ignore the issue? I know what has to be done. I need to find the right time. It is okay for him to identify mistakes, pounce on them and ridicule because of them, but drunken absent mindedness, disrespectful and in appropriate behaviour do not bear comment?
Why must the devil interfere so in my house. I pray that God helps us all and gives me the wisdom and the timing to say the right thing.
It is not going to be easy, but it has to be done.
From May 6, Calendar,Year Unknown (Possibly as old as 1814)
"Treasures of Darkness"
"It is the factory of suffering that the Holy Spirit manufactures the article of sympathy. The sweetest of God's children are generally those who have suffered most. Paul's life was full of comfort to others, but it was packed with suffering to himself. John's life was the same. Suffering generally hardens the sinner but it softens the saint. It is safer to pray for suffering than it is to pray for ease."
May I be a softened saint.
Thursday, 17 May 2012
Consequences
How do you move from being someone who has tolerated inappropriate behaviour to drawing a line in the sand. How do you move from trying to ignore behaviour to putting your foot down.
Where do I draw on the confidence to do so if there is denial that there is a problem? How do I keep loving the good part and cutting off the bad? How do I step up to being the disciplinarian when I have allowed the poor behaviour to happen all along thinking ignoring it would avoid ruffled feathers.
Why am I so timid to do so? Why do I fear his words? Why do I find it intimidating? Why do I let him get under my skin? How can I tackle this with confidence, determination, wisdom and be serious about it?
How do I proceed without fearing reprisal, retaliation? I have been honest about everything else this year, why is this so difficult? Why is it running around in circles in my head? If there is never a sober moment? How do I find the right time? Is it going to ruin the long weekend?
I wish someone else would come in and set the expectations, hold him accountable and make him see. I at least know what has to be done, I have prayed for the strength and the courage and now I just need the right timing and discernment to tackle it.
Oh, how great are God's riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways! Romans 11:33 ESV
John 16:
19 Jesus saw that they wanted to ask him about this, so he said to them, “Are you asking one another what I meant when I said, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me’? 20 Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. 21 A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. 22 So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. 23 In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 24 Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.
God bless,
Where do I draw on the confidence to do so if there is denial that there is a problem? How do I keep loving the good part and cutting off the bad? How do I step up to being the disciplinarian when I have allowed the poor behaviour to happen all along thinking ignoring it would avoid ruffled feathers.
Why am I so timid to do so? Why do I fear his words? Why do I find it intimidating? Why do I let him get under my skin? How can I tackle this with confidence, determination, wisdom and be serious about it?
How do I proceed without fearing reprisal, retaliation? I have been honest about everything else this year, why is this so difficult? Why is it running around in circles in my head? If there is never a sober moment? How do I find the right time? Is it going to ruin the long weekend?
I wish someone else would come in and set the expectations, hold him accountable and make him see. I at least know what has to be done, I have prayed for the strength and the courage and now I just need the right timing and discernment to tackle it.
Oh, how great are God's riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways! Romans 11:33 ESV
John 16:
19 Jesus saw that they wanted to ask him about this, so he said to them, “Are you asking one another what I meant when I said, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me’? 20 Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. 21 A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. 22 So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. 23 In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 24 Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.
God bless,
Monday, 30 April 2012
Disappointing realization
Finally, I have taken the step, beyond what I started in the fall. I am getting some help, but it is not resulting in what I thought.
I want to fix things, but accept that I cannot until he wants to fix things. I was uncertain how long I could hold on with the quit-smoking campaign, but my naive optimism may see some light on that front.
What I didn't expect were the hard questions... What is special about the two of us? I don't know? What we have in common is our career experience, camping (which is not a lot of time) and TV and not even that so much anymore.
Our vacations have predominately been with other friends. The ones where we have gone alone have been okay or disastrous. I am worried that I am holding tight to the ideal and not the real thing!
Is it possible that I am holding on to the ideal to the detriment of my kids, my faith and each other?
He used to joke about and throw around the word divorce... I finally told him that if he asked one more time, I would say yes if he wanted to joke about it. He has never joked about it again.
I have lost sight of what I valued in him in the last five years. I despise the alcohol. I despise the behaviour. I resent that he has disappeared and that he doesn't even seem to want to "come back". It was suggested that the alcohol is the mistress and that was like a slap. Now our friends are all separating, we do not have any close couple friends any longer and our individual friends are now in different directions.
I went to visit friends this weekend. I worried about asking to go. I did and was told that I didn't need to ask. So went. I get the cold shoulder when I get home! I have no idea why, but two days of terse responses and no conversation.
There have been some themes about eliminating the bad things, separating ourselves from evil (the wheat from the chaff, refiner fire, the potters clay and the perfection necessary). This pertains to other things that are happening in my life beyond my marriage and I wonder where the similarities and the differences relating to this begins and ends.
Need prayer, study and faith to figure through this.
God bless.
I want to fix things, but accept that I cannot until he wants to fix things. I was uncertain how long I could hold on with the quit-smoking campaign, but my naive optimism may see some light on that front.
What I didn't expect were the hard questions... What is special about the two of us? I don't know? What we have in common is our career experience, camping (which is not a lot of time) and TV and not even that so much anymore.
Our vacations have predominately been with other friends. The ones where we have gone alone have been okay or disastrous. I am worried that I am holding tight to the ideal and not the real thing!
Is it possible that I am holding on to the ideal to the detriment of my kids, my faith and each other?
He used to joke about and throw around the word divorce... I finally told him that if he asked one more time, I would say yes if he wanted to joke about it. He has never joked about it again.
I have lost sight of what I valued in him in the last five years. I despise the alcohol. I despise the behaviour. I resent that he has disappeared and that he doesn't even seem to want to "come back". It was suggested that the alcohol is the mistress and that was like a slap. Now our friends are all separating, we do not have any close couple friends any longer and our individual friends are now in different directions.
I went to visit friends this weekend. I worried about asking to go. I did and was told that I didn't need to ask. So went. I get the cold shoulder when I get home! I have no idea why, but two days of terse responses and no conversation.
There have been some themes about eliminating the bad things, separating ourselves from evil (the wheat from the chaff, refiner fire, the potters clay and the perfection necessary). This pertains to other things that are happening in my life beyond my marriage and I wonder where the similarities and the differences relating to this begins and ends.
Need prayer, study and faith to figure through this.
God bless.
Thursday, 12 April 2012
Just don't know!
Not sure if it is just discouragement or resignation. So he quit smoking. It has been one month of walking around on eggshells. Hoping not to offend. Trying to ensure that I say the right thing. Not always successful.
It is no longer a matter of trying to keep the peace, it has become a matter of avoidance and trying not to upset the apple cart. The nicotine withdrawal creates negative mood swings and add on some wine and it is just like having stolen the honey pot from a grouchy bear.
I think I have the courage at times to confront and then just back up in fear (on the inside anyways). I really am not equipped to handle and angry drunk and wonder how I am to try and hold a marriage together with such a volatile and unpredictable mood. Even the kids would rather be anywhere else but home.
I am continually surprised by more angry outbursts and irrational comments and decisions. I really don't understand what is going on anymore and it is hard for someone who just wants to fix things!
I keep reading and I believe that marriage vows are for life and believe that that is the preference in the Bible. But I also read that we need to separate ourselves from unclean things and in some cases be willing to leave our families for God, but I don't think that is the context I am to read into things.
He offered to take our son to a strip club last week. I was aghast that he would even contemplate something like that. I just don't know what is happening anymore.
Praying for wisdom and strong faith!
It is no longer a matter of trying to keep the peace, it has become a matter of avoidance and trying not to upset the apple cart. The nicotine withdrawal creates negative mood swings and add on some wine and it is just like having stolen the honey pot from a grouchy bear.
I think I have the courage at times to confront and then just back up in fear (on the inside anyways). I really am not equipped to handle and angry drunk and wonder how I am to try and hold a marriage together with such a volatile and unpredictable mood. Even the kids would rather be anywhere else but home.
I am continually surprised by more angry outbursts and irrational comments and decisions. I really don't understand what is going on anymore and it is hard for someone who just wants to fix things!
I keep reading and I believe that marriage vows are for life and believe that that is the preference in the Bible. But I also read that we need to separate ourselves from unclean things and in some cases be willing to leave our families for God, but I don't think that is the context I am to read into things.
He offered to take our son to a strip club last week. I was aghast that he would even contemplate something like that. I just don't know what is happening anymore.
Praying for wisdom and strong faith!
Saturday, 10 March 2012
Heartbreaking
My heart is breaking. I picked up some supper for the two of us since the kids were out. I knew he was already pretty drunk before I got the food. While I was getting the food, the youngest came home.
First, I came in, deposited the groceries and the take out on the table and given the choice language I heard downstairs, grabbed the takeout and headed downstairs with it. When I asked if there was something wrong, all I was told was that he wanted to know why our kid came home and said it was because I said he had to be home. I had know idea what the previous comments had been about. Other than knowing foul language was involved, I don't know what the angry comments were about from my spouse. A few minutes later, I came back up with mine as the I am not sure if it is the alcohol or the nicotine withdrawal that is causing such a caustic attitude in my spouse and thought that it best to get out of his space as questions about who left the scissors in the garage already made it feel like I could do no right.
I invited my youngest to have some of my fries and asked what had been said. He had been at a movie with a very nice girl. As we were eating supper, my spouse came up stairs so of course, went into the washroom. I remembered at that point, that since my hands were full, I had not closed the garage door when I came in. So closed it. Upon exiting the washroom, I was questioned why I opened the garage. I said I had closed it as my hands were full when I came in. (Not to mention that I wanted to intervene if need be in what ever he was yelling about when I came in and just before I went down with the food). There were under the breath swear words and another angry comment.
After my spouse went back downstairs, it broke my heart when my son asked me "Where is your God now?" All I could say holding back tears at the sadness in his question was that "He is right here right now. How else could I remain calm?" I couldn't find my voice and I couldn't eat any more.
How can I assure him that Psalm 23:4 is so true?
Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
Pray for my child and I.
God bless,
First, I came in, deposited the groceries and the take out on the table and given the choice language I heard downstairs, grabbed the takeout and headed downstairs with it. When I asked if there was something wrong, all I was told was that he wanted to know why our kid came home and said it was because I said he had to be home. I had know idea what the previous comments had been about. Other than knowing foul language was involved, I don't know what the angry comments were about from my spouse. A few minutes later, I came back up with mine as the I am not sure if it is the alcohol or the nicotine withdrawal that is causing such a caustic attitude in my spouse and thought that it best to get out of his space as questions about who left the scissors in the garage already made it feel like I could do no right.
I invited my youngest to have some of my fries and asked what had been said. He had been at a movie with a very nice girl. As we were eating supper, my spouse came up stairs so of course, went into the washroom. I remembered at that point, that since my hands were full, I had not closed the garage door when I came in. So closed it. Upon exiting the washroom, I was questioned why I opened the garage. I said I had closed it as my hands were full when I came in. (Not to mention that I wanted to intervene if need be in what ever he was yelling about when I came in and just before I went down with the food). There were under the breath swear words and another angry comment.
After my spouse went back downstairs, it broke my heart when my son asked me "Where is your God now?" All I could say holding back tears at the sadness in his question was that "He is right here right now. How else could I remain calm?" I couldn't find my voice and I couldn't eat any more.
How can I assure him that Psalm 23:4 is so true?
Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
Pray for my child and I.
God bless,
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
Feels like false hope
I thought what seemed two sober evenings in a row was linked to the attempt to quite smoking. I thought it meant a new leaf. Two great nights in a row and I thought there was hope. Until tonight.
Usual call home after work. A crazy day at work, I might add. It was nothing but assumptions and jumping to conclusions. I never said I wouldn't be home for supper, yet that conclusion was drawn. I suggested something for supper and then it was implied that I didn't think he could prepare supper.
Why am I always made to feel like I am wrong, it is my fault and what every I say or do is never good enough. Why, do I grasp onto this hope and believe there is a chance? Why does what is becoming rather predictable hurt so much? Why am I surprised? Why don't I have the "callouses" in place to protect me from the predictable?
Where did the confidence of this morning go? Where did the man I used to know disappear to? Why are the glimpses of him becoming so rare? What do I do with all this confusion?
How do I block this behaviour and not get pulled in? How do I separate the alcoholic behaviour from everything else? How do I put a stop to the emotional roller coater? I just want him back.
God bless,
Usual call home after work. A crazy day at work, I might add. It was nothing but assumptions and jumping to conclusions. I never said I wouldn't be home for supper, yet that conclusion was drawn. I suggested something for supper and then it was implied that I didn't think he could prepare supper.
Why am I always made to feel like I am wrong, it is my fault and what every I say or do is never good enough. Why, do I grasp onto this hope and believe there is a chance? Why does what is becoming rather predictable hurt so much? Why am I surprised? Why don't I have the "callouses" in place to protect me from the predictable?
Where did the confidence of this morning go? Where did the man I used to know disappear to? Why are the glimpses of him becoming so rare? What do I do with all this confusion?
How do I block this behaviour and not get pulled in? How do I separate the alcoholic behaviour from everything else? How do I put a stop to the emotional roller coater? I just want him back.
God bless,
Saturday, 18 February 2012
No Coincidence
It is interesting that I find it surprising to be studying communication and conflict in school at the moment and our Bible lesson last night from 1 Samuel 20 talked of the way Saul responded to anger or potentially conflict. God is lovingly guding me.
Now I need to pray for his strength and wisdom to follow through on what he is showing me.
God bless,
Now I need to pray for his strength and wisdom to follow through on what he is showing me.
God bless,
Thursday, 16 February 2012
Remarkably Calm
I believe God is holding me in his protective hand tonight. I feel remarkably calm despite some pretty insulting remarks.
Thank you Lord for being with me and reminding me that you are always here.
God bless.
Thank you Lord for being with me and reminding me that you are always here.
God bless.
Tuesday, 14 February 2012
Not What I Expected...
"I start the 'Butt-out program' tomorrow" was the way the conversation started. My inside voice immediately thinks that there is something else that needs to be stopped before the cigarettes!!!
"Oh, how are you going to do that?"
"Champix" (sp?) is the response.
"Have you tried that before?" I ask.
"Yes, but I didn't take it in the morning and I start tomorrow morning." triggers more racing thoughts in my brain, but our kid is now setting the table for supper.
After supper, huge travel coffee mug of wine poured. "Don't you think you should quit drinking?" I muster.
"No, I like it too much." is the solemn, firm response.
I looked at him and said "Ì don`t." in an equally firm tone.
He stared at the TV and ignored me. I waited. No response.
"I would rather you quite drinking." No response.
I am so angry. Even now, four hours later, I am sure that must be a change in blood pressure or adrenaline just thinking about it.
Relentless Love is something that needs God at the centre of it. Praying for him to take over. Blackaby`s devotion today is challenging.
Then the LORD said to me, "Go again, love a woman who is loved by a lover and is committing adultery, just like the love of the LORD for the children of Israel, who look to other gods and love the raisin cakes of the pagans." (Hosea 3:1)
God bless,
"Oh, how are you going to do that?"
"Champix" (sp?) is the response.
"Have you tried that before?" I ask.
"Yes, but I didn't take it in the morning and I start tomorrow morning." triggers more racing thoughts in my brain, but our kid is now setting the table for supper.
After supper, huge travel coffee mug of wine poured. "Don't you think you should quit drinking?" I muster.
"No, I like it too much." is the solemn, firm response.
I looked at him and said "Ì don`t." in an equally firm tone.
He stared at the TV and ignored me. I waited. No response.
"I would rather you quite drinking." No response.
I am so angry. Even now, four hours later, I am sure that must be a change in blood pressure or adrenaline just thinking about it.
Relentless Love is something that needs God at the centre of it. Praying for him to take over. Blackaby`s devotion today is challenging.
Then the LORD said to me, "Go again, love a woman who is loved by a lover and is committing adultery, just like the love of the LORD for the children of Israel, who look to other gods and love the raisin cakes of the pagans." (Hosea 3:1)
God bless,
Saturday, 11 February 2012
Struggling
l am struggling to love my spouse 100%. My spouse as been drinking since returning from Afghanistan. I loved him when he was sober. Now I am struggling even when he is sober. When he is drinking every night we as a family are avoiding spending time with him. He can be so hurtful in his words, it it easier just to stay away. In my mind, I know that alcoholism is a disease. I know that most of the time he doesn't remember his mean behaviour the next day. My heart is hurting so, that I am no longer sure I can honestly love him. I tried Alanon and was disappointed in the unchristian like connection with a "higher being" which could be anything from the "blade of grass" to a "tree", but am thankful to have connected with a Celebrate Recovery group this week. I am feeling scared that I have a long road of healing ahead of me and for the kids. I am also feeling resentful that I am beginning this journey without him and that it will be a longer process as he lives in denial that the drinking is actually happening or is a problem.
It is at the point that I am struggling to know if I love him, at all. I have a hard time forgetting the poor behaviour that he seems to so easily forget. I thought when I came to the realization that there was a problem with the drinking that I could love him through this and now am doubting. I ask God daily for strength and wisdom to feel His embrace. I am relying heavily on some amazing friends for prayer and support, but I am feeling overwhelmed the last couple of days with things falling back into a bad routine. Again, the drinking pattern changed over the last few weeks, then the wine returned the night following a doctor's appointment again. It is sad to see him drinking and sad to see the kids becoming resentful though I believe they do love him. I know God is here as we never would have made it this far without him, but it is sad when I my husband seems to have lost touch with God completely.
In all of this I know longer know what to pray for. I know I need God's strength, courage, wisdom and love. I need discernment and patience to know his path for me and I need prayer. My scars are feeling fresh and my heart is sad and I need His healing so that I can at least show God's love.
It is at the point that I am struggling to know if I love him, at all. I have a hard time forgetting the poor behaviour that he seems to so easily forget. I thought when I came to the realization that there was a problem with the drinking that I could love him through this and now am doubting. I ask God daily for strength and wisdom to feel His embrace. I am relying heavily on some amazing friends for prayer and support, but I am feeling overwhelmed the last couple of days with things falling back into a bad routine. Again, the drinking pattern changed over the last few weeks, then the wine returned the night following a doctor's appointment again. It is sad to see him drinking and sad to see the kids becoming resentful though I believe they do love him. I know God is here as we never would have made it this far without him, but it is sad when I my husband seems to have lost touch with God completely.
In all of this I know longer know what to pray for. I know I need God's strength, courage, wisdom and love. I need discernment and patience to know his path for me and I need prayer. My scars are feeling fresh and my heart is sad and I need His healing so that I can at least show God's love.
Friday, 10 February 2012
Frozen
Is it possible? Can it be? Am I letting satan manipulate my world? I am feeling more and more isolated, more and more overwhelmed and less and less in control. I am trying to relinquish control to God. What is causing me to be so sad? Why is it so disappointing? Where has the importance of truth gone?
Couple weeks ago, the drinking habits changed. I asked point blank. "Is there a doctor's appointment coming up?"
"No." was the firm response.
Again, I let my hopes interfere. Again, I think that maybe it will stop. Sunday, mean and illogical argument. I wasn't sure. "Have you been drinking?"
"No! What does that have to do with anything?" is the question back.
"It just doesn't make sense."
We arrive to pick up the kids and ask to make introductions. Then the cold evening wind carries the sickly smell of alcohol into my face. I am in shock! Driving? Now driving my son home? How much had been consumed? Why was this lie being perpetuated? Why am I blindsided by it?
Then Wednesday night, I find out that there is actually a medical appointment! Another lie! Why am I so surprised? Last night, it starts all over again, the blue travellers coffee mug has been christened with wine once again! Tonight it continues! Why does this bring everything to a stand still? I can't concentrate? I can't focus? I have a paper to right and nothing is connecting?
I have found a source of help. It is truly amazing how God works. It scares me that I am realizing that I need healing and that I may begin the road of healing alone. Is it possible that my healing will never be complete without the drinking stopping? What happens if I begin the road of "recovery from co-dependency" on my own? What happens if one of us is left behind? What is the trigger that will make it evident that I am not the only one who needs help?
How do I get past this feeling of having been immobilized? Frozen? Helpless? I struggle to see through the thoughts of worry. I am praying for strength. I am seeking God's discernment, courage and so need his love. I am asking for peace. I am asking for healing. I am asking for courage and strength. I am asking for discernment and guidance to the path God has for me. I am asking that the kids are embraced in Your arms Lord and are also guided by Your love, wisdom and strength. I ask that you soften the heart and make us each a strong witness and a loving example that reflects Your love. I ask this in your most Holy name Lord as you promised.
Couple weeks ago, the drinking habits changed. I asked point blank. "Is there a doctor's appointment coming up?"
"No." was the firm response.
Again, I let my hopes interfere. Again, I think that maybe it will stop. Sunday, mean and illogical argument. I wasn't sure. "Have you been drinking?"
"No! What does that have to do with anything?" is the question back.
"It just doesn't make sense."
We arrive to pick up the kids and ask to make introductions. Then the cold evening wind carries the sickly smell of alcohol into my face. I am in shock! Driving? Now driving my son home? How much had been consumed? Why was this lie being perpetuated? Why am I blindsided by it?
Then Wednesday night, I find out that there is actually a medical appointment! Another lie! Why am I so surprised? Last night, it starts all over again, the blue travellers coffee mug has been christened with wine once again! Tonight it continues! Why does this bring everything to a stand still? I can't concentrate? I can't focus? I have a paper to right and nothing is connecting?
I have found a source of help. It is truly amazing how God works. It scares me that I am realizing that I need healing and that I may begin the road of healing alone. Is it possible that my healing will never be complete without the drinking stopping? What happens if I begin the road of "recovery from co-dependency" on my own? What happens if one of us is left behind? What is the trigger that will make it evident that I am not the only one who needs help?
How do I get past this feeling of having been immobilized? Frozen? Helpless? I struggle to see through the thoughts of worry. I am praying for strength. I am seeking God's discernment, courage and so need his love. I am asking for peace. I am asking for healing. I am asking for courage and strength. I am asking for discernment and guidance to the path God has for me. I am asking that the kids are embraced in Your arms Lord and are also guided by Your love, wisdom and strength. I ask that you soften the heart and make us each a strong witness and a loving example that reflects Your love. I ask this in your most Holy name Lord as you promised.
John 16:23-24
New International Version (NIV)
23 In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 24 Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)
"The only fear that God encourages in a Christian’s life is the fear of God (2 Cor. 5:10–11;_Heb. 10:31). Fear of people does not come from God. The problem is that many Christians fear people more than they fear God. Their fear hinders them from pleasing God because they waste their efforts appeasing other people. Timothy was a young man, timid by nature, and_probably not strong physically (1 Tim. 5:23). He knew of Paul’s frequent trials and persecutions. He knew that he, too, might suffer those same persecutions. Paul reminded his young colleague that fear of others does not come_from God.
Fear causes us to stop and question what God has clearly told us to do. Perhaps we were confident in our obedience until persecution came; now we doubt whether we heard God correctly. Most fear is fear of the unknown. We do not know what lies ahead of us, so we become apprehensive. Our imaginations can magnify problems until they seem insurmountable. We need a sound mind to see things in proper perspective. That is why God gave us His Holy Spirit, to enable us to see things as God sees them.
Fear is no excuse to disobey God. There is no reason to live in fear when you have the mighty presence of the Holy Spirit within you. Fear will enslave you, but Christ has come to set you free. Ask God to free you from any fear you are experiencing and to open your eyes. As He reveals the reality of your situation, He will enable you to continue in obedience." Blackaby Ministries International Feb 3rd, 2012 devotional.
Thank you Lord for the calm and the peace you send. It only takes time in your word to rid myself of those fears. Help me to have stronger faith and help me not to waiver.
God bless,
Fear causes us to stop and question what God has clearly told us to do. Perhaps we were confident in our obedience until persecution came; now we doubt whether we heard God correctly. Most fear is fear of the unknown. We do not know what lies ahead of us, so we become apprehensive. Our imaginations can magnify problems until they seem insurmountable. We need a sound mind to see things in proper perspective. That is why God gave us His Holy Spirit, to enable us to see things as God sees them.
Fear is no excuse to disobey God. There is no reason to live in fear when you have the mighty presence of the Holy Spirit within you. Fear will enslave you, but Christ has come to set you free. Ask God to free you from any fear you are experiencing and to open your eyes. As He reveals the reality of your situation, He will enable you to continue in obedience." Blackaby Ministries International Feb 3rd, 2012 devotional.
Thank you Lord for the calm and the peace you send. It only takes time in your word to rid myself of those fears. Help me to have stronger faith and help me not to waiver.
God bless,
Tuesday, 7 February 2012
Doubt and Hope
Is doubt the result of letting satan into our minds?
I have prayed for healing. I have prayed that my spouse's heart would be softened. I have prayed that I could be a better witness or more effective witness. I have prayed for understanding and strength and wisdom.
God has given me great strength, and I find wisdom in his word. I appreciate that many things are in accordance with God's schedule and not necessarily mine, but I so wish that He could touch the heart of this person I love and help me to be compassionate enough to be able to be forgiving, supportive and understanding.
I get discouraged and wonder how it isn't evident that there is a significant impact on our family. The kids and I no longer watch TV as it is just to risky to be exposed to unpredictable and negtive behaviour which is brought on by the drinking. It is sad, but it doesn't seem to register that our family has changed.
It is so clear that alcohol is the poison of satan. I am looking forward to answered prayer and will see how things go this week. At least, there may be some help that is relevant and is linked to my Higher Power, Jesus Christ. Lets just hope that it is a smooth ride to get there.
God bless,
I have prayed for healing. I have prayed that my spouse's heart would be softened. I have prayed that I could be a better witness or more effective witness. I have prayed for understanding and strength and wisdom.
God has given me great strength, and I find wisdom in his word. I appreciate that many things are in accordance with God's schedule and not necessarily mine, but I so wish that He could touch the heart of this person I love and help me to be compassionate enough to be able to be forgiving, supportive and understanding.
I get discouraged and wonder how it isn't evident that there is a significant impact on our family. The kids and I no longer watch TV as it is just to risky to be exposed to unpredictable and negtive behaviour which is brought on by the drinking. It is sad, but it doesn't seem to register that our family has changed.
It is so clear that alcohol is the poison of satan. I am looking forward to answered prayer and will see how things go this week. At least, there may be some help that is relevant and is linked to my Higher Power, Jesus Christ. Lets just hope that it is a smooth ride to get there.
God bless,
Monday, 6 February 2012
Acceptance and Assurance
"The real answer comes with embracing yourself and not necessarily trying to improve yourself."
I guess the hardest part is to leave it all in God's hands. We are all lumps of coal or mounds of clay. We need to let God do his work. Sometimes there is great pressure as is necessary to turn coal into a diamond. Other times we are stretched and squeezed like clay on the potters wheel.
God never said that life would be easy for us. He spoke of persecution. He also said he would be there. It is so difficult sometimes to remember that he is walking every step with us. Why are we so quick to forget that? What makes us so independent that we think we can make it without Him?
Hebrews 13:5 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
During the darkest days, the wildest storms and the most difficult trials. He is with me! He loves me! I am special to Him. It does not matter what anyone else thinks!
God bless,
I guess the hardest part is to leave it all in God's hands. We are all lumps of coal or mounds of clay. We need to let God do his work. Sometimes there is great pressure as is necessary to turn coal into a diamond. Other times we are stretched and squeezed like clay on the potters wheel.
God never said that life would be easy for us. He spoke of persecution. He also said he would be there. It is so difficult sometimes to remember that he is walking every step with us. Why are we so quick to forget that? What makes us so independent that we think we can make it without Him?
Hebrews 13:5 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
During the darkest days, the wildest storms and the most difficult trials. He is with me! He loves me! I am special to Him. It does not matter what anyone else thinks!
God bless,
Saturday, 28 January 2012
Discouraged
So, tried to talk to my spouse today. Asked if there was recollection of previous discussion from after the funeral he attended. He said he did. I asked if there was a drinking problem. Denied. It seems that it is easy to deny. What seemed like a decent morning deteriorated into a lousy evening with Caesars the beginning at supper time. What on earth makes the alcohol more important than the rest of us. What on earth creates the belief that I don't hear the booze being poured into the cup? Why would I not notice? Do I try again tomorrow? How do I convey that it is nice to deal with a sober person in the morning, but it is crappy dealing with a drunk every night. Why does it feel like it is wearing thin? Why are the support programs for the drunk and the co-dependent? Why aren't there programs to help intercede, intervene or help to deal with it rather than just dealing with our own emotions?
Even to ask for help from another Christian program that hasn't returned my call is becoming discouraging. How can it be so unsettling? How can I make my feelings heard when the denial is there? Resignation cannot be the way to go. How do I rebuild my own confidence if I can have it torn down every night? What do I do? How do I know what God's plan is in all of this? How do I get past the doubt, the second guessing, the feelings of discouragement?
How can it be that "His Love Never Fails" but mine seems to be?
His strength is never ending. How do I prevent my faith from wavering? God is the only constant that I can count upon. I only need to remember that.
Even to ask for help from another Christian program that hasn't returned my call is becoming discouraging. How can it be so unsettling? How can I make my feelings heard when the denial is there? Resignation cannot be the way to go. How do I rebuild my own confidence if I can have it torn down every night? What do I do? How do I know what God's plan is in all of this? How do I get past the doubt, the second guessing, the feelings of discouragement?
How can it be that "His Love Never Fails" but mine seems to be?
His strength is never ending. How do I prevent my faith from wavering? God is the only constant that I can count upon. I only need to remember that.
Monday, 23 January 2012
Open Doors and Hope
As I sadly watch a door close as very blessed friends prepare to move away, God opened another door tonight providing information about an interesting resource. I am excited about a possible answer to prayer, but am still very sad that my very special friends will be moving away.
Friends
Words: Deborah D. Smith
Music: Michael W. Smith
Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
Can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter in your life is through
But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong
Chorus:
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends.
With the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you'll live in
Is the strength that now you show
But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong
Friends
Words: Deborah D. Smith
Music: Michael W. Smith
Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
Can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter in your life is through
But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong
Chorus:
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends.
With the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you'll live in
Is the strength that now you show
But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong
Thursday, 19 January 2012
Resilience
Learned a lot today about myself. Through listing the things that worried us. All of the worries I identified were things of importance, but most I have little to no control over, such as my spouse's drinking. There was nothing that was unimportant, but there were only two things that I could have any semblance of control over. The sad thing is that the two things will not make any difference on the others.
I am know that I am not the same person I once was. Granted, people change, but I was a much more happy-go-lucky kind of person, more confident, more outgoing and more personable. I feel like I am getting lost in a fog of never being good enough, of never doing things right, of contradictory statements.
I realized today that I am feeling so bogged down with everything that is happening that my resilience to deal with the changing world around me has been worn very thin.
My spouse is an alcoholic in denial. My marriage is on the rocks. My kids are contemplating their futures in the post-secondary world and job opportunities. My finances are not so hot. Some of my best friends are moving away and I am totally heart-broken over it! I am being asked to take on greater leadership roles in my church and at work which normally I would be thrilled, flattered and likely jump at, but don't feel confident enough, though I am certain I could take on a different role in different circumstances. I would also need to say "no" or stop doing something else. I know which I would be most comfortable letting go right now, but it really would not be a good time to do so.
I am not a cynical person, but am finding that my optimism isn't so readily available as it once was.
I absolutely know that God is with me through all of this and I am certain that with everything going on, there is no way to survive this without Him! I pray that the joy that once came so readily will return and that I can feel His assurance with me constantly.
Is it my lack of faith that is pulling me down? How do I honestly just let go of all the stress associated with living with an alcoholic when things are so unpredictable, when things can be such an unexpectedly emotional trigger, so pointed at times and so difficult to love? How did Christ love the unlovable? How is it that the part that I love seems to be disappearing more and more each day? How can that part of the person I love be rescued from the alcohol if there is denial? I do trust that God will look after me, but I am finding it so hard to know what is the right thing to do and sometimes when I am certain about what is right, I seem to lose sight of that or find a mixed message? How do I know it is the right thing, I am know that I need God's help to be able to be more forgiving, and now even sometime to be more loving. How can you love someone that can be so very hurtful?
"She will never remember what it is like to be herself. She prays that her children will" - Enough is Enough by Father's Property
I just so need Him to restoreth my soul.
God bless,
I am know that I am not the same person I once was. Granted, people change, but I was a much more happy-go-lucky kind of person, more confident, more outgoing and more personable. I feel like I am getting lost in a fog of never being good enough, of never doing things right, of contradictory statements.
I realized today that I am feeling so bogged down with everything that is happening that my resilience to deal with the changing world around me has been worn very thin.
My spouse is an alcoholic in denial. My marriage is on the rocks. My kids are contemplating their futures in the post-secondary world and job opportunities. My finances are not so hot. Some of my best friends are moving away and I am totally heart-broken over it! I am being asked to take on greater leadership roles in my church and at work which normally I would be thrilled, flattered and likely jump at, but don't feel confident enough, though I am certain I could take on a different role in different circumstances. I would also need to say "no" or stop doing something else. I know which I would be most comfortable letting go right now, but it really would not be a good time to do so.
I am not a cynical person, but am finding that my optimism isn't so readily available as it once was.
I absolutely know that God is with me through all of this and I am certain that with everything going on, there is no way to survive this without Him! I pray that the joy that once came so readily will return and that I can feel His assurance with me constantly.
Is it my lack of faith that is pulling me down? How do I honestly just let go of all the stress associated with living with an alcoholic when things are so unpredictable, when things can be such an unexpectedly emotional trigger, so pointed at times and so difficult to love? How did Christ love the unlovable? How is it that the part that I love seems to be disappearing more and more each day? How can that part of the person I love be rescued from the alcohol if there is denial? I do trust that God will look after me, but I am finding it so hard to know what is the right thing to do and sometimes when I am certain about what is right, I seem to lose sight of that or find a mixed message? How do I know it is the right thing, I am know that I need God's help to be able to be more forgiving, and now even sometime to be more loving. How can you love someone that can be so very hurtful?
"She will never remember what it is like to be herself. She prays that her children will" - Enough is Enough by Father's Property
I just so need Him to restoreth my soul.
God bless,
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
Terrified
Last night I came home and found my spouse passed out on the couch, again. The only problem, it took more than 8 minutes to wake him up! He didn't stir, respond, open his eyes, change his breathing rate for more than 8 minutes. The first motion was to reach up to scratch the left shoulder for almost 30 seconds and then stops and asks me "Do you have to call me all night?" How long was my voice hear and how long did it take to really react or was that just ignoring me? I was scared. I actually thought about calling an ambulance.
Praying to see what is the right way ahead.
Praying to see what is the right way ahead.
Monday, 9 January 2012
Worried
Matthew 6:3434 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
How can I be of so little faith? I am struggling with worry. Anxiety about my realtionship with my spouse. Worry for my friend's parent facing surgery. Worry for the my kids. Worry for friends who will move away and how that will not only impact me as part of my supports, but my kids who love them too. I am heart broken and cannot say anything yet as nothing is finalized. I worry about the impact of their departure on so many other people as well.
Upon hearing the news of their possible departure, I cried, I didn't want to cry as I don't want them to feel badly, though I know that they do care. I struggled after we departed. I don't think I have cried like this since I lost my Dad and they aren't even gone anywhere yet. I am struggling to get out of this funk that it is holding over me and am praying that God's will be understood by me as I really don't think this is my will. I have not made such fast and close friends and fear losing them. I fear the lost of the mentor/frienship role they play with my kids. I am just sad that they must go. I guess that hardest part is that God would bring such an amazing gift in my life and decide that someone else also deserved it so very soon.
Praying for strength. Praying for looking forward to the opening doors and not to dwell so on the closing one. Praying that I can see beyond the grief that I am feeling. Praying that I can be strong for my kids when they find out. Praying that I can see and accept God's will in all of this.
The worse part in all of this is my spouse doesn't even like them! I don't think he will even care if they go. I can't even talk to him about it.
Praying for God's love and comfort and trying not to feel sorry for myself. But it still hurts.
Psalm 23:3-4 3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
How can I be of so little faith? I am struggling with worry. Anxiety about my realtionship with my spouse. Worry for my friend's parent facing surgery. Worry for the my kids. Worry for friends who will move away and how that will not only impact me as part of my supports, but my kids who love them too. I am heart broken and cannot say anything yet as nothing is finalized. I worry about the impact of their departure on so many other people as well.
Upon hearing the news of their possible departure, I cried, I didn't want to cry as I don't want them to feel badly, though I know that they do care. I struggled after we departed. I don't think I have cried like this since I lost my Dad and they aren't even gone anywhere yet. I am struggling to get out of this funk that it is holding over me and am praying that God's will be understood by me as I really don't think this is my will. I have not made such fast and close friends and fear losing them. I fear the lost of the mentor/frienship role they play with my kids. I am just sad that they must go. I guess that hardest part is that God would bring such an amazing gift in my life and decide that someone else also deserved it so very soon.
Praying for strength. Praying for looking forward to the opening doors and not to dwell so on the closing one. Praying that I can see beyond the grief that I am feeling. Praying that I can be strong for my kids when they find out. Praying that I can see and accept God's will in all of this.
The worse part in all of this is my spouse doesn't even like them! I don't think he will even care if they go. I can't even talk to him about it.
Praying for God's love and comfort and trying not to feel sorry for myself. But it still hurts.
Psalm 23:3-4 3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
Friday, 6 January 2012
Weakened
It is evident that the stress of dealing with an alcoholic family member bears a toll. Nothing was more evident that this when I received news that a dear friend could be moving away.
I felt like someone had sucker punched me. It is not malicious and it may be a great opportunity for my friend and I am happy for them, but I don't think I have cried like this since my father died and even then I don't think I felt so alone.
The stress of worrying about what the alcoholic thinks makes for thinner skin or a softer heart or just a weaker one. I was taken aback at how much of a blow the new of my friend's departure could have such a gut wrenching impact on me. I have another dear friend, but knowing that there is more than one other person out there praying for me and my spouse is an uplifting feeling. So why such a tail spin? I know that God has been listening to my rants and fears and disappointment over the last day or two and He knows how torn I am. Thrilled for them, but terrified for me. It is like a piece of my foundation is being pulled away. I know that God provides and I know that He is a constant source of refuge. I need only to ask. I also need to ask him to strengthen my faith in Him. I need Him now more than ever.
God bless,
I felt like someone had sucker punched me. It is not malicious and it may be a great opportunity for my friend and I am happy for them, but I don't think I have cried like this since my father died and even then I don't think I felt so alone.
The stress of worrying about what the alcoholic thinks makes for thinner skin or a softer heart or just a weaker one. I was taken aback at how much of a blow the new of my friend's departure could have such a gut wrenching impact on me. I have another dear friend, but knowing that there is more than one other person out there praying for me and my spouse is an uplifting feeling. So why such a tail spin? I know that God has been listening to my rants and fears and disappointment over the last day or two and He knows how torn I am. Thrilled for them, but terrified for me. It is like a piece of my foundation is being pulled away. I know that God provides and I know that He is a constant source of refuge. I need only to ask. I also need to ask him to strengthen my faith in Him. I need Him now more than ever.
God bless,
Sunday, 1 January 2012
No Recollection???
Last night our youngest called to see about staying overnight at a friends. It was new years so I didn't mind. The next question was if a couple of beers would be okay. I know that he doesn't normally like beer and turns out he only had 1/2 of one. My spouse sat across the room on the couch and this morning had no recollection of the phone call, the fact that phone call requesting permission had been made. It is disappointing to realize that despite not seeming to drink that much last night that memory lapses of such simple things are happening? I don't understand why this takes place?
Why doesn't this type of lapse seem to register at all? Why doesn't this seem odd or unusual? Why doesn't this seem strange or something that is abnormal?
How can this not seem of note? Is this part of the denial? I pray that this is a year of healing for both of us.
I cannot change my spouse, but He can. I seek the wisdom, grace, strength and courage to leave this in His hands this year. I will do my best to seek His will in handling this disease and pray that the heart of my spouse is softened and opened. I pray for strength for my kids and protection of their feelings and emotions through all of this and discernment us to respond how we need to.
Why doesn't this type of lapse seem to register at all? Why doesn't this seem odd or unusual? Why doesn't this seem strange or something that is abnormal?
How can this not seem of note? Is this part of the denial? I pray that this is a year of healing for both of us.
I cannot change my spouse, but He can. I seek the wisdom, grace, strength and courage to leave this in His hands this year. I will do my best to seek His will in handling this disease and pray that the heart of my spouse is softened and opened. I pray for strength for my kids and protection of their feelings and emotions through all of this and discernment us to respond how we need to.
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