Resilience

Learned a lot today about myself.  Through listing the things that worried us.  All of the worries I identified were things of importance, but most I have little to no control over, such as my spouse's drinking.  There was nothing that was unimportant, but there were only two things that I could have any semblance of control over.  The sad thing is that the two things will not make any difference on the others.

I am know that I am not the same person I once was.  Granted, people change, but I was a much more happy-go-lucky kind of person, more confident, more outgoing and more personable.  I feel like I am getting lost in a fog of never being good enough, of never doing things right, of contradictory statements. 

I realized today that I am feeling so bogged down with everything that is happening that my resilience to deal with the changing world around me has been worn very thin.

My spouse is an alcoholic in denial. My marriage is on the rocks.  My kids are contemplating their futures in the post-secondary world and job opportunities. My finances are not so hot. Some of my best friends are moving away and I am totally heart-broken over it!  I am being asked to take on greater leadership roles in my church and at work which normally I would be thrilled, flattered and likely jump at, but don't feel confident enough, though I am certain I could take on a different role in different circumstances.  I would also need to say "no" or stop doing something else.  I know which I would be most comfortable letting go right now, but it really would not be a good time to do so.

I am not a cynical person, but am finding that my optimism isn't so readily available as it once was. 
I absolutely know that God is with me through all of this and I am certain that with everything going on, there is no way to survive this without Him!  I pray that the joy that once came so readily will return and that I can feel His assurance with me constantly.

Is it my lack of faith that is pulling me down?  How do I honestly just let go of all the stress associated with living with an alcoholic when things are so unpredictable, when things can be such an unexpectedly emotional trigger, so pointed at times and so difficult to love?  How did Christ love the unlovable?  How is it that the part that I love seems to be disappearing more and more each day?  How can that part of the person I love be rescued from the alcohol if there is denial?  I do trust that God will look after me, but I am finding it so hard to know what is the right thing to do and sometimes when I am certain about what is right, I seem to lose sight of that or find a mixed message?  How do I know it is the right thing, I am know that I need God's help to be able to be more forgiving, and now even sometime to be more loving.  How can you love someone that can be so very hurtful?

"She will never remember what it is like to be herself. She prays that her children will" - Enough is Enough by Father's Property

I just so need Him to restoreth my soul.
God bless,