I thought what seemed two sober evenings in a row was linked to the attempt to quite smoking. I thought it meant a new leaf. Two great nights in a row and I thought there was hope. Until tonight.
Usual call home after work. A crazy day at work, I might add. It was nothing but assumptions and jumping to conclusions. I never said I wouldn't be home for supper, yet that conclusion was drawn. I suggested something for supper and then it was implied that I didn't think he could prepare supper.
Why am I always made to feel like I am wrong, it is my fault and what every I say or do is never good enough. Why, do I grasp onto this hope and believe there is a chance? Why does what is becoming rather predictable hurt so much? Why am I surprised? Why don't I have the "callouses" in place to protect me from the predictable?
Where did the confidence of this morning go? Where did the man I used to know disappear to? Why are the glimpses of him becoming so rare? What do I do with all this confusion?
How do I block this behaviour and not get pulled in? How do I separate the alcoholic behaviour from everything else? How do I put a stop to the emotional roller coater? I just want him back.
God bless,
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