Struggling

 l am struggling to love my spouse 100%.  My spouse as been drinking since returning from Afghanistan.  I loved him when he was sober.  Now I am struggling even when he is sober.  When he is drinking every night we as a family are avoiding spending time with him. He can be so hurtful in his words, it it easier just to stay away. In my mind, I know that alcoholism is a disease. I know that most of the time he doesn't remember his mean behaviour the next day. My heart is hurting so, that I am no longer sure I can honestly love him. I tried Alanon and was disappointed in the unchristian like connection with a "higher being" which could be anything from the "blade of grass" to a "tree", but am thankful to have connected with a Celebrate Recovery group this week.  I am feeling scared that I have a long road of healing ahead of me and for the kids. I am also feeling resentful that I am beginning this journey without him and that  it will be a longer process as he lives in denial that the drinking is actually happening or is a problem. 
It is at the point that I am struggling to know if I love him, at all. I have a hard time forgetting the poor behaviour that he seems to so easily forget. I thought  when I came to the realization that there was a problem with the drinking that I could love him through this and now am doubting.  I ask God daily for strength and wisdom to feel His embrace. I am relying heavily on some amazing friends for prayer and support, but I am feeling overwhelmed the last couple of days with things falling back into a bad routine.  Again, the drinking pattern changed over the last few weeks, then the wine returned the night following a doctor's appointment again. It is sad to see him drinking and sad to see the kids becoming resentful though I believe they do love him.   I know God is here as we never would have made it this far without him, but it is sad when I my husband seems to have lost touch with God completely.
In all of this I know longer know what to pray for.   I know I need God's strength, courage, wisdom and love. I need discernment and patience to know his path for me and I need prayer.  My scars are feeling fresh and my heart is sad and I need His healing so that I can at least show God's love.