Navigating life in church is difficult at best when living with an alcoholic. Without betraying my spouse, how do I celebrate the appreciation of a sober time together? Without bringing embarrassment or betrayal, how do I share that God has given me strength in the darkest moments of my life?
When I cannot take my church life and the challenges, the joy of success and find a kindred spirit in my spouse, who do I take these things too? I am facing the challenge of continuing a key role or relinquishing it all together. I have been praying and reading scriptures and get the sense that perhaps I am to step up to the challenge despite my lack of confidence, my fear of failure and my doubt that I may not be on the same page spiritually as others.
I am praying for discernment and wisdom in moving forward and a clear understanding of what I am to do. I so wish that I could sit down and discuss it with my spouse, but other times when I bring up things that have been issues at church, I get a very unchristian type of response.
How do I face the challenge of contributing to the leadership of my church when I know that my relationship at home is strained and that currently I am living unequally yoked? Without betraying my spouse, how do I share my testimony of struggle, grief, assurance, and hope?
I know there is much to continue to work on in my marriage, but there has been significant progress in some areas and not so much in others. I fear that sharing this heartache much further will only jeopardize his trust and faith in the church.
I also struggle to see if I am connected at the same level spiritually at church. There is barely anyone my age at church and I have no one I feel comfortable confiding in. I fear that I am not able to carry out my job well and wonder if I should resign. I am torn between stepping up and walking away to another church given current politics, and unchristian like decisions, actions and maneuverings.
If I cannot trust and rely upon the people I am to work with, how can I take on a leadership role with them? If I cannot be feed in the church I am in and am working so hard at feeding others, how can I sustain that? If others don't step up, how can I be encouraged?
Are my doubts and questions a way of avoiding taking on the responsibility? Am I reverting to a level of selfishness that I feel is surrounding me? How can I be certain that my doubts are reasonable and not negativity creeping in?
I am not looking for intimacy, but am looking for someone to have a reasonable conversation around this that can give me guidance to the right perspective. I am praying, but just when I think I might have it figured out, I experience something that brings confusion back and leans me in the opposite direction. I am not seeking more responsibility for pride or position, but I am concerned about the leadership direction that may result if I don't step up. Perhaps that is the direction in which the people wish to go even though it may not be the direction God would like his church to go.
Praying for clarity of understanding and discernment to know when to make the decision.
God bless.
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