Go to exchange a gift. Staff seemed very busy. It was embarrassing at best and discouraging to think that it was thought to be acceptable to treat people like that. To be angry after boxing day sales that there are not enough stock to meet demand. That there was no one to help find merchandise and that there was no additional stock available anywhere in Ontario merited cuss words and angry words.
Go gloom for stuff and no help there. Left to look for myself.
When I call him on racist comments it is not acceptable. How can there be harmony in such hatred and ill treatment of other people? How can I call him on inappropriate behaviour when it is so extreme and aggressive?
It isn't a matter of being impatient and not liking shopping, it is a matter of disrespect, rudeness and inappropriate behaviour. Is it grace to work through this to maintain the peace? I just don't know how to do this right? There has to be a better way with out blowing things up.
Need prayer for patience, wisdom and understanding.
Monday, 30 December 2013
Sunday, 29 December 2013
Struggling
It is a struggle to love hatred. It is a struggle to forgive drunken illogical arguments that are falsely critical and heartbreakingly spiteful and unwarranted. It is a struggle to forgive when there is no acknowledgement of the behaviour when it is repeated and forgotten in a drunken stupor. How do I challenge the behaviour when arguing with a drunk is hopeless and bringing it up the next day is pointless as there is no remembrance of the actions?
How do I love this? How do I forgive the same thing over and over? My heart is beyond breaking and is hardening. I need help finding forgiveness. I need help binding grace. I need wisdom in how to deal with things moving forward appropriately.
I fear that addressing the behaviour will only result in resentment and misunderstanding.
Revelations 21:4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[b] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
How do I love this? How do I forgive the same thing over and over? My heart is beyond breaking and is hardening. I need help finding forgiveness. I need help binding grace. I need wisdom in how to deal with things moving forward appropriately.
I fear that addressing the behaviour will only result in resentment and misunderstanding.
Revelations 21:4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[b] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Psalms 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Saturday, 28 December 2013
Psalm 91 (NIV)
Psalm 91
1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
3 Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
9 If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
14 “Because he[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”
Wednesday, 25 December 2013
Worst Christmas Ever ever!
First, he didn't come to Christmas Eve Service. Mention of acknowledging the end of relationships resonated, but I cast it aside. His late night apology for not coming to church seems insincere at best.
It all started when he didn't remember the kids had told him about house sitting He was ready to kick them out and told them not to come home for Christmas? He had been drinking of course, but how do you argue with a drunk man who cannot remember that he had been told and protect two young people with perfect recall that remember the discussion, but are being accused of being selfish and ruining Christmas?
How do you even get to a point where the discussion (yelling actually form his vantage point) could make any sense? Kids ask a question and they get shot down. Kids suggest something and he goes in the opposite direction. Completely unreasonable, mean spirited and hurtful. We were all crying except him and then after he blubbers that he just wants a nice Christmas? I don't get it? It takes more than the way he treated everyone last night. Because I am crying and cannot express myself - how do you speak when you know that the truth will ignite even more grief on what is supposed to be a night filled with Hope, Peace, Joy and Love and it is being completely trampled heartlessly? How could I have dealt with this differently? How could I have prevented the hurt? Why do I think I need to? Heartbroken and angry at the selfishness and the ignorance of the impact this is having. Needing God more than anything right now.
It all started when he didn't remember the kids had told him about house sitting He was ready to kick them out and told them not to come home for Christmas? He had been drinking of course, but how do you argue with a drunk man who cannot remember that he had been told and protect two young people with perfect recall that remember the discussion, but are being accused of being selfish and ruining Christmas?
How do you even get to a point where the discussion (yelling actually form his vantage point) could make any sense? Kids ask a question and they get shot down. Kids suggest something and he goes in the opposite direction. Completely unreasonable, mean spirited and hurtful. We were all crying except him and then after he blubbers that he just wants a nice Christmas? I don't get it? It takes more than the way he treated everyone last night. Because I am crying and cannot express myself - how do you speak when you know that the truth will ignite even more grief on what is supposed to be a night filled with Hope, Peace, Joy and Love and it is being completely trampled heartlessly? How could I have dealt with this differently? How could I have prevented the hurt? Why do I think I need to? Heartbroken and angry at the selfishness and the ignorance of the impact this is having. Needing God more than anything right now.
Tuesday, 17 December 2013
Integrity?
Today I found Christmas cards for special friends and family. I was able to identify with the sentiment of the cards for these people, but it broke my heart to see the cards for spouses. I feel like I have lost my best friend. I have lost my soul mate. I have lost my spouse but I cannot bring myself to walk away. He is sick. He is an alcoholic and he has disappeared into the veil of self-medication.
How do I buy a Christmas card for someone who feels like an impostor? How do I find a card that professes the deep loving relationship that a husband and wife should have but I feel like I have lost? What happens when I have worn so thin that I am not sure that I can find the forgiveness anymore? What happens if I am too scared to admit defeat? What happens when you don't feel like it will ever get better again? There have been glimmers of hope, but they keep disappearing?
If the faith of a mustard seed is so great, what has happened to my faith that he is still sick? What is God's plan in all of this? If he is the 99th lamb, why hasn't he come home yet? Is it okay to question? Is it okay to doubt. Is it okay to wonder why? Is it okay to worry that my time is too short?
If the faith of a mustard seed is so great, what has happened to my faith that he is still sick? What is God's plan in all of this? If he is the 99th lamb, why hasn't he come home yet? Is it okay to question? Is it okay to doubt. Is it okay to wonder why? Is it okay to worry that my time is too short?
Psalm 13
1 Lord, how long must I wait? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you turn your face away from me?
2 How long must I struggle with my thoughts?
How long must my heart be sad day after day?
How long will my enemies keep winning the battle over me?
How long will you turn your face away from me?
2 How long must I struggle with my thoughts?
How long must my heart be sad day after day?
How long will my enemies keep winning the battle over me?
3 Lord my God, look at me and answer me.
Give me new life, or I will die.
4 Then my enemies will say, “We have beaten him.”
They will be filled with joy when I die.
Give me new life, or I will die.
4 Then my enemies will say, “We have beaten him.”
They will be filled with joy when I die.
5 But I trust in your faithful love.
My heart is filled with joy because you will save me.
6 I will sing to the Lord.
He has been so good to me.
My heart is filled with joy because you will save me.
6 I will sing to the Lord.
He has been so good to me.
Tuesday, 10 December 2013
Compromise
Is compromising really win/win or is it win lose? If sacrifices are made to maintain the peace over and over again, doesn't it end up being a losing situation in the end? If the end result was a sober spouse and a healed relationship then compromising wouldn't be so bad.
Is compromising an enabler? Does avoiding the drunken dispute really help or prevent any tears in the long run or just result in a high pressure unpredictable fountain of tears? Is it a sacrifice to maintain peace or is confrontation necessary? I don't think I actually hear the innuendo, put downs and insults anymore or at least I don't rise to the occasion. but they are hurting.
I am more angry now than hurt. more resentful than feeling victimised. In the end we are both losing at this rate. God's grace is so abundant. Why can't I find more of it in me? I am imperfect, but I am becoming less tolerant I think.
Praying for wisdom, discernment and appropriate action without compromise.
Is compromising an enabler? Does avoiding the drunken dispute really help or prevent any tears in the long run or just result in a high pressure unpredictable fountain of tears? Is it a sacrifice to maintain peace or is confrontation necessary? I don't think I actually hear the innuendo, put downs and insults anymore or at least I don't rise to the occasion. but they are hurting.
I am more angry now than hurt. more resentful than feeling victimised. In the end we are both losing at this rate. God's grace is so abundant. Why can't I find more of it in me? I am imperfect, but I am becoming less tolerant I think.
Praying for wisdom, discernment and appropriate action without compromise.
Saturday, 7 December 2013
Alone?
There is always a desire for family dinners together. A chance to have a family dinner is once again shunned because it is a Christmas family dinner at the Church. I try to find the good. I try to give the benefit of the doubt. I invited him to join us. He was invited by a friend from the church after he dropped my off last night. I am tired of being alone when I go to church events.
Why is it acceptable to turn down my invitation to church events? Last year an elderly gentleman invited me to a great show which would be nice to see. I suspect he felt that I was single given he had never met my husband. It is preferable to sit at home alone than to join us for dinner. That is what makes me wonder if trying is worth it. There is no real intimacy. There is not chivalry. There is no being made to feel like I am important. There is no invitations from the other side. Yes, I may be guilty of not initiating things, but when belittled, criticised, continually independent, and the only affection seems to come after booze starts, then what am I trying for. I know that I am allowing little things to get to me and that there is a bigger plan. I cannot pretend it is all a rose garden, unless it is after the blooms are gone. Will the blooms return to the prickly branches? Will there be a spring after this winter chill?
What can I find that is worth looking forward to? What can there be that is positive? Where can I change my attitude? How can I let go and give everything to God. I would like to but think I am doubting.
Why is it acceptable to turn down my invitation to church events? Last year an elderly gentleman invited me to a great show which would be nice to see. I suspect he felt that I was single given he had never met my husband. It is preferable to sit at home alone than to join us for dinner. That is what makes me wonder if trying is worth it. There is no real intimacy. There is not chivalry. There is no being made to feel like I am important. There is no invitations from the other side. Yes, I may be guilty of not initiating things, but when belittled, criticised, continually independent, and the only affection seems to come after booze starts, then what am I trying for. I know that I am allowing little things to get to me and that there is a bigger plan. I cannot pretend it is all a rose garden, unless it is after the blooms are gone. Will the blooms return to the prickly branches? Will there be a spring after this winter chill?
What can I find that is worth looking forward to? What can there be that is positive? Where can I change my attitude? How can I let go and give everything to God. I would like to but think I am doubting.
Psalm 91
1 The person who rests in the shadow of the Most High God
will be kept safe by the Mighty One.
2 I will say about the Lord,
“He is my place of safety.
He is like a fort to me.
He is my God. I trust in him.”
will be kept safe by the Mighty One.
2 I will say about the Lord,
“He is my place of safety.
He is like a fort to me.
He is my God. I trust in him.”
3 He will certainly save you from hidden traps
and from deadly sickness.
4 He will cover you with his wings.
Under the feathers of his wings you will find safety.
He is faithful. He will keep you safe like a shield or a tower.
5 You won’t have to be afraid of the terrors that come during the night.
You won’t have to fear the arrows that come at you during the day.
6 You won’t have to be afraid of the sickness that attacks in the darkness.
You won’t have to fear the plague that destroys at noon.
7 A thousand may fall dead at your side.
Ten thousand may fall near your right hand.
But no harm will come to you.
8 You will see with your own eyes
how God punishes sinful people.
and from deadly sickness.
4 He will cover you with his wings.
Under the feathers of his wings you will find safety.
He is faithful. He will keep you safe like a shield or a tower.
5 You won’t have to be afraid of the terrors that come during the night.
You won’t have to fear the arrows that come at you during the day.
6 You won’t have to be afraid of the sickness that attacks in the darkness.
You won’t have to fear the plague that destroys at noon.
7 A thousand may fall dead at your side.
Ten thousand may fall near your right hand.
But no harm will come to you.
8 You will see with your own eyes
how God punishes sinful people.
9 The Lord is the one who keeps you safe.
So let the Most High God be like a home to you.
10 Then no harm will come to you.
No terrible plague will come near your tent.
11 The Lord will command his angels
to take good care of you.
12 They will lift you up in their hands.
Then you won’t trip over a stone.
13 You will walk all over lions and cobras.
You will crush mighty lions and poisonous snakes.
So let the Most High God be like a home to you.
10 Then no harm will come to you.
No terrible plague will come near your tent.
11 The Lord will command his angels
to take good care of you.
12 They will lift you up in their hands.
Then you won’t trip over a stone.
13 You will walk all over lions and cobras.
You will crush mighty lions and poisonous snakes.
14 The Lord says, “I will save the one who loves me.
I will keep him safe, because he trusts in me.
15 He will call out to me, and I will answer him.
I will be with him in times of trouble.
I will save him and honor him.
16 I will give him a long and full life.
I will save him.”
I will keep him safe, because he trusts in me.
15 He will call out to me, and I will answer him.
I will be with him in times of trouble.
I will save him and honor him.
16 I will give him a long and full life.
I will save him.”
Wednesday, 4 December 2013
Tilt-a-whirl or Roller Coaster
I often compare the ups and downs of my life to a roller coaster. Sometimes I can see the next curve and other times there is a blind hill that once you reach the top, the bottom is invisible. Sometimes your arms are in the sky for the thrill of the ride and other times you knuckles are white from the grip on the chicken bar.
The tilt-a-whirl perhaps a little more predictable, but equally stomach churning and challenging to figure out when the centrifical force will come to an end. Sometimes you pull on the centre column to make the world spin out of control and other times you try to grip it to slow the dizzying sensation of the world whizzing by.
Either way, regardless of the path, the unpredictability or the uneasiness or confidence we tackle things with, Jesus is the constant. It is our faith that we need to hold on to. He is there no matter if we think all is well or if we desperately need to lean on Him.
For it's by grace you have been saved, through faith, and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.
- Eph. 2:8
The tilt-a-whirl perhaps a little more predictable, but equally stomach churning and challenging to figure out when the centrifical force will come to an end. Sometimes you pull on the centre column to make the world spin out of control and other times you try to grip it to slow the dizzying sensation of the world whizzing by.
Either way, regardless of the path, the unpredictability or the uneasiness or confidence we tackle things with, Jesus is the constant. It is our faith that we need to hold on to. He is there no matter if we think all is well or if we desperately need to lean on Him.
For it's by grace you have been saved, through faith, and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.
- Eph. 2:8
Tuesday, 3 December 2013
Guilty and confused
The devil thrives on reminding us how sinful we are. He is in his glory when he undermines the grace and forgiveness that God so willingly gives us. God forgives if we ask him to.
I have struggled with my spouse's alcoholism. I have experienced heartache, resentment, insecurity, anger, victimisation and the tearing feeling between love and hate and the blurring line between loving the man and hating the alcohol. Loving the sober relationship, but despising the booze laden breath and fumbling and stumbling.
As I realize how Satan seeks to undermine everything, I know now that I need to turn it over to God. God will handle things when and if I ask Him to. If I sit in pity and play the victim, then am I really seeking God's help. The hardest thing is to realised that as much of a victim I might be, I can stop being the victim if only I am willing to let God have full control.
Yes, I felt guilty about my spouse's health issue, but it is in God's hands. I pray that it isn't serious and that it is remedied quickly through the medical staff. I pray that God is watching over the medical staff too. Yes, I felt guilty about resenting his clumsy drunken behaviour, but it is his choice to be that way. God can only help him if he will ask God. I pray that he opens his heart and asks for God's healing hand and forgiveness.
I pray that when I do succumb to anger, resentment, discouragement and heartache, that I am able to let it go and turn it over to God. He is there to hold me up when I feel down and to encourage and strengthen me when I feel there is nothing left. Reassurance, strength to weather the storms and confidence that He is with me is so incredibly encouraging.
Praying for continued healing. Praying for strength, confidence and discernment in moving forward. Praying for forgiveness, grace and love as God forgives me.
God bless.
Jane
I have struggled with my spouse's alcoholism. I have experienced heartache, resentment, insecurity, anger, victimisation and the tearing feeling between love and hate and the blurring line between loving the man and hating the alcohol. Loving the sober relationship, but despising the booze laden breath and fumbling and stumbling.
As I realize how Satan seeks to undermine everything, I know now that I need to turn it over to God. God will handle things when and if I ask Him to. If I sit in pity and play the victim, then am I really seeking God's help. The hardest thing is to realised that as much of a victim I might be, I can stop being the victim if only I am willing to let God have full control.
Yes, I felt guilty about my spouse's health issue, but it is in God's hands. I pray that it isn't serious and that it is remedied quickly through the medical staff. I pray that God is watching over the medical staff too. Yes, I felt guilty about resenting his clumsy drunken behaviour, but it is his choice to be that way. God can only help him if he will ask God. I pray that he opens his heart and asks for God's healing hand and forgiveness.
I pray that when I do succumb to anger, resentment, discouragement and heartache, that I am able to let it go and turn it over to God. He is there to hold me up when I feel down and to encourage and strengthen me when I feel there is nothing left. Reassurance, strength to weather the storms and confidence that He is with me is so incredibly encouraging.
Praying for continued healing. Praying for strength, confidence and discernment in moving forward. Praying for forgiveness, grace and love as God forgives me.
God bless.
Jane
Saturday, 2 November 2013
Clarity
It is surprising that perspective that becomes clearer at times. The absence of certain behaviours allow counter behaviours to disappear. A reduction in anxiety, defence mechanisms and stress occur. This is a rest. This is respite. This is a chance to get rejuvenated. It feels good. I am blessed at the moment. I was reminded that with challenges come growth. With our faith comes reward.
Things may return to normal, but it will be important during challenging times to remember that the beauty of a gem doesn't occur without the friction of polishing.
Things may return to normal, but it will be important during challenging times to remember that the beauty of a gem doesn't occur without the friction of polishing.
1 Peter 1:3-9
New International Reader's Version (NIRV)
3 Give praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. In his great mercy he has given us a new birth and a hope that is alive. It is alive because Jesus Christ rose from the dead. 4 He has given us new birth so that we might share in what belongs to him. It is a gift that can never be destroyed. It can never spoil or even fade away. It is kept in heaven for you. 5 Through faith you are kept safe by God’s power. Your salvation is going to be completed. It is ready to be shown to you in the last days.
6 Because you know this, you have great joy. You have joy even though you may have had to suffer for a little while. You may have had to suffer sadness in all kinds of trouble.
7 Your troubles have come in order to prove that your faith is real. It is worth more than gold. Gold can pass away even though fire has made it pure. Your faith is meant to bring praise, honor and glory to God. That will happen when Jesus Christ returns.
8 Even though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not see him now, you believe in him. You are filled with a glorious joy that can’t be put into words. 9 You are receiving the salvation of your souls. It is the result of your faith.
6 Because you know this, you have great joy. You have joy even though you may have had to suffer for a little while. You may have had to suffer sadness in all kinds of trouble.
7 Your troubles have come in order to prove that your faith is real. It is worth more than gold. Gold can pass away even though fire has made it pure. Your faith is meant to bring praise, honor and glory to God. That will happen when Jesus Christ returns.
8 Even though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not see him now, you believe in him. You are filled with a glorious joy that can’t be put into words. 9 You are receiving the salvation of your souls. It is the result of your faith.
Friday, 25 October 2013
Sad with Guilty Anticipation
Tomorrow he leaves for a trip. I am looking forward to the departure. I can't wait for some alone time for independence, autonomy, to think, reflect. To be free from criticism, scorn, under-the-breath comments and hurtful insults is like a vacation! I should be sad that he will be away. I should be thinking about missing him and I am not.
I am sad to realize that this is the direction of my thinking. I long for affection. I long for discussion about anything but work. I long for someone to go for a walk with, to share in faith without fear of ridicule, to feel supported rather than to feel like a let down. I want so much to have a friend in my spouse that understands and of course a lover that I could once again trust with my heart. I am retreating more and more to protect my heart from him and it is breaking my heart that this is where we have come.
Just when I think there might be hope, there he is passed out on the couch, once again. Am I grieving the loss of our relationship or am I grieving the loss of the man I love.
I pray for the drinking to stop. I pray that I can forgive. I pray that I can love as Jesus must love him. I pray for wisdom, patience, understanding and discernment that I know what is the right way forward. I pray for humility to let go of my pride where I need to and to love the man and ignore the illness. I pray that the doubt disappears and confidence returns. I pray that I can let God have control and accept the direction that He wants to go. I am not certain that He wants me relishing in the idea of his departure for this trip and looking forward to independence.
I pray for the right path to be evident and that the right choices are easy to make.
God bless.
I am sad to realize that this is the direction of my thinking. I long for affection. I long for discussion about anything but work. I long for someone to go for a walk with, to share in faith without fear of ridicule, to feel supported rather than to feel like a let down. I want so much to have a friend in my spouse that understands and of course a lover that I could once again trust with my heart. I am retreating more and more to protect my heart from him and it is breaking my heart that this is where we have come.
Just when I think there might be hope, there he is passed out on the couch, once again. Am I grieving the loss of our relationship or am I grieving the loss of the man I love.
I pray for the drinking to stop. I pray that I can forgive. I pray that I can love as Jesus must love him. I pray for wisdom, patience, understanding and discernment that I know what is the right way forward. I pray for humility to let go of my pride where I need to and to love the man and ignore the illness. I pray that the doubt disappears and confidence returns. I pray that I can let God have control and accept the direction that He wants to go. I am not certain that He wants me relishing in the idea of his departure for this trip and looking forward to independence.
I pray for the right path to be evident and that the right choices are easy to make.
God bless.
Monday, 14 October 2013
Thankfulness
Thankful for people, but not behaviours. Thankful for good friends, but not for booze. Thankful for all God has given me. Wish I had the grace and wisdom to better deal with disappointments.
Thankful that God offers me more grace than I seem able to find when alcohol messes things up.
Thankful that God offers me more grace than I seem able to find when alcohol messes things up.
Sunday, 13 October 2013
So much to be thankful for
God has given me a very blessed life. I have somewhere to live. I have amazing kids. I have food when I need it and even when I don't. I have a job that challenges me and transportation to take me there. I have the opportunity to study and learn and grow. I have amazing friends who have supported me through some very dark times and given me shoulders to lean on. God has also shown me that things happen in His time.
I started the weekend disappointed. Disappointed with the same old bouquet of roses for our anniversary. Disappointed we didn't go away. Disappointed that the drinking continued. Disappointed we didn't go see a movie yesterday. Disappointed that things just didn't seem to be going the way I wanted them to at all lately.
Earlier this week, I left our church's Thanksgiving letter on the dinner table. It is from our new minister and I hoped that hubby might read it! Yesterday at breakfast, he did!! He even read the devotional on the back!!! Today, he came up stairs. He asked to iron his shirt. I was surprised. He said he was coming to church with us and he said I hadn't asked. It doesn't matter that I have in the past. He came to church today!!! God orchestrated a great Sunday to come to church!!!
Good grief! It was about things that hold us. Things that bind us. Debt (guilty), fashion and expectations of fashion such as control top pantyhose, girdles etc (guilty), poverty, emotional hurts (yup), physical suffering and addictions. Yes she said addictions! I couldn't believe it. God lead him to join us at church, today of all days? God lead the minister to speak quite directly about something I completely didn't expect. In addition, the minister never expected us to be there given that I thought we would be away this weekend! In fact, given we had not gone away, I had actually contemplated going to another church today until he said he was coming with us! Praying that the message registered and convicted him as much as it did me. Yes. Jesus came to free us from all of that, but we have to let Him. God loves us no matter what we have done, but we need to bring it to Him.
Praying for a new beginning that will allow healing, growth, forgiveness and love to expand.
Praying that I can find just a bit of the incredible forgiveness and love that God gives us. Praying that I can hold to the freeing power that He gives us and that my spouse desires the same.
I may not have liked the whole message today. I know that God was speaking to me as well as to him. I thank God for showing me that He is in control, regardless of everything else, he will look after me. Happy Thanksgiving!
I started the weekend disappointed. Disappointed with the same old bouquet of roses for our anniversary. Disappointed we didn't go away. Disappointed that the drinking continued. Disappointed we didn't go see a movie yesterday. Disappointed that things just didn't seem to be going the way I wanted them to at all lately.
Earlier this week, I left our church's Thanksgiving letter on the dinner table. It is from our new minister and I hoped that hubby might read it! Yesterday at breakfast, he did!! He even read the devotional on the back!!! Today, he came up stairs. He asked to iron his shirt. I was surprised. He said he was coming to church with us and he said I hadn't asked. It doesn't matter that I have in the past. He came to church today!!! God orchestrated a great Sunday to come to church!!!
Good grief! It was about things that hold us. Things that bind us. Debt (guilty), fashion and expectations of fashion such as control top pantyhose, girdles etc (guilty), poverty, emotional hurts (yup), physical suffering and addictions. Yes she said addictions! I couldn't believe it. God lead him to join us at church, today of all days? God lead the minister to speak quite directly about something I completely didn't expect. In addition, the minister never expected us to be there given that I thought we would be away this weekend! In fact, given we had not gone away, I had actually contemplated going to another church today until he said he was coming with us! Praying that the message registered and convicted him as much as it did me. Yes. Jesus came to free us from all of that, but we have to let Him. God loves us no matter what we have done, but we need to bring it to Him.
Praying for a new beginning that will allow healing, growth, forgiveness and love to expand.
Praying that I can find just a bit of the incredible forgiveness and love that God gives us. Praying that I can hold to the freeing power that He gives us and that my spouse desires the same.
I may not have liked the whole message today. I know that God was speaking to me as well as to him. I thank God for showing me that He is in control, regardless of everything else, he will look after me. Happy Thanksgiving!
Wednesday, 9 October 2013
It would have been 26 years ago tonight, the rehearsal party would be over. I was sleeping in my bed at the home where I grew up. He was probably out having a celebratory drink with his friends. The next day in the excitement and my the tension of my parents, it didn't register that he barely made it to the church on time. The story that he had had a lot to drink that night may have set the tone for now.
We have had rocky points. Likely rockier than some and we have had great times. Camping, friends, family, all laid a path for great memories until about 7 years ago. The man that I knew began to disappear. He drank in Afghanistan despite the limitation of booze for most. He came home and maybe it was denial that something was wrong or mourning the loss of his mother gave him an excuse that I accepted, but day after day, night after night, he has been disappearing in the distorted world of booze.
I stood in the card store. I love the card store. I looked at anniversary cards and I wanted to cry. I couldn't bear the thought of missing out on the sentiments expressed in each of those cards. I should have been in the sympathy card area as I fought to hold back tears as well as struggle with the disappearance of the man I loved. I know it is wrong to let resentment creep in, but it is hard to truly care when there is absence from holding up the other end of this relationship. Passed out on the couch is not a relationship building endeavour.
We both committed to this for life. But did we commit to the dutiful life of living together without affection, without real love? I had an interesting conversation around where do my priorities lie. What is most important to me? Are my relationships the most important? My goals and objectives? My self respect? Where do I draw the line?
The last 7 years or so have been a one sided relationship and though love is professed, real love is not here. God loves him and I loved him. God can show me the way to love again, but I need to hold on to God to find that.
I need His love and His wisdom and His courage to continue this.
I do not want to be writing this in one year.
Saturday, 28 September 2013
Fear, anxiety, hardened heart or hatred?
I am beginning to think I need a change of perspective. For the first time in a very long time I got home from work and it was just my spouse and I. Both kids were out.
As I walked down the street, on a beautiful clear sky evening, it wasn't joyful anticipation that crossed my mind as I realized the kids would already be gone. It felt like a net of anxiety wrapped itself around me. Just me and him. Would he be drinking? Had he had something to drink already? Would it be an enjoyable evening?
When I got home, the pizza had arrived. We went downstairs and watched Michael J. Fox's new show which was pretty funny. Love the way he found humour in the Parkinson's disease and joy in life. It was interesting to note that in some scenes he appeared more tired than others, but what an amazing show he has pulled together! I digress a bit.
I tried to enjoy the show, but did not fail to notice the glasses of wine with the pizza. Once the season premier was over, I retreated to try and an assignment done.
It struck me that I am worried about being hurt by stinging, mean-spirited comments and would rather avoid the chance of getting hurt by stepping away as the alcohol has a chance to be absorbed. The fact that I didn't look forward to alone time, that I immediately noted the wine consumption and that I could not fully relax and enjoy the time together is a problem.
The anger and betrayal I feel at not being able to "let my hair down" completely as who knows when what I say or do might be used against me in an inebriated angry stupor.
I am scared of being hurt. I anticipate anger and criticism and am uncomfortable with opening up to any affection. I expect that I will be hurt rather than hoping, trusting and having faith that my heart and my feelings are going to be treated with sensitivity, concern or respect.
Psalm 27: 5 - For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and set me high upon a rock.
God, show me the hurt that is causing the drinking. Show me the way to open my heart if I should. Take away my doubt, mis-trust and fear. Give me courage, compassion, love and forgiveness. But most of all cradle me Lord in your care and give me wisdom to know where to draw the line.
As I walked down the street, on a beautiful clear sky evening, it wasn't joyful anticipation that crossed my mind as I realized the kids would already be gone. It felt like a net of anxiety wrapped itself around me. Just me and him. Would he be drinking? Had he had something to drink already? Would it be an enjoyable evening?
When I got home, the pizza had arrived. We went downstairs and watched Michael J. Fox's new show which was pretty funny. Love the way he found humour in the Parkinson's disease and joy in life. It was interesting to note that in some scenes he appeared more tired than others, but what an amazing show he has pulled together! I digress a bit.
I tried to enjoy the show, but did not fail to notice the glasses of wine with the pizza. Once the season premier was over, I retreated to try and an assignment done.
It struck me that I am worried about being hurt by stinging, mean-spirited comments and would rather avoid the chance of getting hurt by stepping away as the alcohol has a chance to be absorbed. The fact that I didn't look forward to alone time, that I immediately noted the wine consumption and that I could not fully relax and enjoy the time together is a problem.
The anger and betrayal I feel at not being able to "let my hair down" completely as who knows when what I say or do might be used against me in an inebriated angry stupor.
I am scared of being hurt. I anticipate anger and criticism and am uncomfortable with opening up to any affection. I expect that I will be hurt rather than hoping, trusting and having faith that my heart and my feelings are going to be treated with sensitivity, concern or respect.
Psalm 27: 5 - For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and set me high upon a rock.
God, show me the hurt that is causing the drinking. Show me the way to open my heart if I should. Take away my doubt, mis-trust and fear. Give me courage, compassion, love and forgiveness. But most of all cradle me Lord in your care and give me wisdom to know where to draw the line.
Psalm 27 (New International Version)
Of David.
1 The Lord is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When the wicked advance against me
to devour[a] me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.
to devour[a] me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.
4 One thing I ask from the Lord,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the Lord.
above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the Lord.
7 Hear my voice when I call, Lord;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, Lord, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, Lord;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
spouting malicious accusations.
be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, Lord, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, Lord;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
spouting malicious accusations.
13 I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.
Sunday, 15 September 2013
Stalled...
It is easier to stare at the computer than it is to tackle the reading I should be doing. It is easier to think about what everyone else might be doing and enjoying in their lives as we watch the happy photos and posts scroll by. It is easier to procrastinate and blame the distraction what is breaking our hearts than it is to go out and fix it.
Why do we avoid? What do we fear? What if we dived in with both feet? Is it the fear of being hurt again? Is it the fear of rejection, ridicule, belittlement, or just the unpredictable outcome that results from cumulative drinks?
Is it easier to hold onto the self pity than to let God carry it for us? Do we have to do this by ourselves?
Help me to turn it over to you God. Help me to relinquish the fear, the guilt, the worry and the heartache to you. You can take this shattered heart and You can heal it. You can guide me in what needs to be done and give me the strength, the courage and the discernment to tackle what is right.
Where we freeze in fear, thaw our minds and give us courage! Where we feel resentment, help us to see both sides and where we can handle things differently. Where we are numbed by belittlement, insult, worry and avoidance, motivate us to take the small steps to move forward. Where we feel the need to make a decision, give us patience and discernment. Where it is time to forgive, give us compassion and understanding. Where it is time to rebuke, give us wisdom and justice.
Lord you are with us when it is darkest. Let us settle into the comfort you offer us and stop trying to be in control.
Why do we avoid? What do we fear? What if we dived in with both feet? Is it the fear of being hurt again? Is it the fear of rejection, ridicule, belittlement, or just the unpredictable outcome that results from cumulative drinks?
Is it easier to hold onto the self pity than to let God carry it for us? Do we have to do this by ourselves?
Help me to turn it over to you God. Help me to relinquish the fear, the guilt, the worry and the heartache to you. You can take this shattered heart and You can heal it. You can guide me in what needs to be done and give me the strength, the courage and the discernment to tackle what is right.
Where we freeze in fear, thaw our minds and give us courage! Where we feel resentment, help us to see both sides and where we can handle things differently. Where we are numbed by belittlement, insult, worry and avoidance, motivate us to take the small steps to move forward. Where we feel the need to make a decision, give us patience and discernment. Where it is time to forgive, give us compassion and understanding. Where it is time to rebuke, give us wisdom and justice.
Lord you are with us when it is darkest. Let us settle into the comfort you offer us and stop trying to be in control.
Psalm 91
1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
3 Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
9 If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
14 “Because he[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”
Saturday, 7 September 2013
You would think it would be normal
Why do I let the cold shoulder and guilt trips get to me? Why do I take them personally? I invited him to a movie that I wanted to see. He said no. I went to the movie and had supper. Now it is the sulking behaviour that is getting me down.
Why do I let this behaviour get under my skin? I do not understand why I am made to feel bad when I am the sober one? When I have remained patient for so long? When I have stayed here in all of this?
Perhaps I am choosing self-pity at the moment, but I really don't understand sometimes.
Why, after all this time, do I let it bother me? Why am I surprised by it? Why can't I just remember it is his choice and not mine on days like this?
Why am I taken aback that a problem is made out of a mole hill? Why can't I just let it go?
Lord, let me relinquish control to you.
Why do I let this behaviour get under my skin? I do not understand why I am made to feel bad when I am the sober one? When I have remained patient for so long? When I have stayed here in all of this?
Perhaps I am choosing self-pity at the moment, but I really don't understand sometimes.
Why, after all this time, do I let it bother me? Why am I surprised by it? Why can't I just remember it is his choice and not mine on days like this?
Why am I taken aback that a problem is made out of a mole hill? Why can't I just let it go?
Lord, let me relinquish control to you.
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