It would have been 26 years ago tonight, the rehearsal party would be over. I was sleeping in my bed at the home where I grew up.  He was probably out having a celebratory drink with his friends.   The next day in the excitement and my the tension of my parents, it didn't register that he barely made it to the church on time.  The story that he had had a lot to drink that night may have set the tone for now.  

We have had rocky points. Likely rockier than some and we have had great times.  Camping, friends, family, all laid a path for great memories until about 7 years ago.  The man that I knew began to disappear.  He drank in Afghanistan despite the limitation of booze for most.  He came home and maybe it was denial that something was wrong or mourning the loss of his mother gave him an excuse that I accepted, but day after day, night after night, he has been disappearing in the distorted world of booze.  

I stood in the card store.  I love the card store.  I looked at anniversary cards and I wanted to cry.  I couldn't bear the thought of missing out on the sentiments expressed in each of those cards.  I should have been in the sympathy card area as I fought to hold back tears as well as struggle with the disappearance of the man I loved.  I know it is wrong to let resentment creep in, but it is hard to truly care when there is absence from holding up the other end of this relationship.  Passed out on the couch is not a relationship building endeavour.

We both committed to this for life. But did we commit to the dutiful life of living together without affection, without real love?  I had an interesting conversation around where do my priorities lie.  What is most important to me?  Are my relationships the most important?  My goals and objectives?  My self respect?  Where do I draw the line?

The last 7 years or so have been a one sided relationship and though love is professed, real love is not here.  God loves him and I loved him.  God can show me the way to love again, but I need to hold on to God to find that.

I need His love and His wisdom and His courage to continue this.

I do not want to be writing this in one year.