Tomorrow he leaves for a trip. I am looking forward to the departure. I can't wait for some alone time for independence, autonomy, to think, reflect. To be free from criticism, scorn, under-the-breath comments and hurtful insults is like a vacation! I should be sad that he will be away. I should be thinking about missing him and I am not.
I am sad to realize that this is the direction of my thinking. I long for affection. I long for discussion about anything but work. I long for someone to go for a walk with, to share in faith without fear of ridicule, to feel supported rather than to feel like a let down. I want so much to have a friend in my spouse that understands and of course a lover that I could once again trust with my heart. I am retreating more and more to protect my heart from him and it is breaking my heart that this is where we have come.
Just when I think there might be hope, there he is passed out on the couch, once again. Am I grieving the loss of our relationship or am I grieving the loss of the man I love.
I pray for the drinking to stop. I pray that I can forgive. I pray that I can love as Jesus must love him. I pray for wisdom, patience, understanding and discernment that I know what is the right way forward. I pray for humility to let go of my pride where I need to and to love the man and ignore the illness. I pray that the doubt disappears and confidence returns. I pray that I can let God have control and accept the direction that He wants to go. I am not certain that He wants me relishing in the idea of his departure for this trip and looking forward to independence.
I pray for the right path to be evident and that the right choices are easy to make.
God bless.
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