Integrity?

Today I found Christmas cards for special friends and family.  I was able to identify with the sentiment of the cards for these people, but it broke my heart to see the cards for spouses.  I feel like I  have lost my best friend. I have lost my soul mate.  I have lost my spouse but I cannot bring myself to walk away.  He is sick. He is an alcoholic and he has disappeared into the veil of self-medication.

How do I buy a Christmas card for someone who feels like an impostor? How do I find a card that professes the deep loving relationship that a husband and wife should have but I feel like I have lost?  What happens when I have worn so thin that I am not sure that I can find the forgiveness anymore?  What happens if I am too scared to admit defeat? What happens when you don't feel like it will ever get better again?  There have been glimmers of hope, but they keep disappearing?

If the faith of a mustard seed is so great, what has happened to my faith that he is still sick?  What is God's plan in all of this?  If he is the 99th lamb, why hasn't he come home yet? Is it okay to question? Is it okay to doubt. Is it okay to wonder why?  Is it okay to worry that my time is too short?

Psalm 13

1 Lord, how long must I wait? Will you forget me forever?
    How long will you turn your face away from me?
2 How long must I struggle with my thoughts?
    How long must my heart be sad day after day?
    How long will my enemies keep winning the battle over me?

3 Lord my God, look at me and answer me.
    Give me new life, or I will die.
4 Then my enemies will say, “We have beaten him.”
    They will be filled with joy when I die.

5 But I trust in your faithful love.
    My heart is filled with joy because you will save me.
6 I will sing to the Lord.
    He has been so good to me.