Hope is saying something about the impact of the drinking and not having it completely denied. Hope is every additional moment sober even if it is because gaming is the distraction. Hope is the conversations that are had each morning where no alcohol has yet been consumed. Hope is the glimpse of the real person I married once.
Hope is the family time we are able to enjoy because being deeply under the influence is not happening tonight. Hope is knowing that there will likely not be any snide comments, barbed criticisms, and less chance for hurt feelings.
Hope is knowing God is here, whether my spouse is sober or not. Hope is knowing someday, in His time, God will use this experience. Hope is knowing that the kids get to see their parent in a different light than they have recently.
Hope is that God will continue to heal my heart, protect my family and soften my spouse's heart.
Hope is that Jesus was born and died for each of us including my spouse. Now hoping that that message becomes evident.
Hope!
Thursday, 29 December 2011
Wednesday, 28 December 2011
Negativity, Control and Hate?
How can he be so hateful towards someone? How can he decide who can come into our home? Why can he decree that I cannot have friends in my own home? My friends have never done anything to him. He is offended by little boys who are just little boys? He acts like the pouting child more than they do? Why does he deteriorate into such a negative person? I am working on Christmas cards and he asks me while I am in the middle of writing one if we can go to a movie this week. I simply say "umhmm" in the affirmative as I am in the middle of a thought and he gets angry and swears?
Why doesn't he see how hurtful he is when he drinks? I kept something from him the other day because he had been drinking and I thought he was in a foul mood. He was then angry with me the next day for keeping it from him. Then he is angry that I didn't know about a charge on our child's credit card? I didn't look at the bill and I deserve anger? How can I do so much wrong in his eyes? I wonder why my confidence takes such a beating and find that the more time I spend with him, the less loving he is not just towards me but towards everyone!
He seems to enjoy being spiteful, hateful, judgemental and thrives on making sure everyone else knows how sour he seems to be feeling. Why does alcohol do this? Why can't he see that betrayal of our relationship and the relationship with his children is taking place? It is evident that the kids would prefer to be almost anywhere else but here when he is drinking and he doesn't get it!
I pray for the softening of his heart. I pray that he becomes willing to seek help and speak with someone. I pray that I can be fearlessly honest with him and that I can be more understanding. Where I am having difficulty being understanding that I can be compassionate and that I can be more in tuned to what might be offencive. I also pray for the courage to challenge him where I need to and wisdom to discern when to challenge and when to be compassionate. I wish I could understand better what my role is to be if he remains in denial and won't admit there is a problem.
I wish my heart didn't hurt so much. I know that God gives me strength and i know he is with me, but I need Him to shore up my faith to mend my heart and help me to forgive the barbs and negative comments.
Praying for hope, healing, faith and strength.
Why doesn't he see how hurtful he is when he drinks? I kept something from him the other day because he had been drinking and I thought he was in a foul mood. He was then angry with me the next day for keeping it from him. Then he is angry that I didn't know about a charge on our child's credit card? I didn't look at the bill and I deserve anger? How can I do so much wrong in his eyes? I wonder why my confidence takes such a beating and find that the more time I spend with him, the less loving he is not just towards me but towards everyone!
He seems to enjoy being spiteful, hateful, judgemental and thrives on making sure everyone else knows how sour he seems to be feeling. Why does alcohol do this? Why can't he see that betrayal of our relationship and the relationship with his children is taking place? It is evident that the kids would prefer to be almost anywhere else but here when he is drinking and he doesn't get it!
I pray for the softening of his heart. I pray that he becomes willing to seek help and speak with someone. I pray that I can be fearlessly honest with him and that I can be more understanding. Where I am having difficulty being understanding that I can be compassionate and that I can be more in tuned to what might be offencive. I also pray for the courage to challenge him where I need to and wisdom to discern when to challenge and when to be compassionate. I wish I could understand better what my role is to be if he remains in denial and won't admit there is a problem.
I wish my heart didn't hurt so much. I know that God gives me strength and i know he is with me, but I need Him to shore up my faith to mend my heart and help me to forgive the barbs and negative comments.
Praying for hope, healing, faith and strength.
Saturday, 24 December 2011
Disappointment
He said he would go to church. I prayed that he would. Praying that his heart will be softened. Prayed that something in the service would reach him...
He has a cold or the flu. Not well enough to go to church. How can he be reached if he doesn't go to church? What happens. It is hard to persevere when he keeps on either turning down the invitation or just not going. We cannot bring him to God on our own. He needs God's family around him.
Anxious that an opportunity has been lost. Wonder at the prospects of inviting him for New Years. Well, gotta go stuff some stockings. Kids are finally in bed!
"Our hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight"
God bless.
He has a cold or the flu. Not well enough to go to church. How can he be reached if he doesn't go to church? What happens. It is hard to persevere when he keeps on either turning down the invitation or just not going. We cannot bring him to God on our own. He needs God's family around him.
Anxious that an opportunity has been lost. Wonder at the prospects of inviting him for New Years. Well, gotta go stuff some stockings. Kids are finally in bed!
"Our hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight"
God bless.
Friday, 23 December 2011
Blessings
I may feel sorry for myself from time to time. I wish my spouse walked with me not only as my husband, but as a brother in Christ. I wish that he didn't drink to the extent that he does.I wish that he didn't swear. I wish that he wanted to be more engaged in the kids lives and their activities. I wish that we had a better friendship like we once did. I wish that he would be more friendly and less judgemental. I wish I knew how much of his hatred, isolation and mean spirit was from the drinking and possible post traumatic stress and how much is from changes in him.
I can say that despite our struggles, I am thankful for a roof over my head, a good job. I am most thankful for two amazing children that have grown into fine young people. I am truly appreciative of the wealth of friends that I have who have surrounded me with support, love, friendship and an ear to talk to.
Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother (sister)is born for a time of adversity.
Each of my four friends have been their in my adversity this year and continue to be. I am truly blessed. There is no gift, no item, no money that could make the difference in my life that my friends have made in mine. I continue to pray that God will soften my husband's heart and help me to be a witness to him. I pray that God will heal his heart, heal his addiction and mend the pain that it causes for me and my children. I pray that God also supports, strengthens and protects my family and my friends as we move into 2012.
I pray that God blesses my friends and my children and that he would bless my husband with health.
Seeking Peace, Joy, Hope and Love today and next year.
God bless,
I can say that despite our struggles, I am thankful for a roof over my head, a good job. I am most thankful for two amazing children that have grown into fine young people. I am truly appreciative of the wealth of friends that I have who have surrounded me with support, love, friendship and an ear to talk to.
Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother (sister)is born for a time of adversity.
Each of my four friends have been their in my adversity this year and continue to be. I am truly blessed. There is no gift, no item, no money that could make the difference in my life that my friends have made in mine. I continue to pray that God will soften my husband's heart and help me to be a witness to him. I pray that God will heal his heart, heal his addiction and mend the pain that it causes for me and my children. I pray that God also supports, strengthens and protects my family and my friends as we move into 2012.
I pray that God blesses my friends and my children and that he would bless my husband with health.
Seeking Peace, Joy, Hope and Love today and next year.
God bless,
Sunday, 18 December 2011
Anticipation, Apprehension and Anxiety
I thought there might have been a break through, though perhaps not a pleasant arrival at it for him. A funeral of a colleagues spouse prompted a tearful breakdown and the confirmation that on the loss of his parent, he had never cried. It is now more than four years and the thought of this parent brings him to the edge of his emotions.
It was strange that such a loss of control of his emotions could happen and that he continues to deny having a problem. I broached the fact that he had not cried and that maybe he should speak with someone and he thows back at me because I don't care to listen. I am also the cause of the problems, he says. I didn't bite at the barbs, but affirmed that maybe someone with a different perspective might be helpful. I just don't now if he was sober enough to really acknowledge that the conversation too place.
It is discouraging that everything is walking on eggshells in order not to offend or upset him and we still manage to. The suggestion was that we not have a tree. I so want to have friends over for Christmas and he doesn't seem intersted at all. Why do things have to be so difficult. Why does he close himself off from the world. He doesn't seem to have any friends anymore and he has no interest in opportunities to associate with others.
All I want for Christmas is my husband back, but I am not looking forward to spending some of that time together. How can things be so conflicting? How can the joy of the season almost be upon us, yet, the fear of the unknown behaviors is inhibiting me from jumping in with both feet.
Why do I fear upsetting him? Why do I fear asking? Why can I not feel free to invite people into my home with fear of sulking, resentment or chance of poor behavior? Why do I feel so disjointed?
Other than to carry the Christmas tree in, I don't know the last time that he has actually made an effort to help decorate it with us. It has been left up to the kids and I to decorate. Why is that? What prevents him from making a family time of it? I don't understand and then he complains when the kids don't remember to tell him something, but he is missing out on so much.
Perhaps I should have called this "conflicted and confused", but it seems to be the unknown that is challenging me at the moment.
I am trying to be understanding, and patient and supportive, but I am resenting that I don't feel the love, respect and caring that should be there and am tiring of the lack of the two way street that should be existing.
Praying for patience, strength, understanding and wisdom.
It was strange that such a loss of control of his emotions could happen and that he continues to deny having a problem. I broached the fact that he had not cried and that maybe he should speak with someone and he thows back at me because I don't care to listen. I am also the cause of the problems, he says. I didn't bite at the barbs, but affirmed that maybe someone with a different perspective might be helpful. I just don't now if he was sober enough to really acknowledge that the conversation too place.
It is discouraging that everything is walking on eggshells in order not to offend or upset him and we still manage to. The suggestion was that we not have a tree. I so want to have friends over for Christmas and he doesn't seem intersted at all. Why do things have to be so difficult. Why does he close himself off from the world. He doesn't seem to have any friends anymore and he has no interest in opportunities to associate with others.
All I want for Christmas is my husband back, but I am not looking forward to spending some of that time together. How can things be so conflicting? How can the joy of the season almost be upon us, yet, the fear of the unknown behaviors is inhibiting me from jumping in with both feet.
Why do I fear upsetting him? Why do I fear asking? Why can I not feel free to invite people into my home with fear of sulking, resentment or chance of poor behavior? Why do I feel so disjointed?
Other than to carry the Christmas tree in, I don't know the last time that he has actually made an effort to help decorate it with us. It has been left up to the kids and I to decorate. Why is that? What prevents him from making a family time of it? I don't understand and then he complains when the kids don't remember to tell him something, but he is missing out on so much.
Perhaps I should have called this "conflicted and confused", but it seems to be the unknown that is challenging me at the moment.
I am trying to be understanding, and patient and supportive, but I am resenting that I don't feel the love, respect and caring that should be there and am tiring of the lack of the two way street that should be existing.
Praying for patience, strength, understanding and wisdom.
Monday, 12 December 2011
Confusion
It is to the point now that I wonder if i am going crazy sometimes. There are things I have told him like the need for the car due to a rescheduled night class, the business of the week due to two classes, driver training for one child and band concert etc. Then he is frustrated that he has to pick up our son at the drivers course and plays insulted that he wasn't invited to the band concert before the day of???
When I married this man, he wanted to play football with our children and do stuff. I am not sure that he has thrown a football with our son in recent memory. I get so frustrated over the things that he seems to be forgetting. I try to remember to email them into his calendar, but do I really need to put every detail in for him?
It isn't just disappointing for me. I am sure that our son would have appreciated Dad being at his last Grade 12 Christmas concert or our daughter would appreciate if he came to church to hear her sing instead of having an unexpected drunken sob fit while she was practicing the guitar and then swearing at us that we don't remember his mother while he walks away.
The drinking pattern seemed to be changing and now I just don't get my hopes up. If he is sober one evening, great. I thought I had the courage to say something this weekend, but I wimped out.
How dare he comment that he is disappointed with how late I came to bed. I was working on my essay for my night class. How many times have I tried to wake him at 10 pm to no avail and he stumbles into our room at 2 or 3 in the morning and clumsily and noisily coming to bed.
I know that I have to raise the issue, but why do I feel so isolated? Who could I get to help me with this? The kids are even beginning to question why I don't say anything to him. I think my daughter thinks I should leave, but I don't think that is the answer.
I try to give lots of heads up when something is happening, but it doesn't seem to help. I guess I will just keep telling him and hope that he remembers the important stuff, but am beginning to believe that he just happens to select what he wants to remember or he is drinking more than I think he is.
None of this seems clear after trying to write an essay until this time of night. Hoping that there is a chance to actually discuss things with out putting him on the defence over the holidays. Well time for sleep.
Good night and pray for God's wisdom, race and understanding for all those living with alcoholism
God bless.
When I married this man, he wanted to play football with our children and do stuff. I am not sure that he has thrown a football with our son in recent memory. I get so frustrated over the things that he seems to be forgetting. I try to remember to email them into his calendar, but do I really need to put every detail in for him?
It isn't just disappointing for me. I am sure that our son would have appreciated Dad being at his last Grade 12 Christmas concert or our daughter would appreciate if he came to church to hear her sing instead of having an unexpected drunken sob fit while she was practicing the guitar and then swearing at us that we don't remember his mother while he walks away.
The drinking pattern seemed to be changing and now I just don't get my hopes up. If he is sober one evening, great. I thought I had the courage to say something this weekend, but I wimped out.
How dare he comment that he is disappointed with how late I came to bed. I was working on my essay for my night class. How many times have I tried to wake him at 10 pm to no avail and he stumbles into our room at 2 or 3 in the morning and clumsily and noisily coming to bed.
I know that I have to raise the issue, but why do I feel so isolated? Who could I get to help me with this? The kids are even beginning to question why I don't say anything to him. I think my daughter thinks I should leave, but I don't think that is the answer.
I try to give lots of heads up when something is happening, but it doesn't seem to help. I guess I will just keep telling him and hope that he remembers the important stuff, but am beginning to believe that he just happens to select what he wants to remember or he is drinking more than I think he is.
None of this seems clear after trying to write an essay until this time of night. Hoping that there is a chance to actually discuss things with out putting him on the defence over the holidays. Well time for sleep.
Good night and pray for God's wisdom, race and understanding for all those living with alcoholism
God bless.
Wednesday, 30 November 2011
Blessings
God has provided where and when I have needed the most. I have a home, a job, great kids a crazy dog. Live in a decent neighbourhood and I do have my health. Though I am struggling in my marriage at the moment, I have amazing people who offer their ear, their shoulder, their guidance and sometimes even their hugs. They care, support, listen and coach. I cannot truly thank God for putting them in my life and strategically connecting us when I have so needed their friendship.
I have many friends and truly do not dislike many people. I guess I am just a people person, but I am careful about who I let closest to me so the true friends I have are those "true blue" ones.
Whether I am late, undecided or just don't feel like talking, there are three particular women who are pillars for me. One has known me all my life who I admire and love her like a mother. One has been a friend for a long time and the other has become part of my life in recent year. All amazing Christian women of faith that I am truly thankful that God has blessed me with. The three of them truly define soulmates!
God truly has blessed me with my friends, with putting resources around me so that I can seek help. Now to master the courage, the confidence and the love to have that conversation that needs to be had that I fear will be heart breaking. Praying for strength, understanding, guidance, love, compassion and forgiveness.
I so appreciate that God has placed these people in my life. They show me that He is really here. I need to thank God more often for all that he does to surround me and never take these friends for granted.
I do believe that God is with me. I just need to pray that God will take over my moments of unbelief in myself. Thank you Lord for all that you provide for me and show me the path you would have me take.
God bless.
I have many friends and truly do not dislike many people. I guess I am just a people person, but I am careful about who I let closest to me so the true friends I have are those "true blue" ones.
Whether I am late, undecided or just don't feel like talking, there are three particular women who are pillars for me. One has known me all my life who I admire and love her like a mother. One has been a friend for a long time and the other has become part of my life in recent year. All amazing Christian women of faith that I am truly thankful that God has blessed me with. The three of them truly define soulmates!
God truly has blessed me with my friends, with putting resources around me so that I can seek help. Now to master the courage, the confidence and the love to have that conversation that needs to be had that I fear will be heart breaking. Praying for strength, understanding, guidance, love, compassion and forgiveness.
I so appreciate that God has placed these people in my life. They show me that He is really here. I need to thank God more often for all that he does to surround me and never take these friends for granted.
I do believe that God is with me. I just need to pray that God will take over my moments of unbelief in myself. Thank you Lord for all that you provide for me and show me the path you would have me take.
God bless.
Sunday, 27 November 2011
Stress
What are the stressors? Which one's have I imposed on myself? Which ones are imposed by others?
It it hard not to feel sorry for myself and even harder if I think about all that I have to be thankful for. including two wonderful kids that are pretty amazing that I really love. A husband who loves me, but is struggling with alcohol. A great career and wonderful jobs throughout. A great boss, a good house to call home. A God who looks after me through thick and thin.
So the stress in life. Stress can be good and bad. I have chosen the challenges of returning to school, to my second job, I chose my roles in my church involvement. All are conscious decisions I made for myself.
Being a wife, a mother and friend are also choices I made to care, listen, love and risk heartbreak. I have chosen to work hard and have learned that this has resulted in compromises in other areas of my life and am learning to accept some of that, perhaps too slowly.
What I didn't expect is a husband who drinks, a daughter who seems to be caught up in a web of lies or living some sort of denial and a son who is too quick to give up on himself? I didn't expect my husband to be issuing an ultimatum that is basically him or my daughter. I didn't expect my daughter to throw in my face that I am doing nothing about my husband.
My son has so much talent, but at the first sign of struggle he seems to give up and decides not to work at it. My daughter has so much potential and she is letting everything else in the world cloud away her dreams. My husband is a demonstrated leader and hard worker and I see it all withering away in the bottle along with his relationships with both me and the kids. How can so much seem to be going wrong all at one?
I have been fighting so hard to keep my family together that it feels like it is for nothing. I wonder if his statement on Thursday, the indication that one less person would be in this house by next week meant that I should leave?
My daughter, now legally an adult, is allowing significant things to lapse in her life: school, overdue pay, drivers license, paying school loans and deciding on her future. She expects to be treated like an adult and yet is in denial about all of this. My husband doesn't seem to care that his drinking has any impact on the family and as hard as it is to accept that alcholism is an illness, the heart has a hard time accepting the behaviour and the words.
The stress of all of this is wearing very thin right now. I am struggling to do my school paper. I am not achieving at work what I should be. I am avoiding confronting my husband on his drinking and I don't know if I am able to do any of this.
The risk of confronting him is as scary as thinking about living like this for much longer. Either way, saying something is going to hurt as much as not saying anything. It is too painful, but makes me wonder what is so painful in his life that is driving him to drink like this?
I need strength and wisdom and understanding and I do know that God has been here all along, but I am struggling to see the way clear on how to handle this. I am doubting my own motivation.
I need prayer to hear God in all of this stress and to actually quiet my heart and mind to be able to hear him through the sorrow and pain that is clouding everything else. I need God to look after each member of my family and to heal our hearts and what ever is causing all of this to happen. I need God's help to know when and how to challenge the drinking, to know what to say to motivate my daughter and my son in their futures. I need prayer for strength, wisdom, grace and love to work this out in what is potentially stepping into a hornets nest.
The churning inside me never stops; days of suffering confront me." (Job 30:27).
A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out. (Matthew 12:20).
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27
Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; Who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; Who satisfieth thy soul with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's." Psalm 103:1-5
It it hard not to feel sorry for myself and even harder if I think about all that I have to be thankful for. including two wonderful kids that are pretty amazing that I really love. A husband who loves me, but is struggling with alcohol. A great career and wonderful jobs throughout. A great boss, a good house to call home. A God who looks after me through thick and thin.
So the stress in life. Stress can be good and bad. I have chosen the challenges of returning to school, to my second job, I chose my roles in my church involvement. All are conscious decisions I made for myself.
Being a wife, a mother and friend are also choices I made to care, listen, love and risk heartbreak. I have chosen to work hard and have learned that this has resulted in compromises in other areas of my life and am learning to accept some of that, perhaps too slowly.
What I didn't expect is a husband who drinks, a daughter who seems to be caught up in a web of lies or living some sort of denial and a son who is too quick to give up on himself? I didn't expect my husband to be issuing an ultimatum that is basically him or my daughter. I didn't expect my daughter to throw in my face that I am doing nothing about my husband.
My son has so much talent, but at the first sign of struggle he seems to give up and decides not to work at it. My daughter has so much potential and she is letting everything else in the world cloud away her dreams. My husband is a demonstrated leader and hard worker and I see it all withering away in the bottle along with his relationships with both me and the kids. How can so much seem to be going wrong all at one?
I have been fighting so hard to keep my family together that it feels like it is for nothing. I wonder if his statement on Thursday, the indication that one less person would be in this house by next week meant that I should leave?
My daughter, now legally an adult, is allowing significant things to lapse in her life: school, overdue pay, drivers license, paying school loans and deciding on her future. She expects to be treated like an adult and yet is in denial about all of this. My husband doesn't seem to care that his drinking has any impact on the family and as hard as it is to accept that alcholism is an illness, the heart has a hard time accepting the behaviour and the words.
The stress of all of this is wearing very thin right now. I am struggling to do my school paper. I am not achieving at work what I should be. I am avoiding confronting my husband on his drinking and I don't know if I am able to do any of this.
The risk of confronting him is as scary as thinking about living like this for much longer. Either way, saying something is going to hurt as much as not saying anything. It is too painful, but makes me wonder what is so painful in his life that is driving him to drink like this?
I need strength and wisdom and understanding and I do know that God has been here all along, but I am struggling to see the way clear on how to handle this. I am doubting my own motivation.
I need prayer to hear God in all of this stress and to actually quiet my heart and mind to be able to hear him through the sorrow and pain that is clouding everything else. I need God to look after each member of my family and to heal our hearts and what ever is causing all of this to happen. I need God's help to know when and how to challenge the drinking, to know what to say to motivate my daughter and my son in their futures. I need prayer for strength, wisdom, grace and love to work this out in what is potentially stepping into a hornets nest.
The churning inside me never stops; days of suffering confront me." (Job 30:27).
A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out. (Matthew 12:20).
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27
Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; Who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; Who satisfieth thy soul with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's." Psalm 103:1-5
Saturday, 19 November 2011
Torn
An amazing occurrence in that God spoke to me through others. It is okay to seek help, be it through conselling, prayer, reading His word or surrounding yourself with Christian friends. It is not okay to leave unresolved disappointments in the way.
There will be times when we are praying for God to deliver us from a difficult situations, such as take this alcoholism away from my husband when perhaps we should be asking Him to strengthen and comfort us through it so that we may be a witness for Him.
The second is not my expectation, but it may be the path that God has in mind for now. In the mean time, I have sought prayer. Lots of it from trusted people. I have met for the first time with a counsellor.
But I haven't yet spoken to my husband about what an impact his drinking is having on our family. Why is this so difficult? Why am I fearful? Why am I procrastinating? I do not like the discomfort of living like this. I do not want peoples' sympathy. I want to move on with our lives in a more positive direction of respect, love and caring. Why is talking to him about this feeling risky? Why is it a stumbling block? How can I get over this hurdle? How do I set aside my fear and step up?
How do I pull on the "comfort and strength" of God and when do I know that it is the right time? I know the impact that it is having on our family. I know how hurtful, spiteful, hateful it can be to raise an issue or even just inadvertantly be mis-interpretted. How do I take the next step? Where is my faith? Take my unbelief and make it into belief that You can fix this and that You will give me the strength, the words and the compassion to do this.
Prayers appreciated.
God bless
There will be times when we are praying for God to deliver us from a difficult situations, such as take this alcoholism away from my husband when perhaps we should be asking Him to strengthen and comfort us through it so that we may be a witness for Him.
The second is not my expectation, but it may be the path that God has in mind for now. In the mean time, I have sought prayer. Lots of it from trusted people. I have met for the first time with a counsellor.
But I haven't yet spoken to my husband about what an impact his drinking is having on our family. Why is this so difficult? Why am I fearful? Why am I procrastinating? I do not like the discomfort of living like this. I do not want peoples' sympathy. I want to move on with our lives in a more positive direction of respect, love and caring. Why is talking to him about this feeling risky? Why is it a stumbling block? How can I get over this hurdle? How do I set aside my fear and step up?
How do I pull on the "comfort and strength" of God and when do I know that it is the right time? I know the impact that it is having on our family. I know how hurtful, spiteful, hateful it can be to raise an issue or even just inadvertantly be mis-interpretted. How do I take the next step? Where is my faith? Take my unbelief and make it into belief that You can fix this and that You will give me the strength, the words and the compassion to do this.
Prayers appreciated.
God bless
Monday, 7 November 2011
Exasperation
My daughter is a great kid. Okay, no longer a kid at her age, but not far off. She used to have her head on straight. I don't know how much of what she is doing relates to the fear she must have of my husband's drunken anger, or fear of disappointing us, but it really just doesn't make sense.
She spent weeks lying to us, pretending to be going to university. Then she has procrastinated on things that only she can do and that affect her in the end. I don't get it. She is usually an amazing Christian woman! I adore her talents and abilities to deal with children and people. She is charismatic, genuine and caring and is walking down a path where everyone else but her is coming first.
Praying that God will guide her on the right path and watch over her. It is hard to let her make her own mistakes, but it is going to have to be the way it is. I don't like tough love. Don't I have enough to deal with without having to worry about her? What am I missing? Praying so hard not to be anxious...
Philippians 4: 6 - 7.
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
God bless,
She spent weeks lying to us, pretending to be going to university. Then she has procrastinated on things that only she can do and that affect her in the end. I don't get it. She is usually an amazing Christian woman! I adore her talents and abilities to deal with children and people. She is charismatic, genuine and caring and is walking down a path where everyone else but her is coming first.
Praying that God will guide her on the right path and watch over her. It is hard to let her make her own mistakes, but it is going to have to be the way it is. I don't like tough love. Don't I have enough to deal with without having to worry about her? What am I missing? Praying so hard not to be anxious...
Philippians 4: 6 - 7.
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
God bless,
Sunday, 6 November 2011
Who am I?
First, I am new to this and invite you to grow with me.
I am a Christian who is far from perfect.
I am a wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, working woman and truly blessed to be connected in these roles.
I also have stuggles as do many. I struggle with a spouse who has become an alcoholic. I struggle raising two kids in Christian faith in a home where an alcoholic who seems to have turned his back on faith lives. I struggle with my own faults of being a workaholic, a person who fails to say "no" to others often enough and realizing that I may use the other two to avoid the first problem.
I believe that God has blessed me with all that I have including my family, my home, my job, my freedoms, my friends, my church family and opportunities to volunteer in His church. I grew up in a Christian family on a dairy farm which gave me a strong work ethic and an appreciation for the nature and the world around me. I grew up with wonderful Christian friends in high school which laid a foundation for the rest of my life despite times when I didn't follow God as I should, He has always been there.
I live with doubts around my relationship with my husband who I do love and do struggle separating the illness of alcoholism and possibly post-traumatic stress, from the behaviours and resulting emotions which I really hate. Don't get me wrong, I do not believe that I should be walking out on him, but the influence of alcohol to enable hime to deliver vicious verbal barbs can be heart-breaking to deal with.
I am not an expert. I have attended one Alanon meeting and was disappointed with the sharing of decades of living with an alcoholic and the statement "that your higher being could be a blade of grass or the wind in the trees". I have taken a step to seek help through employee assistance and will see how this goes. I have done a fair bit of reading over the last year, but will still continue to struggle with understanding the tie alcohol has on my husband.
God has lead me through rewarding jobs, provided me with great bosses and a successful career. I have great memories with my spouse and for the most part he is a good man when he is sober, provides for us and is a good father. My two kids, who are wonderful in their own ways, also test my desire to be in control, allowing me to earn my white hairs that seem to multiply on their own.
I know that without God in my life, I do not believe that I would have a marriage and family that I have now. Without God in my life, I would not have the strength of spirit that I have, nor the support of the friends that I have. Without God, I would not have the opportunity to be building my faith through working with our youth. Without God, I don't think I would admit or realize that there are others who are far worse off than I am. I see only this past year, friends and relatives who have suffered through a spouse leaving. I pray that God will continue to provide me the strength, stamina, support and love that I need to see our marriage through this.
Who am I? I am not perfect, but I am forgiven. I worry too much, but God looks after me. I do not have all the answers, but God does in His time.
Matthew 6: 25-27
25 Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?
God bless.
I am a Christian who is far from perfect.
I am a wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, working woman and truly blessed to be connected in these roles.
I also have stuggles as do many. I struggle with a spouse who has become an alcoholic. I struggle raising two kids in Christian faith in a home where an alcoholic who seems to have turned his back on faith lives. I struggle with my own faults of being a workaholic, a person who fails to say "no" to others often enough and realizing that I may use the other two to avoid the first problem.
I believe that God has blessed me with all that I have including my family, my home, my job, my freedoms, my friends, my church family and opportunities to volunteer in His church. I grew up in a Christian family on a dairy farm which gave me a strong work ethic and an appreciation for the nature and the world around me. I grew up with wonderful Christian friends in high school which laid a foundation for the rest of my life despite times when I didn't follow God as I should, He has always been there.
I live with doubts around my relationship with my husband who I do love and do struggle separating the illness of alcoholism and possibly post-traumatic stress, from the behaviours and resulting emotions which I really hate. Don't get me wrong, I do not believe that I should be walking out on him, but the influence of alcohol to enable hime to deliver vicious verbal barbs can be heart-breaking to deal with.
I am not an expert. I have attended one Alanon meeting and was disappointed with the sharing of decades of living with an alcoholic and the statement "that your higher being could be a blade of grass or the wind in the trees". I have taken a step to seek help through employee assistance and will see how this goes. I have done a fair bit of reading over the last year, but will still continue to struggle with understanding the tie alcohol has on my husband.
God has lead me through rewarding jobs, provided me with great bosses and a successful career. I have great memories with my spouse and for the most part he is a good man when he is sober, provides for us and is a good father. My two kids, who are wonderful in their own ways, also test my desire to be in control, allowing me to earn my white hairs that seem to multiply on their own.
I know that without God in my life, I do not believe that I would have a marriage and family that I have now. Without God in my life, I would not have the strength of spirit that I have, nor the support of the friends that I have. Without God, I would not have the opportunity to be building my faith through working with our youth. Without God, I don't think I would admit or realize that there are others who are far worse off than I am. I see only this past year, friends and relatives who have suffered through a spouse leaving. I pray that God will continue to provide me the strength, stamina, support and love that I need to see our marriage through this.
Who am I? I am not perfect, but I am forgiven. I worry too much, but God looks after me. I do not have all the answers, but God does in His time.
Matthew 6: 25-27
25 Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?
God bless.
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