Who am I?

First, I am new to this and invite you to grow with me.

I am a Christian who is far from perfect.

I am a wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, working woman and truly blessed to be connected in these roles.

I also have stuggles as do many.  I struggle with a spouse who has become an alcoholic. I struggle raising two kids in Christian faith in a home where an alcoholic who seems to have turned his back on faith lives.  I struggle with my own faults of being a workaholic, a person who fails to say "no" to others often enough and realizing that I may use the other two to avoid the first problem.

I believe that God has blessed me with all that I have including my family, my home, my job, my freedoms, my friends, my church family and opportunities to volunteer in His church.   I grew up in a Christian family on a dairy farm which gave me a strong work ethic and an appreciation for the nature and the world around me.  I grew up with wonderful Christian friends in high school which laid a foundation for the rest of my life despite times when I didn't follow God as I should, He has always been there.

I live with doubts around my relationship with my husband who I do love and do struggle separating the illness of alcoholism and possibly post-traumatic stress, from the behaviours and resulting emotions  which I really hate.  Don't get me wrong, I do not believe that I should be walking out on him, but the influence of alcohol to enable hime to deliver vicious verbal barbs can be heart-breaking to deal with.

I am not an expert. I have attended one Alanon meeting and was disappointed with the sharing of decades of living with an alcoholic and the statement "that your higher being could be a blade of grass or the wind in the trees".    I have taken a step to seek help through employee assistance and will see how this goes.  I have done a fair bit of reading over the last year, but will still continue to struggle with understanding the tie alcohol has on my husband.

God has lead me through rewarding jobs, provided me with great bosses and a successful career.  I have great memories with my spouse and for the most part he is a good man when he is sober, provides for us and is a good father.  My two kids, who are wonderful in their own ways, also test my desire to be in control, allowing me to earn my white hairs that seem to multiply on their own.

I know that without God in my life, I do not believe that I would have a marriage and family that I have now.  Without God in my life, I would not have the strength of spirit that I have, nor the support of the friends that I have.  Without God, I would not have the opportunity to be building my faith through working with our youth.  Without God, I don't think I would admit or realize that there are others who are far worse off than I am.  I see only this past year, friends and relatives who have suffered through a spouse leaving.    I pray that God will continue to provide me the strength, stamina, support and love that I need to see our marriage through this. 

Who am I? I am not perfect, but I am forgiven.  I worry too much, but God looks after me.  I do not have all the answers, but God does in His time.

Matthew 6: 25-27
²⁵ Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[e]?

God bless.