I thought there might have been a break through, though perhaps not a pleasant arrival at it for him. A funeral of a colleagues spouse prompted a tearful breakdown and the confirmation that on the loss of his parent, he had never cried. It is now more than four years and the thought of this parent brings him to the edge of his emotions.
It was strange that such a loss of control of his emotions could happen and that he continues to deny having a problem. I broached the fact that he had not cried and that maybe he should speak with someone and he thows back at me because I don't care to listen. I am also the cause of the problems, he says. I didn't bite at the barbs, but affirmed that maybe someone with a different perspective might be helpful. I just don't now if he was sober enough to really acknowledge that the conversation too place.
It is discouraging that everything is walking on eggshells in order not to offend or upset him and we still manage to. The suggestion was that we not have a tree. I so want to have friends over for Christmas and he doesn't seem intersted at all. Why do things have to be so difficult. Why does he close himself off from the world. He doesn't seem to have any friends anymore and he has no interest in opportunities to associate with others.
All I want for Christmas is my husband back, but I am not looking forward to spending some of that time together. How can things be so conflicting? How can the joy of the season almost be upon us, yet, the fear of the unknown behaviors is inhibiting me from jumping in with both feet.
Why do I fear upsetting him? Why do I fear asking? Why can I not feel free to invite people into my home with fear of sulking, resentment or chance of poor behavior? Why do I feel so disjointed?
Other than to carry the Christmas tree in, I don't know the last time that he has actually made an effort to help decorate it with us. It has been left up to the kids and I to decorate. Why is that? What prevents him from making a family time of it? I don't understand and then he complains when the kids don't remember to tell him something, but he is missing out on so much.
Perhaps I should have called this "conflicted and confused", but it seems to be the unknown that is challenging me at the moment.
I am trying to be understanding, and patient and supportive, but I am resenting that I don't feel the love, respect and caring that should be there and am tiring of the lack of the two way street that should be existing.
Praying for patience, strength, understanding and wisdom.
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