Hope is saying something about the impact of the drinking and not having it completely denied. Hope is every additional moment sober even if it is because gaming is the distraction. Hope is the conversations that are had each morning where no alcohol has yet been consumed. Hope is the glimpse of the real person I married once.
Hope is the family time we are able to enjoy because being deeply under the influence is not happening tonight. Hope is knowing that there will likely not be any snide comments, barbed criticisms, and less chance for hurt feelings.
Hope is knowing God is here, whether my spouse is sober or not. Hope is knowing someday, in His time, God will use this experience. Hope is knowing that the kids get to see their parent in a different light than they have recently.
Hope is that God will continue to heal my heart, protect my family and soften my spouse's heart.
Hope is that Jesus was born and died for each of us including my spouse. Now hoping that that message becomes evident.
Hope!
Thursday, 29 December 2011
Wednesday, 28 December 2011
Negativity, Control and Hate?
How can he be so hateful towards someone? How can he decide who can come into our home? Why can he decree that I cannot have friends in my own home? My friends have never done anything to him. He is offended by little boys who are just little boys? He acts like the pouting child more than they do? Why does he deteriorate into such a negative person? I am working on Christmas cards and he asks me while I am in the middle of writing one if we can go to a movie this week. I simply say "umhmm" in the affirmative as I am in the middle of a thought and he gets angry and swears?
Why doesn't he see how hurtful he is when he drinks? I kept something from him the other day because he had been drinking and I thought he was in a foul mood. He was then angry with me the next day for keeping it from him. Then he is angry that I didn't know about a charge on our child's credit card? I didn't look at the bill and I deserve anger? How can I do so much wrong in his eyes? I wonder why my confidence takes such a beating and find that the more time I spend with him, the less loving he is not just towards me but towards everyone!
He seems to enjoy being spiteful, hateful, judgemental and thrives on making sure everyone else knows how sour he seems to be feeling. Why does alcohol do this? Why can't he see that betrayal of our relationship and the relationship with his children is taking place? It is evident that the kids would prefer to be almost anywhere else but here when he is drinking and he doesn't get it!
I pray for the softening of his heart. I pray that he becomes willing to seek help and speak with someone. I pray that I can be fearlessly honest with him and that I can be more understanding. Where I am having difficulty being understanding that I can be compassionate and that I can be more in tuned to what might be offencive. I also pray for the courage to challenge him where I need to and wisdom to discern when to challenge and when to be compassionate. I wish I could understand better what my role is to be if he remains in denial and won't admit there is a problem.
I wish my heart didn't hurt so much. I know that God gives me strength and i know he is with me, but I need Him to shore up my faith to mend my heart and help me to forgive the barbs and negative comments.
Praying for hope, healing, faith and strength.
Why doesn't he see how hurtful he is when he drinks? I kept something from him the other day because he had been drinking and I thought he was in a foul mood. He was then angry with me the next day for keeping it from him. Then he is angry that I didn't know about a charge on our child's credit card? I didn't look at the bill and I deserve anger? How can I do so much wrong in his eyes? I wonder why my confidence takes such a beating and find that the more time I spend with him, the less loving he is not just towards me but towards everyone!
He seems to enjoy being spiteful, hateful, judgemental and thrives on making sure everyone else knows how sour he seems to be feeling. Why does alcohol do this? Why can't he see that betrayal of our relationship and the relationship with his children is taking place? It is evident that the kids would prefer to be almost anywhere else but here when he is drinking and he doesn't get it!
I pray for the softening of his heart. I pray that he becomes willing to seek help and speak with someone. I pray that I can be fearlessly honest with him and that I can be more understanding. Where I am having difficulty being understanding that I can be compassionate and that I can be more in tuned to what might be offencive. I also pray for the courage to challenge him where I need to and wisdom to discern when to challenge and when to be compassionate. I wish I could understand better what my role is to be if he remains in denial and won't admit there is a problem.
I wish my heart didn't hurt so much. I know that God gives me strength and i know he is with me, but I need Him to shore up my faith to mend my heart and help me to forgive the barbs and negative comments.
Praying for hope, healing, faith and strength.
Saturday, 24 December 2011
Disappointment
He said he would go to church. I prayed that he would. Praying that his heart will be softened. Prayed that something in the service would reach him...
He has a cold or the flu. Not well enough to go to church. How can he be reached if he doesn't go to church? What happens. It is hard to persevere when he keeps on either turning down the invitation or just not going. We cannot bring him to God on our own. He needs God's family around him.
Anxious that an opportunity has been lost. Wonder at the prospects of inviting him for New Years. Well, gotta go stuff some stockings. Kids are finally in bed!
"Our hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight"
God bless.
He has a cold or the flu. Not well enough to go to church. How can he be reached if he doesn't go to church? What happens. It is hard to persevere when he keeps on either turning down the invitation or just not going. We cannot bring him to God on our own. He needs God's family around him.
Anxious that an opportunity has been lost. Wonder at the prospects of inviting him for New Years. Well, gotta go stuff some stockings. Kids are finally in bed!
"Our hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight"
God bless.
Friday, 23 December 2011
Blessings
I may feel sorry for myself from time to time. I wish my spouse walked with me not only as my husband, but as a brother in Christ. I wish that he didn't drink to the extent that he does.I wish that he didn't swear. I wish that he wanted to be more engaged in the kids lives and their activities. I wish that we had a better friendship like we once did. I wish that he would be more friendly and less judgemental. I wish I knew how much of his hatred, isolation and mean spirit was from the drinking and possible post traumatic stress and how much is from changes in him.
I can say that despite our struggles, I am thankful for a roof over my head, a good job. I am most thankful for two amazing children that have grown into fine young people. I am truly appreciative of the wealth of friends that I have who have surrounded me with support, love, friendship and an ear to talk to.
Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother (sister)is born for a time of adversity.
Each of my four friends have been their in my adversity this year and continue to be. I am truly blessed. There is no gift, no item, no money that could make the difference in my life that my friends have made in mine. I continue to pray that God will soften my husband's heart and help me to be a witness to him. I pray that God will heal his heart, heal his addiction and mend the pain that it causes for me and my children. I pray that God also supports, strengthens and protects my family and my friends as we move into 2012.
I pray that God blesses my friends and my children and that he would bless my husband with health.
Seeking Peace, Joy, Hope and Love today and next year.
God bless,
I can say that despite our struggles, I am thankful for a roof over my head, a good job. I am most thankful for two amazing children that have grown into fine young people. I am truly appreciative of the wealth of friends that I have who have surrounded me with support, love, friendship and an ear to talk to.
Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother (sister)is born for a time of adversity.
Each of my four friends have been their in my adversity this year and continue to be. I am truly blessed. There is no gift, no item, no money that could make the difference in my life that my friends have made in mine. I continue to pray that God will soften my husband's heart and help me to be a witness to him. I pray that God will heal his heart, heal his addiction and mend the pain that it causes for me and my children. I pray that God also supports, strengthens and protects my family and my friends as we move into 2012.
I pray that God blesses my friends and my children and that he would bless my husband with health.
Seeking Peace, Joy, Hope and Love today and next year.
God bless,
Sunday, 18 December 2011
Anticipation, Apprehension and Anxiety
I thought there might have been a break through, though perhaps not a pleasant arrival at it for him. A funeral of a colleagues spouse prompted a tearful breakdown and the confirmation that on the loss of his parent, he had never cried. It is now more than four years and the thought of this parent brings him to the edge of his emotions.
It was strange that such a loss of control of his emotions could happen and that he continues to deny having a problem. I broached the fact that he had not cried and that maybe he should speak with someone and he thows back at me because I don't care to listen. I am also the cause of the problems, he says. I didn't bite at the barbs, but affirmed that maybe someone with a different perspective might be helpful. I just don't now if he was sober enough to really acknowledge that the conversation too place.
It is discouraging that everything is walking on eggshells in order not to offend or upset him and we still manage to. The suggestion was that we not have a tree. I so want to have friends over for Christmas and he doesn't seem intersted at all. Why do things have to be so difficult. Why does he close himself off from the world. He doesn't seem to have any friends anymore and he has no interest in opportunities to associate with others.
All I want for Christmas is my husband back, but I am not looking forward to spending some of that time together. How can things be so conflicting? How can the joy of the season almost be upon us, yet, the fear of the unknown behaviors is inhibiting me from jumping in with both feet.
Why do I fear upsetting him? Why do I fear asking? Why can I not feel free to invite people into my home with fear of sulking, resentment or chance of poor behavior? Why do I feel so disjointed?
Other than to carry the Christmas tree in, I don't know the last time that he has actually made an effort to help decorate it with us. It has been left up to the kids and I to decorate. Why is that? What prevents him from making a family time of it? I don't understand and then he complains when the kids don't remember to tell him something, but he is missing out on so much.
Perhaps I should have called this "conflicted and confused", but it seems to be the unknown that is challenging me at the moment.
I am trying to be understanding, and patient and supportive, but I am resenting that I don't feel the love, respect and caring that should be there and am tiring of the lack of the two way street that should be existing.
Praying for patience, strength, understanding and wisdom.
It was strange that such a loss of control of his emotions could happen and that he continues to deny having a problem. I broached the fact that he had not cried and that maybe he should speak with someone and he thows back at me because I don't care to listen. I am also the cause of the problems, he says. I didn't bite at the barbs, but affirmed that maybe someone with a different perspective might be helpful. I just don't now if he was sober enough to really acknowledge that the conversation too place.
It is discouraging that everything is walking on eggshells in order not to offend or upset him and we still manage to. The suggestion was that we not have a tree. I so want to have friends over for Christmas and he doesn't seem intersted at all. Why do things have to be so difficult. Why does he close himself off from the world. He doesn't seem to have any friends anymore and he has no interest in opportunities to associate with others.
All I want for Christmas is my husband back, but I am not looking forward to spending some of that time together. How can things be so conflicting? How can the joy of the season almost be upon us, yet, the fear of the unknown behaviors is inhibiting me from jumping in with both feet.
Why do I fear upsetting him? Why do I fear asking? Why can I not feel free to invite people into my home with fear of sulking, resentment or chance of poor behavior? Why do I feel so disjointed?
Other than to carry the Christmas tree in, I don't know the last time that he has actually made an effort to help decorate it with us. It has been left up to the kids and I to decorate. Why is that? What prevents him from making a family time of it? I don't understand and then he complains when the kids don't remember to tell him something, but he is missing out on so much.
Perhaps I should have called this "conflicted and confused", but it seems to be the unknown that is challenging me at the moment.
I am trying to be understanding, and patient and supportive, but I am resenting that I don't feel the love, respect and caring that should be there and am tiring of the lack of the two way street that should be existing.
Praying for patience, strength, understanding and wisdom.
Monday, 12 December 2011
Confusion
It is to the point now that I wonder if i am going crazy sometimes. There are things I have told him like the need for the car due to a rescheduled night class, the business of the week due to two classes, driver training for one child and band concert etc. Then he is frustrated that he has to pick up our son at the drivers course and plays insulted that he wasn't invited to the band concert before the day of???
When I married this man, he wanted to play football with our children and do stuff. I am not sure that he has thrown a football with our son in recent memory. I get so frustrated over the things that he seems to be forgetting. I try to remember to email them into his calendar, but do I really need to put every detail in for him?
It isn't just disappointing for me. I am sure that our son would have appreciated Dad being at his last Grade 12 Christmas concert or our daughter would appreciate if he came to church to hear her sing instead of having an unexpected drunken sob fit while she was practicing the guitar and then swearing at us that we don't remember his mother while he walks away.
The drinking pattern seemed to be changing and now I just don't get my hopes up. If he is sober one evening, great. I thought I had the courage to say something this weekend, but I wimped out.
How dare he comment that he is disappointed with how late I came to bed. I was working on my essay for my night class. How many times have I tried to wake him at 10 pm to no avail and he stumbles into our room at 2 or 3 in the morning and clumsily and noisily coming to bed.
I know that I have to raise the issue, but why do I feel so isolated? Who could I get to help me with this? The kids are even beginning to question why I don't say anything to him. I think my daughter thinks I should leave, but I don't think that is the answer.
I try to give lots of heads up when something is happening, but it doesn't seem to help. I guess I will just keep telling him and hope that he remembers the important stuff, but am beginning to believe that he just happens to select what he wants to remember or he is drinking more than I think he is.
None of this seems clear after trying to write an essay until this time of night. Hoping that there is a chance to actually discuss things with out putting him on the defence over the holidays. Well time for sleep.
Good night and pray for God's wisdom, race and understanding for all those living with alcoholism
God bless.
When I married this man, he wanted to play football with our children and do stuff. I am not sure that he has thrown a football with our son in recent memory. I get so frustrated over the things that he seems to be forgetting. I try to remember to email them into his calendar, but do I really need to put every detail in for him?
It isn't just disappointing for me. I am sure that our son would have appreciated Dad being at his last Grade 12 Christmas concert or our daughter would appreciate if he came to church to hear her sing instead of having an unexpected drunken sob fit while she was practicing the guitar and then swearing at us that we don't remember his mother while he walks away.
The drinking pattern seemed to be changing and now I just don't get my hopes up. If he is sober one evening, great. I thought I had the courage to say something this weekend, but I wimped out.
How dare he comment that he is disappointed with how late I came to bed. I was working on my essay for my night class. How many times have I tried to wake him at 10 pm to no avail and he stumbles into our room at 2 or 3 in the morning and clumsily and noisily coming to bed.
I know that I have to raise the issue, but why do I feel so isolated? Who could I get to help me with this? The kids are even beginning to question why I don't say anything to him. I think my daughter thinks I should leave, but I don't think that is the answer.
I try to give lots of heads up when something is happening, but it doesn't seem to help. I guess I will just keep telling him and hope that he remembers the important stuff, but am beginning to believe that he just happens to select what he wants to remember or he is drinking more than I think he is.
None of this seems clear after trying to write an essay until this time of night. Hoping that there is a chance to actually discuss things with out putting him on the defence over the holidays. Well time for sleep.
Good night and pray for God's wisdom, race and understanding for all those living with alcoholism
God bless.
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