I was and sometimes am quite naive.
I believe the story you told me that you would go to church with me... after all, you came with me before we were married and then it stopped. I even stopped for a while.
When I returned to church, you were not interested. When there were special events at the church for the children, you rarely came. Now church is not something you do and it is something that I value.
It isn't just church though. It is the Joy of the Lord, the assurance of God, the peace of Christ, the fellowship of believers. It is knowing that despite my failures that God's grace is big enough to forgive them and that I have a hope of getting into heaven.
I don't know about you anymore. The kids volunteer at a Christian youth retreat and you tarnish it with inappropriate comments about what they did. You haven't even been to church in over a year now. You criticise and scrutinise any resources going to the church.
I have invited you to go, but you decline. I don't know what is scarier. That I no longer know what to pray for to help you open your heart or that I don't think I will see you in heaven.
Yes, despite the drinking, despite the drunken put downs, despite the diminishing insults, despite the stumbling and fumbling, I try to pray for you. I pray that your heart will be softened. I pray that your mind will be open. I pray that you might want to go to church. I pray that you wouldn't insult or criticize me or the kids. I pray that I say and do the right things. I pray that despite my growing resentment, my disappointment that we cannot share scriptures or that you don't come to church with me or that I don't have a partner in prayer that you find Jesus, but I feel I have been deceived.
What is it about church that turned you away from it? What is it about me that makes you think church is not for you? What is it that I need to pray for to let God open your heart?
I regret that I believe you would go to church. I am disappointed that you don't try and that you don't accept the invitation to go.
How do I find the grace to let that go?
Sunday, 6 March 2016
Sunday, 28 February 2016
Analogies
There are so many...
It takes time, heat and pressure for a diamond to be made.
It takes time and effort for a butterfly to emerge from its cocoon.
It takes breaking eggs, spilt milk, sifted flour and baking to get to a chocolate cake.
It this the time of pressure and difficulties? Job didn't have it easy. He had so much and then lost so much. He held on to God through everything he went through. How can I do the same.
God has provided so much that I need to focus on that and be thankful. Everything else will fall into place at one point or another, but in Gods, time. The hardest part sometimes is waiting for God's time to arrive.
It takes time, heat and pressure for a diamond to be made.
It takes time and effort for a butterfly to emerge from its cocoon.
It takes breaking eggs, spilt milk, sifted flour and baking to get to a chocolate cake.
It this the time of pressure and difficulties? Job didn't have it easy. He had so much and then lost so much. He held on to God through everything he went through. How can I do the same.
God has provided so much that I need to focus on that and be thankful. Everything else will fall into place at one point or another, but in Gods, time. The hardest part sometimes is waiting for God's time to arrive.
Saturday, 27 February 2016
Discord
How do you balance what the world says with what your vows say?
How do you take one of the only things that we commit to before God any more. To love, to honour and obey, in sickness and in health against deserving to be happy.
I now that the alcoholism is a symptom of PTSD or something. If someone has cancer they go to the doctor and they get treatment. If someone gets Parkinsons, or MS or MD, they go and get diagnosed and treated. How long, when someone is living with alcoholism, can you expect to wait before they will go to get help? What has to be the trigger to make them seek a diagnosis or treatment.
If we are not happy together, today's world suggests we may be happy apart. A counsellor even suggested that it may be a matter of giving the ultimatum that it is the drinking or me.
He has to decide to get better, but he has to admit that he is sick first. It has been 9 years and he doesn't see it. How can this be so difficult?
I said I would never wait this long for the alcoholism to fester, but I have and I really don't know how much longer I can do this. Is it a matter of my mental health? Is it selfish of me to step out? How do I do that? What are the implications? Why do I worry about others more than myself?
I just don't know any more. Is happiness more important than working things out?
How do you take one of the only things that we commit to before God any more. To love, to honour and obey, in sickness and in health against deserving to be happy.
I now that the alcoholism is a symptom of PTSD or something. If someone has cancer they go to the doctor and they get treatment. If someone gets Parkinsons, or MS or MD, they go and get diagnosed and treated. How long, when someone is living with alcoholism, can you expect to wait before they will go to get help? What has to be the trigger to make them seek a diagnosis or treatment.
If we are not happy together, today's world suggests we may be happy apart. A counsellor even suggested that it may be a matter of giving the ultimatum that it is the drinking or me.
He has to decide to get better, but he has to admit that he is sick first. It has been 9 years and he doesn't see it. How can this be so difficult?
I said I would never wait this long for the alcoholism to fester, but I have and I really don't know how much longer I can do this. Is it a matter of my mental health? Is it selfish of me to step out? How do I do that? What are the implications? Why do I worry about others more than myself?
I just don't know any more. Is happiness more important than working things out?
Tuesday, 23 February 2016
Uncoupling
The Internet is full of weird articles, but I read an article about uncoupling and thought it an accurate depiction of the current state.
Upon return from a recent trip, between security and the gate, my ticket disappeared. What did he do? Boarded without even seeing if there might be a problem with getting a new ticket with the service agent or if I would even get on the flight.
I don't think I have ever felt so jilted in all my life! No chivalry, no concern, no stand by your partner, just leave me behind and board the flight.
How do you even forgive something like that? When that kind of behaviour happens, I struggle to find grace.
To his credit, I have to say, he does laundry, he does prepare meals, and given I work later, I am blessed that he will go ahead and prepare supper and enjoys cooking, though usually over cooks most things. Can I focus on the things he does right?
Upon return from a recent trip, between security and the gate, my ticket disappeared. What did he do? Boarded without even seeing if there might be a problem with getting a new ticket with the service agent or if I would even get on the flight.
I don't think I have ever felt so jilted in all my life! No chivalry, no concern, no stand by your partner, just leave me behind and board the flight.
How do you even forgive something like that? When that kind of behaviour happens, I struggle to find grace.
To his credit, I have to say, he does laundry, he does prepare meals, and given I work later, I am blessed that he will go ahead and prepare supper and enjoys cooking, though usually over cooks most things. Can I focus on the things he does right?
Sunday, 21 February 2016
Loyalty and Doubt
How do you live a life of witness if the fact that your spouse is an alcoholic is not known by everyone? Is it living a lie to protect his reputation and privacy by keeping it a secret?
It is becoming more and more evident to me of what I am missing that so many others seem to have.
Someone to do things with (without worrying if they have had too much to drink or if it would interfere with their plans for drinking)
Someone to trust as a friend (without worrying if something might get thrown back in your face)
Someone to walk in a journey of faith with (how many times have I asked him to come to church with us and have him say no)
Someone I can depend on as a friend (I fear bothering him sometimes because it is made so obvious when he has to go out of his way, but never questions asking me to go out of my way)
Someone who understands tithing and giving (everything is questioned and whether or not he will be reimbursed but its okay to spend money on booze without question)
Someone that would offer reciprocated affection (facing drunken sexual advances is not pleasant nor affectionate - demanding, rough and satisfying an urge is more the demand than the offer)
Someone who would enjoy sharing more together.
Someone who doesn't need to be coerced into attending family functions
Someone who is proud to attend kids' events regardless of weather or time.
Someone who encourages kids rather than wonders what they can get out of it.
When the list of finding the positives is becoming more difficult it is harder to pray for healing for him. What if he is healed and my heart is hardened?
I fear that I have failed and am not certain if I could ever recoup from this emotionally.
It is becoming more and more evident to me of what I am missing that so many others seem to have.
Someone to do things with (without worrying if they have had too much to drink or if it would interfere with their plans for drinking)
Someone to trust as a friend (without worrying if something might get thrown back in your face)
Someone to walk in a journey of faith with (how many times have I asked him to come to church with us and have him say no)
Someone I can depend on as a friend (I fear bothering him sometimes because it is made so obvious when he has to go out of his way, but never questions asking me to go out of my way)
Someone who understands tithing and giving (everything is questioned and whether or not he will be reimbursed but its okay to spend money on booze without question)
Someone that would offer reciprocated affection (facing drunken sexual advances is not pleasant nor affectionate - demanding, rough and satisfying an urge is more the demand than the offer)
Someone who would enjoy sharing more together.
Someone who doesn't need to be coerced into attending family functions
Someone who is proud to attend kids' events regardless of weather or time.
Someone who encourages kids rather than wonders what they can get out of it.
When the list of finding the positives is becoming more difficult it is harder to pray for healing for him. What if he is healed and my heart is hardened?
I fear that I have failed and am not certain if I could ever recoup from this emotionally.
Thursday, 18 February 2016
Pros and Cons
It is difficult to find the positives when there are so many negatives. Drinking pollutes the atmosphere. Alcohol enters the system and seems to remove all filters, all concern for fellow humans and all consideration of sensitivity and care.
I am struggling to pray for my spouse each day but I am failing. I am uncertain what to pray for. I should be praying for a changed heart and for salvation to change the life being lived, but I fall into the poor me trap of praying for:
No more insults
No more swearing
No more clumsy come ons
No more hateful put downs
No more unpredictable anger
No more passing out and waking me at ridiculous hours
No more personality changes
No more illogical arguments
No more heartbreaking
No more paranoia
No more drinking, and the list goes on...
How do you pray for someone that is continually hurtful? How do you seek to forgive when the seventy times seven is long past? How do you seek to hold onto marriage vows when they seem to be trampled on routinely.
I caught him helping a tiny woman at the grocery store by reaching a high item for her. Meanwhile, I was insulted for suggesting something different. Treated like crap in front of relatives. Left behind at the gate and made to feel incompetent with everything I do in front of him. Why?
I am loved by God and created uniquely by Him. Yet, so is he. I have been given gifts and talents and I fear that he is wasting his.
Perhaps the words of this song should be my prayer as I try to let go of the bad and hold to what once was the apple of my eye and that person that God also uniquely made.
"Create in me a clean heart, Oh God,
And renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from they presence, O Lord
And take not Thy Holy Spirit from me
Restore onto me the joy of Thy salvation
And renew a right spirit within me."
I am struggling to pray for my spouse each day but I am failing. I am uncertain what to pray for. I should be praying for a changed heart and for salvation to change the life being lived, but I fall into the poor me trap of praying for:
No more insults
No more swearing
No more clumsy come ons
No more hateful put downs
No more unpredictable anger
No more passing out and waking me at ridiculous hours
No more personality changes
No more illogical arguments
No more heartbreaking
No more paranoia
No more drinking, and the list goes on...
How do you pray for someone that is continually hurtful? How do you seek to forgive when the seventy times seven is long past? How do you seek to hold onto marriage vows when they seem to be trampled on routinely.
I caught him helping a tiny woman at the grocery store by reaching a high item for her. Meanwhile, I was insulted for suggesting something different. Treated like crap in front of relatives. Left behind at the gate and made to feel incompetent with everything I do in front of him. Why?
I am loved by God and created uniquely by Him. Yet, so is he. I have been given gifts and talents and I fear that he is wasting his.
Perhaps the words of this song should be my prayer as I try to let go of the bad and hold to what once was the apple of my eye and that person that God also uniquely made.
"Create in me a clean heart, Oh God,
And renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from they presence, O Lord
And take not Thy Holy Spirit from me
Restore onto me the joy of Thy salvation
And renew a right spirit within me."
Monday, 25 January 2016
How do you get to "no doubting"
I am not sure if it is complacency, numbness but I no longer fear him. I actually feel sorry for him and wish I knew what I could do to help him.
This is an illness, but it is not a illness that is normal. It is not take two aspirin and call me in the morning or something that a bandage fixes or surgery can remove.
What scares me the most is the future. Living in a relationship that is less and less something to look forward to. Living more and more independently as I will not remain at home feeling sorry for myself. That The joy of Christ is not a common thing we can share. That he can find such horrendous things to say to undermine what Christ does.
Son volunteered at a Christian winter retreat and he obliterated any sense of purity by saying to him he didn't care if he had fun, a good time or got laid, so long as he got enough sleep before he drove home. (It is a lengthy drive, but that was uncalled for)
A recurring theme so far this year is making the right decision. What is the right decision. I said when all this started, that I would not be that woman, 7 years later, tearfully pouring my heart out about what my husband's drinking is doing to me.
Here I am over 7 years later and though I may not be tearful, I am disappointed that I am unable to change things. Granted I know that God can and I have not been diligent in praying for his hand in all of this, but I have prayed earnestly for Him to heal, to look after him and to make it stop. I also know that it is God's time and that I am stronger now, but I am actually now reluctant to think about what the next steps might be.
If this is sickness, and the patient refuses treatment, then do I really stay?
If this is no longer the right place, then what is?
Is it a matter of fearing the results of this or fearing making the break?
Even if I tried to seek a separation to force him to get some help, something tells me that it would be the end and he would never forgive me.
This is an illness, but it is not a illness that is normal. It is not take two aspirin and call me in the morning or something that a bandage fixes or surgery can remove.
What scares me the most is the future. Living in a relationship that is less and less something to look forward to. Living more and more independently as I will not remain at home feeling sorry for myself. That The joy of Christ is not a common thing we can share. That he can find such horrendous things to say to undermine what Christ does.
Son volunteered at a Christian winter retreat and he obliterated any sense of purity by saying to him he didn't care if he had fun, a good time or got laid, so long as he got enough sleep before he drove home. (It is a lengthy drive, but that was uncalled for)
A recurring theme so far this year is making the right decision. What is the right decision. I said when all this started, that I would not be that woman, 7 years later, tearfully pouring my heart out about what my husband's drinking is doing to me.
Here I am over 7 years later and though I may not be tearful, I am disappointed that I am unable to change things. Granted I know that God can and I have not been diligent in praying for his hand in all of this, but I have prayed earnestly for Him to heal, to look after him and to make it stop. I also know that it is God's time and that I am stronger now, but I am actually now reluctant to think about what the next steps might be.
If this is sickness, and the patient refuses treatment, then do I really stay?
If this is no longer the right place, then what is?
Is it a matter of fearing the results of this or fearing making the break?
Even if I tried to seek a separation to force him to get some help, something tells me that it would be the end and he would never forgive me.
James 1:5-6English Standard Version (ESV)
5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.
Sunday, 24 January 2016
I just don't know
How could the drinking get any worse? How could he not see the impact it is having? A few weeks ago, son was at work and he fell in the garage. I heard the commotion and went to see what was wrong. He claimed that everything was okay, yet he was struggling to get back to his feet. He eventually came in. He went back out to the garage a little later and fell again. He then passed out on the garage floor. I was trying to get him up when our son came home and coaxed him back in the house.
Now he can barely walk when he comes to bed. How much worse can it get? I do not understand how he does not see what he is doing to himself. He doesn't sleep well and he passes out every night in the chair. There is no predicting how he will react to anything and it is like waiting for a time bomb to go off.
I do not like being touched by him when he has been drinking. He is clumsy, rough and far from affectionate and romantic. I am finding it so much harder to find what is left to love. I am not sure if I am in a better place as I know I cannot control the situation, but I also wonder if I am falling out of love. I cannot find it within myself to walk away, but yet I am beginning to truly dread the idea of what an empty nest will bring.
If my competition is the bottle then how do I compete? If logic is gone, how do I reason? How do I move forward?
Interesting verse encountered this weekend:
“Do not be afraid; keep on speaking, do not be silent. 10 For I am with you,and no one is going to attack and harm you Acts 18:9b-10a.
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