Pros and Cons

It is difficult to find the positives when there are so many negatives.  Drinking pollutes the atmosphere.  Alcohol enters the system and seems to remove all filters, all concern for fellow humans and all consideration of sensitivity and care.

I am struggling to pray for my spouse each day but I am failing.  I am uncertain what to pray for.  I should be praying for a changed heart and for salvation to change the life being lived, but I fall into the poor me trap of praying for:

No more insults
No more swearing
No more clumsy come ons
No more hateful put downs
No more unpredictable anger
No more passing out and waking me at ridiculous hours
No more personality changes
No more illogical arguments
No more heartbreaking
No more paranoia
No more drinking, and the list goes on...

How do you pray for someone that is continually hurtful?  How do you seek to forgive when the seventy times seven is long past?  How do you seek to hold onto marriage vows when they seem to be trampled on routinely.

I caught him helping a tiny woman at the grocery store by reaching a high item for her.  Meanwhile, I was insulted for suggesting something different.  Treated like crap in front of relatives.  Left behind at the gate and made to feel incompetent with everything I do in front of him.  Why?

I am loved by God and created uniquely by Him.  Yet, so is he.  I have been given gifts and talents and I fear that he is wasting his.

Perhaps the words of this song should be my prayer as I try to let go of the bad and hold to what once was the apple of my eye and that person that God also uniquely made.

"Create in me a clean heart, Oh God,
And renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from they presence, O Lord
And take not Thy Holy Spirit from me
Restore onto me the joy of Thy salvation
And renew a right spirit within me."