How do you live a life of witness if the fact that your spouse is an alcoholic is not known by everyone? Is it living a lie to protect his reputation and privacy by keeping it a secret?
It is becoming more and more evident to me of what I am missing that so many others seem to have.
Someone to do things with (without worrying if they have had too much to drink or if it would interfere with their plans for drinking)
Someone to trust as a friend (without worrying if something might get thrown back in your face)
Someone to walk in a journey of faith with (how many times have I asked him to come to church with us and have him say no)
Someone I can depend on as a friend (I fear bothering him sometimes because it is made so obvious when he has to go out of his way, but never questions asking me to go out of my way)
Someone who understands tithing and giving (everything is questioned and whether or not he will be reimbursed but its okay to spend money on booze without question)
Someone that would offer reciprocated affection (facing drunken sexual advances is not pleasant nor affectionate - demanding, rough and satisfying an urge is more the demand than the offer)
Someone who would enjoy sharing more together.
Someone who doesn't need to be coerced into attending family functions
Someone who is proud to attend kids' events regardless of weather or time.
Someone who encourages kids rather than wonders what they can get out of it.
When the list of finding the positives is becoming more difficult it is harder to pray for healing for him. What if he is healed and my heart is hardened?
I fear that I have failed and am not certain if I could ever recoup from this emotionally.
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