Stressed

My Mom used to say that things happened in threes... part of me is waiting for the last shoe to drop so to speak.

A week and a half ago, I lost the diamond from my engagement ring.  I was saddened and despite looking, had no luck in finding it.  Last Thursday, I was informed that my job would be changing,  I would lose my team and change reporting relationships.  Not to keen about who I will be reporting to and disappointed to hear discrepancies in the messaging.  My colleague and I were told it was temporary yet our teams have been given permanent changes.

Came home that night and expressed my disappointing news to my husband and I get a diatribe about what cannot be cut at his work.

There was also a change of approach from the start date being last Monday to the new change over date being January 5th.  Most others on the floor knew nothing about the change, but the last couple of days, the news is spreading and despite trying to move past it and not take any of this personally, I am struggling to respond to opinions that I have received the short end of the stick and asking if I am ok.  No I am not ok, but I also don't have the heart to tell peers that it is not just a matter of Bobby and I being affected, but it is all the folks at the same level.  But they don't need to hear that just before Christmas.

I am exhausted from a lack of sleep and am struggling to maintain my composure through this.  I know that I am the queen of worry and am trying hard to hold onto my old standby.

The saying is that a lump of coal becomes a diamond due to the high pressure.  I am trying to tell myself that I am a diamond waiting to shine....

Philippians 4:6-7New International Version (NIV)

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Psalm 90

A prayer of Moses the man of God.

1 Lord, you have been our dwelling place
    throughout all generations.
2 Before the mountains were born
    or you brought forth the whole world,
    from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

3 You turn people back to dust,
    saying, “Return to dust, you mortals.”
4 A thousand years in your sight
    are like a day that has just gone by,
    or like a watch in the night.
5 Yet you sweep people away in the sleep of death—
    they are like the new grass of the morning:
6 In the morning it springs up new,
    but by evening it is dry and withered.

7 We are consumed by your anger
    and terrified by your indignation.
8 You have set our iniquities before you,
    our secret sins in the light of your presence.
9 All our days pass away under your wrath;
    we finish our years with a moan.
10 Our days may come to seventy years,
    or eighty, if our strength endures;
yet the best of them are but trouble and sorrow,
    for they quickly pass, and we fly away.
11 If only we knew the power of your anger!
    Your wrath is as great as the fear that is your due.
12 Teach us to number our days,
    that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

13 Relent, Lord! How long will it be?
    Have compassion on your servants.
14 Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
    that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
15 Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
    for as many years as we have seen trouble.
16 May your deeds be shown to your servants,
    your splendor to their children.

17 May the favor[a] of the Lord our God rest on us;
    establish the work of our hands for us—
    yes, establish the work of our hands.

Compromised?

It has been over 6 years now since I came to the realisation that his drinking had crept into much more than a social or occasional thing.  It began to dawn on me that I was not equipped to handle the angry outbursts or the belittling insults.  The inconsistency with sober and drunken behaviour began to become evident.

I declared that I could not live like this for as long as a woman talked about at Alanon.  It seemed impossible, yet I am slowly approaching that time and some things have changed, but not for the better.

We have become two people living separate lives.  I no longer watch tv with him as it becomes just a game of mistrust.  Me watching a show becomes me babysitting or monitoring what he is drinking.

I no longer wake him from a drunken slumber.  It is pointless anyways.  I grieve the loss of the sober and am numb to the man who is buried beneath the booze.

How can I have come this far?  I am still struggling, but without the support of Christian friends that God has put in my life, counselling and His constant support despite my stumbling faith. I could not do this.  Will I reach the anniversary I swore I never would. I don't know, but it won't be on my own.

It amazes me the verses that I encounter and these three are reasons why I am still there.  I do not successfully let go of the worry, but I try.  I know that when I begin to move away from God, that things certainly get more challenging.  Lord help me walk more closely with you and let you have control.

1 Peter 5:6-7New International Version (NIV)

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Matthew 11:28New International Version (NIV)

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Psalm 55:22New International Version (NIV)

22 Cast your cares on the Lord
    and he will sustain you;
he will never let
    the righteous be shaken.

Not a switch.

Last night I managed to take the wrong bus.  I ended up off my planned route home. I needed to be somewhere so called home and asked if I might get a ride and suggested a rendezvous point, trying to appreciate the traffic and the inconvenience of coming to get me and how far I thought I could walk to meet up.

Well I messed that up royally!  My instructions on the Southeast corner of the intersection by the onramp didn't work. Then an angry, curt call and why not at a difference location. Then nothing.  Don't know if it was a hang up or not.  Then a drive by with a glaring angry look from the opposite side of the 4 lane street.  I stayed put.  As I watched for the vehicle to come, I was so on edge.  Would the lights cooperate?  Would it be a green light and a rush entrance?  Of course the light was green as the vehicle showed up from around the bend following a long line of cars.

Fours ways initiated, it rolls to a stop. I grab the handle, open the door and the barrage of expletives begins.  I left my headphones on and tried to concentrate on the music as the sharp words ended.  Tried to focus on positive thoughts and the striking difference of the calm demeanour of my father and this angry, out-of-control and hurtful lashing struck me.  Then a muffled question from the otherside of the headphones.  I think I was so lost in thought I didn't hear the exact wards and removed one ear to hear better, offering a useless "pardon".  That just shut everything down.

Arrived home, packed stuff up and got organised.  Was so tempted to leave with out a salutation, but stepped back to offer up a "bye" and "see you later" down the basement stairs as I headed out the door.  Had a great night and came home with angst and worry.  Popped downstairs to see him and then he wonders why I am not in the mood?  How do you explain that? How do you flip the switch from hurt to amorous without acknowledgement, apology or consideration?

It is my humanity that prevents me from offering grace as great as God's.  It is my sinfulness that holds the grudge and clings to the anxiety.  It is my pride that stops things cold and wonders how I got here.  Lord, give me the wisdom to follow through on what your will would be.

Bully?

I read an interesting post today about bullying in marriage.  It resonated so loudly!  Tension, panic, fear are not relationship attributes that are healthy.  It is a rut that we get into and that we find difficult to see a way out of.  When I mess up, it is belittlement, insult and hurtful remarks that are made.  When he does the same thing, nothing is made of it.   That doesn't even cover the times that he is drinking.  I know it is in sickness and in health, but is it a sickness when the intimidation is done sober?  Is it sickness when drinking is controlled?  Like before a medical?  Perhaps I am the one that is sick to believe that something will change.  I invite him to church to be told that he dislikes the sermons. I see how he has marked our children's hearts and minds and pray that they will heal.  I feel I should have taken them out of this before now and feel worse as I learn new things?  How does God look upon me if I just give up and walk away?  How can I live when I believe in the vow I made, but I am guilty of feeling no love? How can I forgive when I feel bitter and not forgiveness is sought?

I believe that God has a purpose for all of this, but I cannot see the bigger picture.  I believe that God can change things, but why is the door closed so tightly?  How do I stop the insults, innuendos about my genealogy, my intelligence, my habits?  How do I battle in a battlefield that is illogical and hurtful?  How can love be professed and such spiteful words be hurtled?

I do pray for understanding, but I wonder if this could ever refer to the devil being cast away from all of this?  I would never wish harm on my husband, but I do wish that satan's hand would be neutralised. I am chilled by the harshness of these words and I would pray this to be rid of satan's hold on the alcoholism that exists in this home and is poisoning his mind.

19 O that you would kill the wicked, O God,
and that the bloodthirsty would depart from me—
20 those who speak of you maliciously,
and lift themselves up against you for evil!
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
22 I hate them with perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies.
Psalm 139:19-22 NRSV

Numb, Apathy or Reassured? Mar 1 2014

I don't know what to think any more...

There have been a series of medical appointments to get to the bottom of something, and each time there is a sobering up period and then the afternoon the appointment is done, the drinking starts again.
Why do I fall for it?  Why do I think something is really changing when in fact it just isn't. Why do I hold on to such hope?

I heard some interesting testimony recently that sometimes that which is challenging to us is testing us, building us, preparing us for the future.  I find it hard to believe that I would merit or could meet the demands of such a challenge, but continue to ask God for strength, wisdom and patience.  I am spending too much time with the computer rather than working on the relationship.  Don't get me wrong, I haven't completely thrown in the towel, but I find it exasperating to just watch tv and not even decent tv.  There are no other initiatives to go out except when we can all go out.

If just he and I ever go out it might be for a breakfast and he spends time reading the paper. That is not my idea of an enjoyable meal together.

How?

Today, I was reminded of Ephesians 3:14-21.  As I think about what has gone on over the last number of years, I can only believe that it is through His power that I have survived.  It boggles my mind that I did not feel half the strength I feel today, but it is not my strength that brought me hear.  It is His. It is His that sustains me. May this continue to be my prayer for me and my family and all those who have reached a wall.
" For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you, being rooted and grounded in love may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen"

Climbing the mountain

Have you ever driven through the Rockies?  You know that perspective that you are almost there, but then there is another bend in the road, another hilltop leads to another valley to cross?

I have thought several times that things might actually be getting better.  I thought that quitting drinking might have been a hoped for change and hoped for more. I was foolish enough to think it more than once.  Now that the health concern is out of the way, the drinking has resumed and it seems like I was only fooling myself.

I yearn for a friend I can trust. I long for a partner who will go to church and study God's word and pray with me. I desire a companion to celebrate and commiserate with.  I dream of affection where I can confidently know it isn't the booze that is causing desire rather than love.  I dream of calm and logical discussions instead of unpredictable moods and burning judgements and accusations.  I imagine a helpmate that I can talk about joys, speed bumps, issues and problems without fear of reprisal, judgement or criticism.

I am thankful that he came to church for Mothers' Day. I am thankful that he came to brunch to celebrate that, but disappointed that I organized it.  I am also thankful for business trips where I can let down my guard even if only for a few days.

I struggle with knowing what is the right next step.  What does God want me to do?  How do I know what is true and what is not?  How can I prevent my faith from being inhibited? How can I keep my hope squarely on God in all of this?  How can I stop from faltering in my prayer life and my scripture reading and devotions?  How can I stop the discouragement from distracting me.

Psalm 91

1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

3 Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ “Because he^[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

A dialectic dilemma?

Marriage is a commitment. It is a vow taken as part of God's intended commitment of man and wife. It is an ordinance of the church. It is a life long promise. Vows envelop love, honour, respect and sometimes obey until death.

Biblically speaking, divorce is not acceptable in God's eyes, though in exceptional circumstances of immoral sexual relations, grounds may be considered tolerable.  Not the preferred route biblically.

But when love, honour and respect have fallen to the wayside.  When alcohol has become the preferred mistress. When an admitted attempt to have relations occurred and forgiveness as worked towards, can you change your mind?

There are indications that David was tested to determine if he was ready for the responsibilities that God would put upon his shoulders.  Is this testing to see if I chose God's will?

In the confusion of belligerent insults and drunken spite, it is difficult to hold onto that.  It is easy to say that one would be justified at walking away from such circumstances.  How can it be clear what the right choice is?  How much prayer and soul-searching and counselling is necessary before it is okay to resign in defeat?  Is it wrong to be looking for an out?

How can anyone in good faith work on something that is resulting in no improvement or growth.  Jeremiah indicates God has a plan. Yet if I was foolish enough to become unequally yoked, that wasn't part of God's plan, then are these the consequences?  Are these doubts coming from the wrong place?

Have I honestly prayed for the softening of his heart towards God?  Have I really tried to be an effective witness. How can I honestly discern God's will for me and choose the path He intends.

Is the doubt part of the deception?  Is the second guessing wrong?  The defending of ourselves and our kids when arguing is hopeless is heartbreaking.

I know God hears our prayers.  I just need to be in the word more to clear the fog that is causing interference. I need help to know if the assumption that booze is the mistress is the wrong.  If there is not admittance of illness, sickness, how can I help. If I am to intercede further for him, is there more than prayer?
God, I pray that you soften his heart. I pray you show me and give me confidence to be an effective witness.  I pray for strength, wisdom, stamina, patience, discernment and the ability to forgive whet seems unforgivable.  To give you the pieces of my broken heart.  Lord it is shattered and you know that.  I need your help and I need to see what is the right path.  What is right in the world may not be right in your eyes. Show me what is and give me the confidence to follow through on that. You know how torn I am and have seen what we have experienced.  

Philippians 4:13

New International Version (NIV)

13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Forgiveness

God's grace is unfathomable.  He sacrificed His son so that our sins could be forgiven.  He did not wait for us to sin. His son died for our sins even though we had yet to commit them.  How great is such love?

Why then do I find it so hard to forgive?  Am I holding on to the resentment, the anger, the hurt?  Poor me to live like this?  How do I get past repetitive behaviour of drunken insults?  Absent minded inebriation?  Clumsy affection that keeps happening over and over?  How do I set boundaries when the behaviour is forgotten?  Even conversations with relatives and discussions about vacations are being forgotten.

Would asking for a portion of God's grace allow me to find forgiveness?  Would asking for courage and wisdom allow me to find the right words and the right timing?  Would asking for a softening of his heart for God's love bring us both together?  Could that be the purpose of the waiting?  How do I let go of the resentment, the anger, the disappointment, the frustration, the ridiculous loss of memory that creates friction?  How do I let go of the hurt?

Luke 6:32-38
“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. 35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

Judging Others

37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

Betcha can't top that... okay maybe you can...

So worst Christmas Eve ever. Yelling, tears, broken hearts and hurt feelings.  Quiet New Years and then a wicked cold or something!  Who makes soup and jello and gets juice etc for me?  My kids.
Who asks at midnight if there is anything they can get me as the teetering steps make me wonder if it will be a trip into the bed or not?  Despite antibiotics, missing three days of work, church and still not feeling the best, says I haven't done anything for two weeks?  Kids are going away this weekend and I am so not looking forward to any alone time.

I am excited for the kids, worried of course, but that is a Mom thing, but pray they have a great time.

I am resigned to who knows what, but apathy is not a good thing.  Need some prayer and hopefully find the nerve and time for positive discussion.  Need to get passed exasperation, disappointment and frustration.  Need to let it go.

James 1:2-4

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Foolish

Did I think anything would be different for New Years? Why can't he see what it does to him? Why doesn't he realize that the booze does more than give him a buzz.  The kids walk on egg shells. No one wants to upset him by saying the wrong thing.  No one wants to go there.

What is my resolution for the year?  Working to learn how to better set boundaries for myself.  We shall see.

Interesting repeat verse the last few days with Revelations and Psalms.  The Word is good.  Just need to stay plugged in.  Need to be in His word to stay strong even when I don't think I can.