Compromised?

It has been over 6 years now since I came to the realisation that his drinking had crept into much more than a social or occasional thing.  It began to dawn on me that I was not equipped to handle the angry outbursts or the belittling insults.  The inconsistency with sober and drunken behaviour began to become evident.

I declared that I could not live like this for as long as a woman talked about at Alanon.  It seemed impossible, yet I am slowly approaching that time and some things have changed, but not for the better.

We have become two people living separate lives.  I no longer watch tv with him as it becomes just a game of mistrust.  Me watching a show becomes me babysitting or monitoring what he is drinking.

I no longer wake him from a drunken slumber.  It is pointless anyways.  I grieve the loss of the sober and am numb to the man who is buried beneath the booze.

How can I have come this far?  I am still struggling, but without the support of Christian friends that God has put in my life, counselling and His constant support despite my stumbling faith. I could not do this.  Will I reach the anniversary I swore I never would. I don't know, but it won't be on my own.

It amazes me the verses that I encounter and these three are reasons why I am still there.  I do not successfully let go of the worry, but I try.  I know that when I begin to move away from God, that things certainly get more challenging.  Lord help me walk more closely with you and let you have control.

1 Peter 5:6-7New International Version (NIV)

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Matthew 11:28New International Version (NIV)

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Psalm 55:22New International Version (NIV)

22 Cast your cares on the Lord
    and he will sustain you;
he will never let
    the righteous be shaken.