Not a switch.

Last night I managed to take the wrong bus.  I ended up off my planned route home. I needed to be somewhere so called home and asked if I might get a ride and suggested a rendezvous point, trying to appreciate the traffic and the inconvenience of coming to get me and how far I thought I could walk to meet up.

Well I messed that up royally!  My instructions on the Southeast corner of the intersection by the onramp didn't work. Then an angry, curt call and why not at a difference location. Then nothing.  Don't know if it was a hang up or not.  Then a drive by with a glaring angry look from the opposite side of the 4 lane street.  I stayed put.  As I watched for the vehicle to come, I was so on edge.  Would the lights cooperate?  Would it be a green light and a rush entrance?  Of course the light was green as the vehicle showed up from around the bend following a long line of cars.

Fours ways initiated, it rolls to a stop. I grab the handle, open the door and the barrage of expletives begins.  I left my headphones on and tried to concentrate on the music as the sharp words ended.  Tried to focus on positive thoughts and the striking difference of the calm demeanour of my father and this angry, out-of-control and hurtful lashing struck me.  Then a muffled question from the otherside of the headphones.  I think I was so lost in thought I didn't hear the exact wards and removed one ear to hear better, offering a useless "pardon".  That just shut everything down.

Arrived home, packed stuff up and got organised.  Was so tempted to leave with out a salutation, but stepped back to offer up a "bye" and "see you later" down the basement stairs as I headed out the door.  Had a great night and came home with angst and worry.  Popped downstairs to see him and then he wonders why I am not in the mood?  How do you explain that? How do you flip the switch from hurt to amorous without acknowledgement, apology or consideration?

It is my humanity that prevents me from offering grace as great as God's.  It is my sinfulness that holds the grudge and clings to the anxiety.  It is my pride that stops things cold and wonders how I got here.  Lord, give me the wisdom to follow through on what your will would be.