Rude

Go to exchange a gift.  Staff seemed very busy.  It was embarrassing at best and discouraging to think that it was thought to be acceptable to treat people like that.  To be angry after boxing day sales that there are not enough stock to meet demand. That there was no one to help find merchandise and that there was no additional stock available anywhere in Ontario merited cuss words and angry words.

Go gloom for stuff and no help there.  Left to look for myself.

When I call him on racist comments it is not acceptable.  How can there be harmony in such hatred and ill treatment of other people?  How can I call him on inappropriate behaviour when it is so extreme and aggressive?

It isn't a matter of being impatient and not liking shopping, it is a matter of disrespect, rudeness and inappropriate behaviour.  Is it grace to work through this to maintain the peace?  I just don't know how to do this right? There has to be a better way with out blowing things up.

Need prayer for patience, wisdom and understanding.

Struggling

It is a struggle to love hatred. It is a struggle to forgive drunken illogical arguments that are falsely critical and heartbreakingly spiteful and unwarranted.  It is a struggle to forgive when there is no acknowledgement of the behaviour when it is repeated and forgotten in a drunken stupor.  How do I challenge the behaviour when arguing with a drunk is hopeless and bringing it up the next day is pointless as there is no remembrance of the actions?

How do I love this? How do I forgive the same thing over and over?  My heart is beyond breaking and is hardening.  I need help finding forgiveness. I need help binding grace. I need wisdom in how to deal with things moving forward appropriately.

I fear that addressing the behaviour will only result in resentment and misunderstanding.

Revelations 21:4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[b] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Psalms 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 91 (NIV)

Psalm 91

1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

3 Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 “Because he[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

Worst Christmas Ever ever!

First, he didn't come to Christmas Eve Service.  Mention of acknowledging the end of relationships resonated, but I cast it aside.  His late night apology for not coming to church seems insincere at best.

It all started when he didn't remember the kids had told him about house sitting  He was ready to kick them out and told them not to come home for Christmas?  He had been drinking of course, but how do you argue with a drunk man who cannot remember that he had been told and protect two young people with perfect recall that remember the discussion, but are being accused of being selfish and ruining Christmas?

How do you even get to a point where the discussion (yelling actually form his vantage point) could make any sense?  Kids ask a question and they get shot down. Kids suggest something and he goes in the opposite direction.  Completely unreasonable, mean spirited and hurtful.  We were all crying except him and then after he blubbers that he just wants a nice Christmas?  I don't get it?  It takes more than the way he treated everyone last night.  Because I am crying and cannot express myself - how do you speak when you know that the truth will ignite even more grief on what is supposed to be a night filled with Hope, Peace, Joy and Love and it is being completely trampled heartlessly?  How could I have dealt with this differently? How could I have prevented the hurt?  Why do I think I need to?  Heartbroken and angry at the selfishness and the ignorance of the impact this is having.  Needing God more than anything right now.

Integrity?

Today I found Christmas cards for special friends and family.  I was able to identify with the sentiment of the cards for these people, but it broke my heart to see the cards for spouses.  I feel like I  have lost my best friend. I have lost my soul mate.  I have lost my spouse but I cannot bring myself to walk away.  He is sick. He is an alcoholic and he has disappeared into the veil of self-medication.

How do I buy a Christmas card for someone who feels like an impostor? How do I find a card that professes the deep loving relationship that a husband and wife should have but I feel like I have lost?  What happens when I have worn so thin that I am not sure that I can find the forgiveness anymore?  What happens if I am too scared to admit defeat? What happens when you don't feel like it will ever get better again?  There have been glimmers of hope, but they keep disappearing?

If the faith of a mustard seed is so great, what has happened to my faith that he is still sick?  What is God's plan in all of this?  If he is the 99th lamb, why hasn't he come home yet? Is it okay to question? Is it okay to doubt. Is it okay to wonder why?  Is it okay to worry that my time is too short?

Psalm 13

1 Lord, how long must I wait? Will you forget me forever?
    How long will you turn your face away from me?
2 How long must I struggle with my thoughts?
    How long must my heart be sad day after day?
    How long will my enemies keep winning the battle over me?

3 Lord my God, look at me and answer me.
    Give me new life, or I will die.
4 Then my enemies will say, “We have beaten him.”
    They will be filled with joy when I die.

5 But I trust in your faithful love.
    My heart is filled with joy because you will save me.
6 I will sing to the Lord.
    He has been so good to me.

Compromise

Is compromising really win/win or is it win lose?  If sacrifices are made to maintain the peace over and over again, doesn't it end up being a losing situation in the end?  If the end result was a sober spouse and a healed relationship then compromising wouldn't be so bad.

Is compromising an enabler?  Does avoiding the drunken dispute really help or prevent any tears in the long run or just result in a high pressure unpredictable fountain of tears?  Is it a sacrifice to maintain peace or is confrontation necessary?  I don't think I actually hear the innuendo, put downs and insults anymore or at least I don't rise to the occasion. but they are hurting.

I am more angry now than hurt. more resentful than feeling victimised.  In the end we are both losing at this rate.  God's grace is so abundant. Why can't I find more of it in me?  I am imperfect, but I am becoming less tolerant I think.

Praying for wisdom, discernment and appropriate action without compromise.

Alone?

There is always a desire for family dinners together.  A chance to have a family dinner is once again shunned because it is a Christmas family dinner at the Church.  I try to find the good. I try to give the benefit of the doubt.  I invited him to join us. He was invited by a friend from the church after he dropped my off last night.  I am tired of being alone when I go to church events.

Why is it acceptable to turn down my invitation to church events?  Last year an elderly gentleman invited me to a great show which would be nice to see.  I suspect he felt that I was single given he had never met my husband.  It is preferable to sit at home alone than to join us for dinner.  That is what makes me wonder if trying is worth it.  There is no real intimacy. There is not chivalry. There is no being made to feel like I am important.  There is no invitations from the other side.  Yes, I may be guilty of not initiating things, but when belittled, criticised, continually independent, and the only affection seems to come after booze starts, then what am I trying for.  I know that I am allowing little things to get to me and that there is a bigger plan.  I cannot pretend it is all a rose garden, unless it is after the blooms are gone.  Will the blooms return to the prickly branches?  Will there be a spring after this winter chill?

What can I find that is worth looking forward to?  What can there be that is positive?  Where can I change my attitude? How can I let go and give everything to God.  I would like to but think I am doubting.

Psalm 91

1 The person who rests in the shadow of the Most High God
    will be kept safe by the Mighty One.
2 I will say about the Lord,
    “He is my place of safety.
He is like a fort to me.
    He is my God. I trust in him.”

3 He will certainly save you from hidden traps
    and from deadly sickness.
4 He will cover you with his wings.
    Under the feathers of his wings you will find safety.
    He is faithful. He will keep you safe like a shield or a tower.
5 You won’t have to be afraid of the terrors that come during the night.
    You won’t have to fear the arrows that come at you during the day.
6 You won’t have to be afraid of the sickness that attacks in the darkness.
    You won’t have to fear the plague that destroys at noon.
7 A thousand may fall dead at your side.
    Ten thousand may fall near your right hand.
    But no harm will come to you.
8 You will see with your own eyes
    how God punishes sinful people.

9 The Lord is the one who keeps you safe.
    So let the Most High God be like a home to you.
10 Then no harm will come to you.
    No terrible plague will come near your tent.
11 The Lord will command his angels
    to take good care of you.
12 They will lift you up in their hands.
    Then you won’t trip over a stone.
13 You will walk all over lions and cobras.
    You will crush mighty lions and poisonous snakes.

14 The Lord says, “I will save the one who loves me.
    I will keep him safe, because he trusts in me.
15 He will call out to me, and I will answer him.
    I will be with him in times of trouble.
    I will save him and honor him.
16 I will give him a long and full life.
    I will save him.”

Tilt-a-whirl or Roller Coaster

I often compare the ups and downs of my life to a roller coaster.  Sometimes I can see the next curve and other times there is a blind hill that once you reach the top, the bottom is invisible.  Sometimes your arms are in the sky for the thrill of the ride and other times you knuckles are white from the grip on the chicken bar.

The tilt-a-whirl perhaps a little more predictable, but equally stomach churning and challenging to figure out when the centrifical force will come to an end.  Sometimes you pull on the centre column to make the world spin out of control and other times you try to grip it to slow the dizzying sensation of the world whizzing by.

Either way, regardless of the path, the unpredictability or the uneasiness or confidence we tackle things with, Jesus is the constant. It is our faith that we need to hold on to.  He is there no matter if we think all is well or if we desperately need to lean on Him.

For it's by grace you have been saved, through faith, and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.
- Eph. 2:8

Guilty and confused

The devil thrives on reminding us how sinful we are.  He is in his glory when he undermines the grace and forgiveness that God so willingly gives us.  God forgives if we ask him to.

I have struggled with my spouse's alcoholism. I have experienced heartache, resentment, insecurity, anger, victimisation and the tearing feeling between love and hate and the blurring line between loving the man and hating the alcohol.  Loving the sober relationship, but despising the booze laden breath and fumbling and stumbling.

As I realize how Satan seeks to undermine everything, I know now that I need to turn it over to God.  God will handle things when and if I ask Him to.   If I sit in pity and play the victim, then am I really seeking God's help.  The hardest thing is to realised that as much of a victim I might be, I can stop being the victim if only I am willing to let God have full control.

Yes, I felt guilty about my spouse's health issue, but it is in God's hands. I pray that it isn't serious and that it is remedied quickly through the medical staff. I pray that God is watching over the medical staff too. Yes, I felt guilty about resenting his clumsy drunken behaviour, but it is his choice to be that way.  God can only help him if he will ask God.  I pray that he opens his heart and asks for God's healing hand and forgiveness.

I pray that when I do succumb to anger, resentment, discouragement and heartache, that I am able to let it go and turn it over to God.  He is there to hold me up when I feel down and to encourage and strengthen me when I feel there is nothing left.  Reassurance, strength to weather the storms and confidence that He is with me is so incredibly encouraging.


Praying for continued healing. Praying for strength, confidence and discernment in moving forward. Praying for forgiveness, grace and love as God forgives me.

God bless.
Jane