Feels like false hope

I thought what seemed two sober evenings in a row was linked to the attempt to quite smoking.  I thought it meant a new leaf. Two great nights in a row and I thought there was hope.  Until tonight.

Usual call home after work. A crazy day at work, I might add. It was nothing but assumptions and jumping to conclusions.  I never said I wouldn't be home for supper, yet that conclusion was drawn.  I suggested something for supper and then it was implied that I didn't think he could prepare supper. 

Why am I always made to feel like I am wrong, it is my fault and what every I say or do is never good enough.  Why, do I grasp onto this hope and believe there is a chance?  Why does what is becoming rather predictable hurt so much?  Why am I surprised?  Why don't I have the "callouses" in place to protect me from the predictable? 

Where did the confidence of this morning go?  Where did the man I used to know disappear to?  Why are the glimpses of him becoming so rare?  What do I do with all this confusion? 

How do I block this behaviour and not get pulled in?  How do I separate the alcoholic behaviour from everything else?  How do I put a stop to the emotional roller coater?  I just want him back.

God bless,

No Coincidence

It is interesting that I find it surprising to be studying communication and conflict in school at the moment and our Bible lesson last night from 1 Samuel 20 talked of the way Saul responded to anger or potentially conflict.  God is lovingly guding me. 

Now I need to pray for his strength and wisdom to follow through on what he is showing me.

God bless,

Remarkably Calm

I believe God is holding me in his protective hand tonight.  I feel remarkably calm despite some pretty insulting remarks.

Thank you Lord for being with me and reminding me that you are always here.
God bless.

Not What I Expected...

"I start the 'Butt-out program' tomorrow" was the way the conversation started.  My inside voice immediately thinks that there is something else that needs to be stopped before the cigarettes!!! 
"Oh, how are you going to do that?" 
"Champix" (sp?) is the response.
"Have you tried that before?" I ask.
"Yes, but I didn't take it in the morning and I start tomorrow morning."  triggers more racing thoughts in my brain, but our kid is now setting the table for supper.
After supper, huge travel coffee mug of wine poured.  "Don't you think you should quit drinking?" I muster.
"No, I like it too much." is the solemn, firm response.
I looked at him and said "Ì don`t." in an equally firm tone.
He stared at the TV and ignored me.  I waited.  No response.
"I would rather you quite drinking."  No response.

I am so angry. Even now, four hours later, I am sure that must be a change in blood pressure or adrenaline just thinking about it.

Relentless Love is something that needs God at the centre of it.  Praying for him to take over. Blackaby`s devotion today is challenging.

Then the LORD said to me, "Go again, love a woman who is loved by a lover and is committing adultery, just like the love of the LORD for the children of Israel, who look to other gods and love the raisin cakes of the pagans." (Hosea 3:1)

God bless,

Struggling

 l am struggling to love my spouse 100%.  My spouse as been drinking since returning from Afghanistan.  I loved him when he was sober.  Now I am struggling even when he is sober.  When he is drinking every night we as a family are avoiding spending time with him. He can be so hurtful in his words, it it easier just to stay away. In my mind, I know that alcoholism is a disease. I know that most of the time he doesn't remember his mean behaviour the next day. My heart is hurting so, that I am no longer sure I can honestly love him. I tried Alanon and was disappointed in the unchristian like connection with a "higher being" which could be anything from the "blade of grass" to a "tree", but am thankful to have connected with a Celebrate Recovery group this week.  I am feeling scared that I have a long road of healing ahead of me and for the kids. I am also feeling resentful that I am beginning this journey without him and that  it will be a longer process as he lives in denial that the drinking is actually happening or is a problem. 
It is at the point that I am struggling to know if I love him, at all. I have a hard time forgetting the poor behaviour that he seems to so easily forget. I thought  when I came to the realization that there was a problem with the drinking that I could love him through this and now am doubting.  I ask God daily for strength and wisdom to feel His embrace. I am relying heavily on some amazing friends for prayer and support, but I am feeling overwhelmed the last couple of days with things falling back into a bad routine.  Again, the drinking pattern changed over the last few weeks, then the wine returned the night following a doctor's appointment again. It is sad to see him drinking and sad to see the kids becoming resentful though I believe they do love him.   I know God is here as we never would have made it this far without him, but it is sad when I my husband seems to have lost touch with God completely.
In all of this I know longer know what to pray for.   I know I need God's strength, courage, wisdom and love. I need discernment and patience to know his path for me and I need prayer.  My scars are feeling fresh and my heart is sad and I need His healing so that I can at least show God's love.

Frozen

Is it possible?  Can it be?  Am I letting satan manipulate my world?  I am feeling more and more isolated, more and more overwhelmed and less and less in control.  I am trying to relinquish control to God.  What is causing me to be so sad?  Why is it so disappointing?  Where has the importance of truth gone?

Couple weeks ago, the drinking habits changed.  I asked point blank. "Is there a doctor's appointment coming up?"
"No." was the firm response.
Again, I let my hopes interfere.  Again, I think that maybe it will stop.  Sunday, mean and illogical argument.  I wasn't sure.  "Have you been drinking?"
"No! What does that have to do with anything?" is the question back.
"It just doesn't make sense."
We arrive to pick up the kids and ask to make introductions.  Then the cold evening wind carries the sickly smell of alcohol into my face.  I am in shock!  Driving?  Now driving my son home?  How much had been consumed?  Why was this lie being perpetuated?  Why am I blindsided by it?

Then Wednesday night, I find out that there is actually a medical appointment!  Another lie!  Why am I so surprised?  Last night, it starts all over again, the blue travellers coffee mug has been christened with wine once again!  Tonight it continues!  Why does this bring everything to a stand still?  I can't concentrate?  I can't focus?  I have a paper to right and nothing is connecting? 

I have found a source of help.  It is truly amazing how God works.  It scares me that I am realizing that I need healing and that I may begin the road of healing alone.  Is it possible that my healing will never be complete without the drinking stopping? What happens if I begin the road of "recovery from co-dependency" on my own?  What happens if one of us is left behind?  What is the trigger that will make it evident that I am not the only one who needs help?

How do I get past this feeling of having been immobilized?  Frozen?  Helpless?  I struggle to see through the thoughts of worry.  I am praying for strength.  I am seeking God's discernment, courage and so need his love.   I am asking for peace. I am asking for healing. I am asking for courage and strength.  I am asking for discernment and guidance to the path God has for me.  I am asking that the kids are embraced in Your arms Lord and are also guided by Your love, wisdom and strength.   I ask that you soften the heart and make us each a strong witness and a loving example that reflects Your love.  I ask this in your most Holy name Lord as you promised.

John 16:23-24

New International Version (NIV)

²³ In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. ²⁴ Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

 

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

 

"The only fear that God encourages in a Christian’s life is the fear of God (2 Cor. 5:10–11;_Heb. 10:31). Fear of people does not come from God. The problem is that many Christians fear people more than they fear God. Their fear hinders them from pleasing God because they waste their efforts appeasing other people. Timothy was a young man, timid by nature, and_probably not strong physically (1 Tim. 5:23). He knew of Paul’s frequent trials and persecutions. He knew that he, too, might suffer those same persecutions. Paul reminded his young colleague that fear of others does not come_from God.
Fear causes us to stop and question what God has clearly told us to do. Perhaps we were confident in our obedience until persecution came; now we doubt whether we heard God correctly. Most fear is fear of the unknown. We do not know what lies ahead of us, so we become apprehensive. Our imaginations can magnify problems until they seem insurmountable. We need a sound mind to see things in proper perspective. That is why God gave us His Holy Spirit, to enable us to see things as God sees them.
Fear is no excuse to disobey God. There is no reason to live in fear when you have the mighty presence of the Holy Spirit within you. Fear will enslave you, but Christ has come to set you free. Ask God to free you from any fear you are experiencing and to open your eyes. As He reveals the reality of your situation, He will enable you to continue in obedience."  Blackaby Ministries International Feb 3rd, 2012 devotional.

Thank you Lord for the calm and the peace you send.  It only takes time in your word to rid myself of those fears.  Help me to have stronger faith and help me not to waiver. 

God bless,

Doubt and Hope

Is doubt the result of letting satan into our minds?

I have prayed for healing. I have prayed that my spouse's heart would be softened. I have prayed that I could be a better witness or more effective witness.  I have prayed for understanding and strength and wisdom.

God has given me great strength, and I find wisdom in his word. I appreciate that many things are in accordance with God's schedule and not necessarily mine, but I so wish that He could touch the heart of this person I love and help me to be compassionate enough to be able to be forgiving, supportive and understanding. 

I get discouraged and wonder how it isn't evident that there is a significant impact on our family.  The kids and I no longer watch TV as it is just to risky to be exposed to unpredictable and negtive behaviour which is brought on by the drinking.  It is sad, but it doesn't seem to register that our family has changed.

It is so clear that alcohol is the poison of satan.  I am looking forward to answered prayer and will see how things go this week.  At least, there may be some help that is relevant and is linked to my Higher Power, Jesus Christ.  Lets just hope that it is a smooth ride to get there.

God bless,

Acceptance and Assurance

"The real answer comes with embracing yourself and not necessarily trying to improve yourself."

I guess the hardest part is to leave it all in God's hands.  We are all lumps of coal or mounds of clay.  We need to let God do his work.  Sometimes there is great pressure as is necessary to turn coal into a diamond.  Other times we are stretched and squeezed like clay on the potters wheel. 

God never said that life would be easy for us.  He spoke of persecution. He also said he would be there.  It is so difficult sometimes to remember that he is walking every step with us.  Why are we so quick to forget that?  What makes us so independent that we think we can make it without Him? 

Hebrews 13:5  Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,  “Never will I leave you;  never will I forsake you.”

During the darkest days, the wildest storms and the most difficult trials. He is with me!  He loves me!  I am special to Him.  It does not matter what anyone else thinks!

God bless,