There are so many...
It takes time, heat and pressure for a diamond to be made.
It takes time and effort for a butterfly to emerge from its cocoon.
It takes breaking eggs, spilt milk, sifted flour and baking to get to a chocolate cake.
It this the time of pressure and difficulties? Job didn't have it easy. He had so much and then lost so much. He held on to God through everything he went through. How can I do the same.
God has provided so much that I need to focus on that and be thankful. Everything else will fall into place at one point or another, but in Gods, time. The hardest part sometimes is waiting for God's time to arrive.
Sunday, 28 February 2016
Saturday, 27 February 2016
Discord
How do you balance what the world says with what your vows say?
How do you take one of the only things that we commit to before God any more. To love, to honour and obey, in sickness and in health against deserving to be happy.
I now that the alcoholism is a symptom of PTSD or something. If someone has cancer they go to the doctor and they get treatment. If someone gets Parkinsons, or MS or MD, they go and get diagnosed and treated. How long, when someone is living with alcoholism, can you expect to wait before they will go to get help? What has to be the trigger to make them seek a diagnosis or treatment.
If we are not happy together, today's world suggests we may be happy apart. A counsellor even suggested that it may be a matter of giving the ultimatum that it is the drinking or me.
He has to decide to get better, but he has to admit that he is sick first. It has been 9 years and he doesn't see it. How can this be so difficult?
I said I would never wait this long for the alcoholism to fester, but I have and I really don't know how much longer I can do this. Is it a matter of my mental health? Is it selfish of me to step out? How do I do that? What are the implications? Why do I worry about others more than myself?
I just don't know any more. Is happiness more important than working things out?
How do you take one of the only things that we commit to before God any more. To love, to honour and obey, in sickness and in health against deserving to be happy.
I now that the alcoholism is a symptom of PTSD or something. If someone has cancer they go to the doctor and they get treatment. If someone gets Parkinsons, or MS or MD, they go and get diagnosed and treated. How long, when someone is living with alcoholism, can you expect to wait before they will go to get help? What has to be the trigger to make them seek a diagnosis or treatment.
If we are not happy together, today's world suggests we may be happy apart. A counsellor even suggested that it may be a matter of giving the ultimatum that it is the drinking or me.
He has to decide to get better, but he has to admit that he is sick first. It has been 9 years and he doesn't see it. How can this be so difficult?
I said I would never wait this long for the alcoholism to fester, but I have and I really don't know how much longer I can do this. Is it a matter of my mental health? Is it selfish of me to step out? How do I do that? What are the implications? Why do I worry about others more than myself?
I just don't know any more. Is happiness more important than working things out?
Tuesday, 23 February 2016
Uncoupling
The Internet is full of weird articles, but I read an article about uncoupling and thought it an accurate depiction of the current state.
Upon return from a recent trip, between security and the gate, my ticket disappeared. What did he do? Boarded without even seeing if there might be a problem with getting a new ticket with the service agent or if I would even get on the flight.
I don't think I have ever felt so jilted in all my life! No chivalry, no concern, no stand by your partner, just leave me behind and board the flight.
How do you even forgive something like that? When that kind of behaviour happens, I struggle to find grace.
To his credit, I have to say, he does laundry, he does prepare meals, and given I work later, I am blessed that he will go ahead and prepare supper and enjoys cooking, though usually over cooks most things. Can I focus on the things he does right?
Upon return from a recent trip, between security and the gate, my ticket disappeared. What did he do? Boarded without even seeing if there might be a problem with getting a new ticket with the service agent or if I would even get on the flight.
I don't think I have ever felt so jilted in all my life! No chivalry, no concern, no stand by your partner, just leave me behind and board the flight.
How do you even forgive something like that? When that kind of behaviour happens, I struggle to find grace.
To his credit, I have to say, he does laundry, he does prepare meals, and given I work later, I am blessed that he will go ahead and prepare supper and enjoys cooking, though usually over cooks most things. Can I focus on the things he does right?
Sunday, 21 February 2016
Loyalty and Doubt
How do you live a life of witness if the fact that your spouse is an alcoholic is not known by everyone? Is it living a lie to protect his reputation and privacy by keeping it a secret?
It is becoming more and more evident to me of what I am missing that so many others seem to have.
Someone to do things with (without worrying if they have had too much to drink or if it would interfere with their plans for drinking)
Someone to trust as a friend (without worrying if something might get thrown back in your face)
Someone to walk in a journey of faith with (how many times have I asked him to come to church with us and have him say no)
Someone I can depend on as a friend (I fear bothering him sometimes because it is made so obvious when he has to go out of his way, but never questions asking me to go out of my way)
Someone who understands tithing and giving (everything is questioned and whether or not he will be reimbursed but its okay to spend money on booze without question)
Someone that would offer reciprocated affection (facing drunken sexual advances is not pleasant nor affectionate - demanding, rough and satisfying an urge is more the demand than the offer)
Someone who would enjoy sharing more together.
Someone who doesn't need to be coerced into attending family functions
Someone who is proud to attend kids' events regardless of weather or time.
Someone who encourages kids rather than wonders what they can get out of it.
When the list of finding the positives is becoming more difficult it is harder to pray for healing for him. What if he is healed and my heart is hardened?
I fear that I have failed and am not certain if I could ever recoup from this emotionally.
It is becoming more and more evident to me of what I am missing that so many others seem to have.
Someone to do things with (without worrying if they have had too much to drink or if it would interfere with their plans for drinking)
Someone to trust as a friend (without worrying if something might get thrown back in your face)
Someone to walk in a journey of faith with (how many times have I asked him to come to church with us and have him say no)
Someone I can depend on as a friend (I fear bothering him sometimes because it is made so obvious when he has to go out of his way, but never questions asking me to go out of my way)
Someone who understands tithing and giving (everything is questioned and whether or not he will be reimbursed but its okay to spend money on booze without question)
Someone that would offer reciprocated affection (facing drunken sexual advances is not pleasant nor affectionate - demanding, rough and satisfying an urge is more the demand than the offer)
Someone who would enjoy sharing more together.
Someone who doesn't need to be coerced into attending family functions
Someone who is proud to attend kids' events regardless of weather or time.
Someone who encourages kids rather than wonders what they can get out of it.
When the list of finding the positives is becoming more difficult it is harder to pray for healing for him. What if he is healed and my heart is hardened?
I fear that I have failed and am not certain if I could ever recoup from this emotionally.
Thursday, 18 February 2016
Pros and Cons
It is difficult to find the positives when there are so many negatives. Drinking pollutes the atmosphere. Alcohol enters the system and seems to remove all filters, all concern for fellow humans and all consideration of sensitivity and care.
I am struggling to pray for my spouse each day but I am failing. I am uncertain what to pray for. I should be praying for a changed heart and for salvation to change the life being lived, but I fall into the poor me trap of praying for:
No more insults
No more swearing
No more clumsy come ons
No more hateful put downs
No more unpredictable anger
No more passing out and waking me at ridiculous hours
No more personality changes
No more illogical arguments
No more heartbreaking
No more paranoia
No more drinking, and the list goes on...
How do you pray for someone that is continually hurtful? How do you seek to forgive when the seventy times seven is long past? How do you seek to hold onto marriage vows when they seem to be trampled on routinely.
I caught him helping a tiny woman at the grocery store by reaching a high item for her. Meanwhile, I was insulted for suggesting something different. Treated like crap in front of relatives. Left behind at the gate and made to feel incompetent with everything I do in front of him. Why?
I am loved by God and created uniquely by Him. Yet, so is he. I have been given gifts and talents and I fear that he is wasting his.
Perhaps the words of this song should be my prayer as I try to let go of the bad and hold to what once was the apple of my eye and that person that God also uniquely made.
"Create in me a clean heart, Oh God,
And renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from they presence, O Lord
And take not Thy Holy Spirit from me
Restore onto me the joy of Thy salvation
And renew a right spirit within me."
I am struggling to pray for my spouse each day but I am failing. I am uncertain what to pray for. I should be praying for a changed heart and for salvation to change the life being lived, but I fall into the poor me trap of praying for:
No more insults
No more swearing
No more clumsy come ons
No more hateful put downs
No more unpredictable anger
No more passing out and waking me at ridiculous hours
No more personality changes
No more illogical arguments
No more heartbreaking
No more paranoia
No more drinking, and the list goes on...
How do you pray for someone that is continually hurtful? How do you seek to forgive when the seventy times seven is long past? How do you seek to hold onto marriage vows when they seem to be trampled on routinely.
I caught him helping a tiny woman at the grocery store by reaching a high item for her. Meanwhile, I was insulted for suggesting something different. Treated like crap in front of relatives. Left behind at the gate and made to feel incompetent with everything I do in front of him. Why?
I am loved by God and created uniquely by Him. Yet, so is he. I have been given gifts and talents and I fear that he is wasting his.
Perhaps the words of this song should be my prayer as I try to let go of the bad and hold to what once was the apple of my eye and that person that God also uniquely made.
"Create in me a clean heart, Oh God,
And renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from they presence, O Lord
And take not Thy Holy Spirit from me
Restore onto me the joy of Thy salvation
And renew a right spirit within me."
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