Sad with Guilty Anticipation

Tomorrow he leaves for a trip. I am looking forward to the departure. I can't wait for some alone time for independence, autonomy, to think, reflect.  To be free from criticism, scorn, under-the-breath comments and hurtful insults is like a vacation!  I should be sad that he will be away. I should be thinking about missing him and I am not.

I am sad to realize that this is the direction of my thinking.  I long for affection. I long for discussion about anything but work. I long for someone to go for a walk with, to share in faith without fear of ridicule, to feel supported rather than to feel like a let down. I want so much to have a friend in my spouse that understands and of course a lover that I could once again trust with my heart.  I am retreating more and more to protect my heart from him and it is breaking my heart that this is where we have come.

Just when I think there might be hope, there he is passed out on the couch, once again.  Am I grieving the loss of our relationship or am I grieving the loss of the man I love.

I pray for the drinking to stop. I pray that I can forgive. I pray that I can love as Jesus must love him. I pray for wisdom, patience, understanding and discernment that I know what is the right way forward.  I pray for humility to let go of my pride where I need to and to love the man and ignore the illness.  I pray that the doubt disappears and confidence returns. I pray that I can let God have control and accept the direction that He wants to go.  I am not certain that He wants me relishing in the idea of his departure for this trip and looking forward to independence.

I pray for the right path to be evident and that the right choices are easy to make.

God bless.

Thankfulness

Thankful for people, but not behaviours. Thankful for good friends, but not for booze. Thankful for all God has given me. Wish I had the grace and wisdom to better deal with disappointments.
Thankful that God offers me more grace than I seem able to find when alcohol messes things up.

So much to be thankful for

God has given me a very blessed life.  I have somewhere to live.  I have amazing kids. I have food when I need it and even when I don't.  I have a job that challenges me and transportation to take me there. I have the opportunity to study and learn and grow.  I have amazing friends who have supported me through some very dark times and given me shoulders to lean on.  God has also shown me that things happen in His time.

I started the weekend disappointed. Disappointed with the same old bouquet of roses for our anniversary. Disappointed we didn't go away. Disappointed that the drinking continued.  Disappointed we didn't go see a movie yesterday. Disappointed that things just didn't seem to be going the way I wanted them to at all lately.

Earlier this week, I left our church's Thanksgiving letter on the dinner table.  It is from our new minister and I hoped that hubby might read it!  Yesterday at breakfast, he did!!  He even read the devotional on the back!!!  Today, he came up stairs.  He asked to iron his shirt.  I was surprised.  He said he was coming to church with us and he said I hadn't asked.  It doesn't matter that I have in the past. He came to church today!!!  God orchestrated a great Sunday to come to church!!!

Good grief!  It was about things that hold us. Things that bind us.  Debt (guilty), fashion and expectations of fashion such as control top pantyhose, girdles etc (guilty), poverty, emotional hurts (yup), physical suffering and addictions. Yes she said addictions!  I couldn't believe it.  God lead him to join us at church, today of all days? God lead the minister to speak quite directly about something I completely didn't expect. In addition, the minister never expected us to be there given that I thought we would be away this weekend!  In fact, given we had not gone away, I had actually contemplated going to another church today until he said he was coming with us!  Praying that the message registered and convicted him as much as it did me.  Yes. Jesus came to free us from all of that, but we have to let Him.  God loves us no matter what we have done, but we need to bring it to Him.

Praying for a new beginning that will allow healing, growth, forgiveness and love to expand.
Praying that I can find just a bit of the incredible forgiveness and love that God gives us. Praying that I can hold to the freeing power that He gives us and that my spouse desires the same.

I may not have liked the whole message today. I know that God was speaking to me as well as to him.  I thank God for showing me that He is in control, regardless of everything else, he will look after me. Happy Thanksgiving!

It would have been 26 years ago tonight, the rehearsal party would be over. I was sleeping in my bed at the home where I grew up.  He was probably out having a celebratory drink with his friends.   The next day in the excitement and my the tension of my parents, it didn't register that he barely made it to the church on time.  The story that he had had a lot to drink that night may have set the tone for now.  

We have had rocky points. Likely rockier than some and we have had great times.  Camping, friends, family, all laid a path for great memories until about 7 years ago.  The man that I knew began to disappear.  He drank in Afghanistan despite the limitation of booze for most.  He came home and maybe it was denial that something was wrong or mourning the loss of his mother gave him an excuse that I accepted, but day after day, night after night, he has been disappearing in the distorted world of booze.  

I stood in the card store.  I love the card store.  I looked at anniversary cards and I wanted to cry.  I couldn't bear the thought of missing out on the sentiments expressed in each of those cards.  I should have been in the sympathy card area as I fought to hold back tears as well as struggle with the disappearance of the man I loved.  I know it is wrong to let resentment creep in, but it is hard to truly care when there is absence from holding up the other end of this relationship.  Passed out on the couch is not a relationship building endeavour.

We both committed to this for life. But did we commit to the dutiful life of living together without affection, without real love?  I had an interesting conversation around where do my priorities lie.  What is most important to me?  Are my relationships the most important?  My goals and objectives?  My self respect?  Where do I draw the line?

The last 7 years or so have been a one sided relationship and though love is professed, real love is not here.  God loves him and I loved him.  God can show me the way to love again, but I need to hold on to God to find that.

I need His love and His wisdom and His courage to continue this.

I do not want to be writing this in one year.