Discouraged

So, tried to talk to my spouse today.  Asked if there was recollection of previous discussion from after the funeral he attended.  He said he did.  I asked if there was a drinking problem.  Denied.  It seems that it is easy to deny.  What seemed like a decent morning deteriorated into a lousy evening with Caesars the beginning at supper time.  What on earth makes the alcohol more important than the rest of us. What on earth creates the belief that I don't hear the booze being poured into the cup?  Why would I not notice?  Do I try again tomorrow?  How do I convey that it is nice to deal with a sober person in the morning, but it is crappy dealing with a drunk every night.  Why does it feel like it is wearing thin?  Why are the support programs for the drunk and the co-dependent?  Why aren't there programs to help intercede, intervene or help to deal with it rather than just dealing with our own emotions? 
Even to ask for help from another Christian program that hasn't returned my call is becoming discouraging.  How can it be so unsettling? How can I make my feelings heard when the denial is there? Resignation cannot be the way to go. How do I rebuild my own confidence if I can have it torn down every night?  What do I do? How do I know what God's plan is in all of this?  How do I get past the doubt, the second guessing, the feelings of discouragement?
How can it be that "His Love Never Fails" but mine seems to be?
His strength is never ending.  How do I prevent my faith from wavering? God is the only constant that I can count upon. I only need to remember that.

Open Doors and Hope

As I sadly watch a door close as very blessed friends prepare to move away, God opened another door tonight providing information about an interesting resource.  I am excited about a possible answer to prayer, but am still very sad that my very special friends will be moving away. 

Friends
Words: Deborah D. Smith
Music: Michael W. Smith

Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
Can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter in your life is through
But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

Chorus:
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends.

With the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you'll live in
Is the strength that now you show

But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

Resilience

Learned a lot today about myself.  Through listing the things that worried us.  All of the worries I identified were things of importance, but most I have little to no control over, such as my spouse's drinking.  There was nothing that was unimportant, but there were only two things that I could have any semblance of control over.  The sad thing is that the two things will not make any difference on the others.

I am know that I am not the same person I once was.  Granted, people change, but I was a much more happy-go-lucky kind of person, more confident, more outgoing and more personable.  I feel like I am getting lost in a fog of never being good enough, of never doing things right, of contradictory statements. 

I realized today that I am feeling so bogged down with everything that is happening that my resilience to deal with the changing world around me has been worn very thin.

My spouse is an alcoholic in denial. My marriage is on the rocks.  My kids are contemplating their futures in the post-secondary world and job opportunities. My finances are not so hot. Some of my best friends are moving away and I am totally heart-broken over it!  I am being asked to take on greater leadership roles in my church and at work which normally I would be thrilled, flattered and likely jump at, but don't feel confident enough, though I am certain I could take on a different role in different circumstances.  I would also need to say "no" or stop doing something else.  I know which I would be most comfortable letting go right now, but it really would not be a good time to do so.

I am not a cynical person, but am finding that my optimism isn't so readily available as it once was. 
I absolutely know that God is with me through all of this and I am certain that with everything going on, there is no way to survive this without Him!  I pray that the joy that once came so readily will return and that I can feel His assurance with me constantly.

Is it my lack of faith that is pulling me down?  How do I honestly just let go of all the stress associated with living with an alcoholic when things are so unpredictable, when things can be such an unexpectedly emotional trigger, so pointed at times and so difficult to love?  How did Christ love the unlovable?  How is it that the part that I love seems to be disappearing more and more each day?  How can that part of the person I love be rescued from the alcohol if there is denial?  I do trust that God will look after me, but I am finding it so hard to know what is the right thing to do and sometimes when I am certain about what is right, I seem to lose sight of that or find a mixed message?  How do I know it is the right thing, I am know that I need God's help to be able to be more forgiving, and now even sometime to be more loving.  How can you love someone that can be so very hurtful?

"She will never remember what it is like to be herself. She prays that her children will" - Enough is Enough by Father's Property

I just so need Him to restoreth my soul.
God bless,

Terrified

Last night I came home and found my spouse passed out on the couch, again. The only problem, it took more than 8 minutes to wake him up!  He didn't stir, respond, open his eyes, change his breathing rate for more than 8 minutes.  The first motion was to reach up to scratch the left shoulder for almost 30 seconds and then stops and asks me "Do you have to call me all night?"    How long was my voice hear and how long did it take to really react or was that just ignoring me?  I was scared.  I actually thought about calling an ambulance.
Praying to see what is the right way ahead.

Worried

Matthew 6:34³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

How can I be of so little faith?  I am struggling with worry.  Anxiety about my realtionship with my spouse. Worry for my friend's parent facing surgery.  Worry for the my kids. Worry for friends who will move away and how that will not only impact me as part of my supports, but my kids who love them too.  I am heart broken and cannot say anything yet as nothing is finalized.  I worry about the impact of their departure on so many other people as well. 

Upon hearing the news of their possible departure, I cried, I didn't want to cry as I don't want them to feel badly, though I know that they do care.  I struggled after we departed.  I don't think I have cried like this since I lost my Dad and they aren't even gone anywhere yet.  I am struggling to get out of this funk that it is holding over me and am praying that God's will be understood by me as I really don't think this is my will.  I have not made such fast and close friends and fear losing them. I fear the lost of the mentor/frienship role they play with my kids.  I am just sad that they must go.  I guess that hardest part is that God would bring such an amazing gift in my life and decide that someone else also deserved it so very soon. 

Praying for strength. Praying for looking forward to the opening doors and not to dwell so on the closing one. Praying that I can see beyond the grief that I am feeling. Praying that I can be strong for my kids when they find out.  Praying that I can see and accept God's will in all of this.

The worse part in all of this is my spouse doesn't even like them! I don't think he will even care if they go. I can't even talk to him about it. 

Praying for God's love and comfort and trying not to feel sorry for myself. But it still hurts.
Psalm 23:3-4 ³ he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,^[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

Weakened

It is evident that the stress of dealing with an alcoholic family member bears a toll.  Nothing was more evident that this when I received news that a dear friend could be moving away. 
I felt like someone had sucker punched me.  It is not malicious and it may be a great opportunity for my friend and I am happy for them, but I don't think I have cried like this since my father died and even then I don't think  I felt so alone.

The stress of worrying about what the alcoholic thinks makes for thinner skin or a softer heart or just a weaker one.  I was taken aback at how much of a blow the new of my friend's departure could have such a gut wrenching impact on me.  I have another dear friend, but knowing that there is more than one other person out there praying for me and my spouse is an uplifting feeling.  So why such a tail spin?  I know that God has been listening to my rants and fears and disappointment over the last day or two and He knows how torn I am.  Thrilled for them, but terrified for me.  It is like a piece of my foundation is being pulled away.  I know that God provides and I know that He is a constant source of refuge. I need only to ask.  I also need to ask him to strengthen my faith in Him.  I need Him now more than ever.
God bless,

No Recollection???

Last night our youngest called to see about staying overnight at a friends.  It was new years so I didn't mind.  The next question was if a couple of beers would be okay.  I know that he doesn't normally like beer and turns out he only had 1/2 of one.  My spouse sat across the room on the couch and this morning had no recollection of the phone call, the fact that phone call requesting permission had been made.  It is disappointing to realize that despite not seeming to drink that much last night that memory lapses of such simple things are happening?  I don't understand why this takes place?
Why doesn't  this type of lapse seem to register at all? Why doesn't this seem odd or unusual? Why doesn't this seem strange or something that is abnormal?
How can this not seem of note?  Is this part of the denial?  I pray that this is a year of healing for both of us.
I cannot change my spouse, but He can. I seek the wisdom, grace, strength and courage to leave this in His hands this year.  I will do my best to seek His will in handling this disease and pray that the heart of my spouse is softened and opened. I pray for strength for my kids and protection of their feelings and emotions through all of this and discernment us to respond how we need to.