God has provided where and when I have needed the most. I have a home, a job, great kids a crazy dog. Live in a decent neighbourhood and I do have my health. Though I am struggling in my marriage at the moment, I have amazing people who offer their ear, their shoulder, their guidance and sometimes even their hugs. They care, support, listen and coach. I cannot truly thank God for putting them in my life and strategically connecting us when I have so needed their friendship.
I have many friends and truly do not dislike many people. I guess I am just a people person, but I am careful about who I let closest to me so the true friends I have are those "true blue" ones.
Whether I am late, undecided or just don't feel like talking, there are three particular women who are pillars for me. One has known me all my life who I admire and love her like a mother. One has been a friend for a long time and the other has become part of my life in recent year. All amazing Christian women of faith that I am truly thankful that God has blessed me with. The three of them truly define soulmates!
God truly has blessed me with my friends, with putting resources around me so that I can seek help. Now to master the courage, the confidence and the love to have that conversation that needs to be had that I fear will be heart breaking. Praying for strength, understanding, guidance, love, compassion and forgiveness.
I so appreciate that God has placed these people in my life. They show me that He is really here. I need to thank God more often for all that he does to surround me and never take these friends for granted.
I do believe that God is with me. I just need to pray that God will take over my moments of unbelief in myself. Thank you Lord for all that you provide for me and show me the path you would have me take.
God bless.
Wednesday, 30 November 2011
Sunday, 27 November 2011
Stress
What are the stressors? Which one's have I imposed on myself? Which ones are imposed by others?
It it hard not to feel sorry for myself and even harder if I think about all that I have to be thankful for. including two wonderful kids that are pretty amazing that I really love. A husband who loves me, but is struggling with alcohol. A great career and wonderful jobs throughout. A great boss, a good house to call home. A God who looks after me through thick and thin.
So the stress in life. Stress can be good and bad. I have chosen the challenges of returning to school, to my second job, I chose my roles in my church involvement. All are conscious decisions I made for myself.
Being a wife, a mother and friend are also choices I made to care, listen, love and risk heartbreak. I have chosen to work hard and have learned that this has resulted in compromises in other areas of my life and am learning to accept some of that, perhaps too slowly.
What I didn't expect is a husband who drinks, a daughter who seems to be caught up in a web of lies or living some sort of denial and a son who is too quick to give up on himself? I didn't expect my husband to be issuing an ultimatum that is basically him or my daughter. I didn't expect my daughter to throw in my face that I am doing nothing about my husband.
My son has so much talent, but at the first sign of struggle he seems to give up and decides not to work at it. My daughter has so much potential and she is letting everything else in the world cloud away her dreams. My husband is a demonstrated leader and hard worker and I see it all withering away in the bottle along with his relationships with both me and the kids. How can so much seem to be going wrong all at one?
I have been fighting so hard to keep my family together that it feels like it is for nothing. I wonder if his statement on Thursday, the indication that one less person would be in this house by next week meant that I should leave?
My daughter, now legally an adult, is allowing significant things to lapse in her life: school, overdue pay, drivers license, paying school loans and deciding on her future. She expects to be treated like an adult and yet is in denial about all of this. My husband doesn't seem to care that his drinking has any impact on the family and as hard as it is to accept that alcholism is an illness, the heart has a hard time accepting the behaviour and the words.
The stress of all of this is wearing very thin right now. I am struggling to do my school paper. I am not achieving at work what I should be. I am avoiding confronting my husband on his drinking and I don't know if I am able to do any of this.
The risk of confronting him is as scary as thinking about living like this for much longer. Either way, saying something is going to hurt as much as not saying anything. It is too painful, but makes me wonder what is so painful in his life that is driving him to drink like this?
I need strength and wisdom and understanding and I do know that God has been here all along, but I am struggling to see the way clear on how to handle this. I am doubting my own motivation.
I need prayer to hear God in all of this stress and to actually quiet my heart and mind to be able to hear him through the sorrow and pain that is clouding everything else. I need God to look after each member of my family and to heal our hearts and what ever is causing all of this to happen. I need God's help to know when and how to challenge the drinking, to know what to say to motivate my daughter and my son in their futures. I need prayer for strength, wisdom, grace and love to work this out in what is potentially stepping into a hornets nest.
The churning inside me never stops; days of suffering confront me." (Job 30:27).
A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out. (Matthew 12:20).
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27
Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; Who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; Who satisfieth thy soul with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's." Psalm 103:1-5
It it hard not to feel sorry for myself and even harder if I think about all that I have to be thankful for. including two wonderful kids that are pretty amazing that I really love. A husband who loves me, but is struggling with alcohol. A great career and wonderful jobs throughout. A great boss, a good house to call home. A God who looks after me through thick and thin.
So the stress in life. Stress can be good and bad. I have chosen the challenges of returning to school, to my second job, I chose my roles in my church involvement. All are conscious decisions I made for myself.
Being a wife, a mother and friend are also choices I made to care, listen, love and risk heartbreak. I have chosen to work hard and have learned that this has resulted in compromises in other areas of my life and am learning to accept some of that, perhaps too slowly.
What I didn't expect is a husband who drinks, a daughter who seems to be caught up in a web of lies or living some sort of denial and a son who is too quick to give up on himself? I didn't expect my husband to be issuing an ultimatum that is basically him or my daughter. I didn't expect my daughter to throw in my face that I am doing nothing about my husband.
My son has so much talent, but at the first sign of struggle he seems to give up and decides not to work at it. My daughter has so much potential and she is letting everything else in the world cloud away her dreams. My husband is a demonstrated leader and hard worker and I see it all withering away in the bottle along with his relationships with both me and the kids. How can so much seem to be going wrong all at one?
I have been fighting so hard to keep my family together that it feels like it is for nothing. I wonder if his statement on Thursday, the indication that one less person would be in this house by next week meant that I should leave?
My daughter, now legally an adult, is allowing significant things to lapse in her life: school, overdue pay, drivers license, paying school loans and deciding on her future. She expects to be treated like an adult and yet is in denial about all of this. My husband doesn't seem to care that his drinking has any impact on the family and as hard as it is to accept that alcholism is an illness, the heart has a hard time accepting the behaviour and the words.
The stress of all of this is wearing very thin right now. I am struggling to do my school paper. I am not achieving at work what I should be. I am avoiding confronting my husband on his drinking and I don't know if I am able to do any of this.
The risk of confronting him is as scary as thinking about living like this for much longer. Either way, saying something is going to hurt as much as not saying anything. It is too painful, but makes me wonder what is so painful in his life that is driving him to drink like this?
I need strength and wisdom and understanding and I do know that God has been here all along, but I am struggling to see the way clear on how to handle this. I am doubting my own motivation.
I need prayer to hear God in all of this stress and to actually quiet my heart and mind to be able to hear him through the sorrow and pain that is clouding everything else. I need God to look after each member of my family and to heal our hearts and what ever is causing all of this to happen. I need God's help to know when and how to challenge the drinking, to know what to say to motivate my daughter and my son in their futures. I need prayer for strength, wisdom, grace and love to work this out in what is potentially stepping into a hornets nest.
The churning inside me never stops; days of suffering confront me." (Job 30:27).
A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out. (Matthew 12:20).
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27
Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; Who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; Who satisfieth thy soul with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's." Psalm 103:1-5
Saturday, 19 November 2011
Torn
An amazing occurrence in that God spoke to me through others. It is okay to seek help, be it through conselling, prayer, reading His word or surrounding yourself with Christian friends. It is not okay to leave unresolved disappointments in the way.
There will be times when we are praying for God to deliver us from a difficult situations, such as take this alcoholism away from my husband when perhaps we should be asking Him to strengthen and comfort us through it so that we may be a witness for Him.
The second is not my expectation, but it may be the path that God has in mind for now. In the mean time, I have sought prayer. Lots of it from trusted people. I have met for the first time with a counsellor.
But I haven't yet spoken to my husband about what an impact his drinking is having on our family. Why is this so difficult? Why am I fearful? Why am I procrastinating? I do not like the discomfort of living like this. I do not want peoples' sympathy. I want to move on with our lives in a more positive direction of respect, love and caring. Why is talking to him about this feeling risky? Why is it a stumbling block? How can I get over this hurdle? How do I set aside my fear and step up?
How do I pull on the "comfort and strength" of God and when do I know that it is the right time? I know the impact that it is having on our family. I know how hurtful, spiteful, hateful it can be to raise an issue or even just inadvertantly be mis-interpretted. How do I take the next step? Where is my faith? Take my unbelief and make it into belief that You can fix this and that You will give me the strength, the words and the compassion to do this.
Prayers appreciated.
God bless
There will be times when we are praying for God to deliver us from a difficult situations, such as take this alcoholism away from my husband when perhaps we should be asking Him to strengthen and comfort us through it so that we may be a witness for Him.
The second is not my expectation, but it may be the path that God has in mind for now. In the mean time, I have sought prayer. Lots of it from trusted people. I have met for the first time with a counsellor.
But I haven't yet spoken to my husband about what an impact his drinking is having on our family. Why is this so difficult? Why am I fearful? Why am I procrastinating? I do not like the discomfort of living like this. I do not want peoples' sympathy. I want to move on with our lives in a more positive direction of respect, love and caring. Why is talking to him about this feeling risky? Why is it a stumbling block? How can I get over this hurdle? How do I set aside my fear and step up?
How do I pull on the "comfort and strength" of God and when do I know that it is the right time? I know the impact that it is having on our family. I know how hurtful, spiteful, hateful it can be to raise an issue or even just inadvertantly be mis-interpretted. How do I take the next step? Where is my faith? Take my unbelief and make it into belief that You can fix this and that You will give me the strength, the words and the compassion to do this.
Prayers appreciated.
God bless
Monday, 7 November 2011
Exasperation
My daughter is a great kid. Okay, no longer a kid at her age, but not far off. She used to have her head on straight. I don't know how much of what she is doing relates to the fear she must have of my husband's drunken anger, or fear of disappointing us, but it really just doesn't make sense.
She spent weeks lying to us, pretending to be going to university. Then she has procrastinated on things that only she can do and that affect her in the end. I don't get it. She is usually an amazing Christian woman! I adore her talents and abilities to deal with children and people. She is charismatic, genuine and caring and is walking down a path where everyone else but her is coming first.
Praying that God will guide her on the right path and watch over her. It is hard to let her make her own mistakes, but it is going to have to be the way it is. I don't like tough love. Don't I have enough to deal with without having to worry about her? What am I missing? Praying so hard not to be anxious...
Philippians 4: 6 - 7.
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
God bless,
She spent weeks lying to us, pretending to be going to university. Then she has procrastinated on things that only she can do and that affect her in the end. I don't get it. She is usually an amazing Christian woman! I adore her talents and abilities to deal with children and people. She is charismatic, genuine and caring and is walking down a path where everyone else but her is coming first.
Praying that God will guide her on the right path and watch over her. It is hard to let her make her own mistakes, but it is going to have to be the way it is. I don't like tough love. Don't I have enough to deal with without having to worry about her? What am I missing? Praying so hard not to be anxious...
Philippians 4: 6 - 7.
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
God bless,
Sunday, 6 November 2011
Who am I?
First, I am new to this and invite you to grow with me.
I am a Christian who is far from perfect.
I am a wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, working woman and truly blessed to be connected in these roles.
I also have stuggles as do many. I struggle with a spouse who has become an alcoholic. I struggle raising two kids in Christian faith in a home where an alcoholic who seems to have turned his back on faith lives. I struggle with my own faults of being a workaholic, a person who fails to say "no" to others often enough and realizing that I may use the other two to avoid the first problem.
I believe that God has blessed me with all that I have including my family, my home, my job, my freedoms, my friends, my church family and opportunities to volunteer in His church. I grew up in a Christian family on a dairy farm which gave me a strong work ethic and an appreciation for the nature and the world around me. I grew up with wonderful Christian friends in high school which laid a foundation for the rest of my life despite times when I didn't follow God as I should, He has always been there.
I live with doubts around my relationship with my husband who I do love and do struggle separating the illness of alcoholism and possibly post-traumatic stress, from the behaviours and resulting emotions which I really hate. Don't get me wrong, I do not believe that I should be walking out on him, but the influence of alcohol to enable hime to deliver vicious verbal barbs can be heart-breaking to deal with.
I am not an expert. I have attended one Alanon meeting and was disappointed with the sharing of decades of living with an alcoholic and the statement "that your higher being could be a blade of grass or the wind in the trees". I have taken a step to seek help through employee assistance and will see how this goes. I have done a fair bit of reading over the last year, but will still continue to struggle with understanding the tie alcohol has on my husband.
God has lead me through rewarding jobs, provided me with great bosses and a successful career. I have great memories with my spouse and for the most part he is a good man when he is sober, provides for us and is a good father. My two kids, who are wonderful in their own ways, also test my desire to be in control, allowing me to earn my white hairs that seem to multiply on their own.
I know that without God in my life, I do not believe that I would have a marriage and family that I have now. Without God in my life, I would not have the strength of spirit that I have, nor the support of the friends that I have. Without God, I would not have the opportunity to be building my faith through working with our youth. Without God, I don't think I would admit or realize that there are others who are far worse off than I am. I see only this past year, friends and relatives who have suffered through a spouse leaving. I pray that God will continue to provide me the strength, stamina, support and love that I need to see our marriage through this.
Who am I? I am not perfect, but I am forgiven. I worry too much, but God looks after me. I do not have all the answers, but God does in His time.
Matthew 6: 25-27
25 Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?
God bless.
I am a Christian who is far from perfect.
I am a wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, working woman and truly blessed to be connected in these roles.
I also have stuggles as do many. I struggle with a spouse who has become an alcoholic. I struggle raising two kids in Christian faith in a home where an alcoholic who seems to have turned his back on faith lives. I struggle with my own faults of being a workaholic, a person who fails to say "no" to others often enough and realizing that I may use the other two to avoid the first problem.
I believe that God has blessed me with all that I have including my family, my home, my job, my freedoms, my friends, my church family and opportunities to volunteer in His church. I grew up in a Christian family on a dairy farm which gave me a strong work ethic and an appreciation for the nature and the world around me. I grew up with wonderful Christian friends in high school which laid a foundation for the rest of my life despite times when I didn't follow God as I should, He has always been there.
I live with doubts around my relationship with my husband who I do love and do struggle separating the illness of alcoholism and possibly post-traumatic stress, from the behaviours and resulting emotions which I really hate. Don't get me wrong, I do not believe that I should be walking out on him, but the influence of alcohol to enable hime to deliver vicious verbal barbs can be heart-breaking to deal with.
I am not an expert. I have attended one Alanon meeting and was disappointed with the sharing of decades of living with an alcoholic and the statement "that your higher being could be a blade of grass or the wind in the trees". I have taken a step to seek help through employee assistance and will see how this goes. I have done a fair bit of reading over the last year, but will still continue to struggle with understanding the tie alcohol has on my husband.
God has lead me through rewarding jobs, provided me with great bosses and a successful career. I have great memories with my spouse and for the most part he is a good man when he is sober, provides for us and is a good father. My two kids, who are wonderful in their own ways, also test my desire to be in control, allowing me to earn my white hairs that seem to multiply on their own.
I know that without God in my life, I do not believe that I would have a marriage and family that I have now. Without God in my life, I would not have the strength of spirit that I have, nor the support of the friends that I have. Without God, I would not have the opportunity to be building my faith through working with our youth. Without God, I don't think I would admit or realize that there are others who are far worse off than I am. I see only this past year, friends and relatives who have suffered through a spouse leaving. I pray that God will continue to provide me the strength, stamina, support and love that I need to see our marriage through this.
Who am I? I am not perfect, but I am forgiven. I worry too much, but God looks after me. I do not have all the answers, but God does in His time.
Matthew 6: 25-27
25 Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?
God bless.
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