Compromised?

It has been over 6 years now since I came to the realisation that his drinking had crept into much more than a social or occasional thing.  It began to dawn on me that I was not equipped to handle the angry outbursts or the belittling insults.  The inconsistency with sober and drunken behaviour began to become evident.

I declared that I could not live like this for as long as a woman talked about at Alanon.  It seemed impossible, yet I am slowly approaching that time and some things have changed, but not for the better.

We have become two people living separate lives.  I no longer watch tv with him as it becomes just a game of mistrust.  Me watching a show becomes me babysitting or monitoring what he is drinking.

I no longer wake him from a drunken slumber.  It is pointless anyways.  I grieve the loss of the sober and am numb to the man who is buried beneath the booze.

How can I have come this far?  I am still struggling, but without the support of Christian friends that God has put in my life, counselling and His constant support despite my stumbling faith. I could not do this.  Will I reach the anniversary I swore I never would. I don't know, but it won't be on my own.

It amazes me the verses that I encounter and these three are reasons why I am still there.  I do not successfully let go of the worry, but I try.  I know that when I begin to move away from God, that things certainly get more challenging.  Lord help me walk more closely with you and let you have control.

1 Peter 5:6-7New International Version (NIV)

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Matthew 11:28New International Version (NIV)

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Psalm 55:22New International Version (NIV)

22 Cast your cares on the Lord
    and he will sustain you;
he will never let
    the righteous be shaken.

Not a switch.

Last night I managed to take the wrong bus.  I ended up off my planned route home. I needed to be somewhere so called home and asked if I might get a ride and suggested a rendezvous point, trying to appreciate the traffic and the inconvenience of coming to get me and how far I thought I could walk to meet up.

Well I messed that up royally!  My instructions on the Southeast corner of the intersection by the onramp didn't work. Then an angry, curt call and why not at a difference location. Then nothing.  Don't know if it was a hang up or not.  Then a drive by with a glaring angry look from the opposite side of the 4 lane street.  I stayed put.  As I watched for the vehicle to come, I was so on edge.  Would the lights cooperate?  Would it be a green light and a rush entrance?  Of course the light was green as the vehicle showed up from around the bend following a long line of cars.

Fours ways initiated, it rolls to a stop. I grab the handle, open the door and the barrage of expletives begins.  I left my headphones on and tried to concentrate on the music as the sharp words ended.  Tried to focus on positive thoughts and the striking difference of the calm demeanour of my father and this angry, out-of-control and hurtful lashing struck me.  Then a muffled question from the otherside of the headphones.  I think I was so lost in thought I didn't hear the exact wards and removed one ear to hear better, offering a useless "pardon".  That just shut everything down.

Arrived home, packed stuff up and got organised.  Was so tempted to leave with out a salutation, but stepped back to offer up a "bye" and "see you later" down the basement stairs as I headed out the door.  Had a great night and came home with angst and worry.  Popped downstairs to see him and then he wonders why I am not in the mood?  How do you explain that? How do you flip the switch from hurt to amorous without acknowledgement, apology or consideration?

It is my humanity that prevents me from offering grace as great as God's.  It is my sinfulness that holds the grudge and clings to the anxiety.  It is my pride that stops things cold and wonders how I got here.  Lord, give me the wisdom to follow through on what your will would be.