Numb

There is a difference in doing what is expected of you. In following the rules and doing what is right and in doing something with passion.

It is right for me to honour my marriage vows which I have done.  It is right for me to support my husband recognizing that alcoholism is a sickness.  It is right for me to treat him with respect, compassion yet draw the line out of self respect.  It is not right to do this with out grace and love.

It is hard to love when love is erratic.  It is difficult to feel loving towards someone who seems to create an emotional roller coaster.  How can I be loving when anger is unjustified, forgiveness is rare and disrespectful attitudes are prevalent.  I cannot do this on my own.  It will take God's help and my willingness to let him help me.  I cannot find such love on my own with the worldly emotions that ensnare us.  With God, I can ask him to show me how to love with grace, how to care when feeling uncared for and how to find the desire to love with enthusiasm rather than out of obligation. I don't think he wants me to be going through the motions only to honour a vow made before Him. God cares more about what is in my heart than what rules I am respecting.  Am I being honest with myself if I am not trying to love.  Am I trying to be a martyr?  Christ gave much more than I have.  I need to give and care as He did and can only do that with his help.

Ephesians 3:20-21  
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.