A dialectic dilemma?

Marriage is a commitment. It is a vow taken as part of God's intended commitment of man and wife. It is an ordinance of the church. It is a life long promise. Vows envelop love, honour, respect and sometimes obey until death.

Biblically speaking, divorce is not acceptable in God's eyes, though in exceptional circumstances of immoral sexual relations, grounds may be considered tolerable.  Not the preferred route biblically.

But when love, honour and respect have fallen to the wayside.  When alcohol has become the preferred mistress. When an admitted attempt to have relations occurred and forgiveness as worked towards, can you change your mind?

There are indications that David was tested to determine if he was ready for the responsibilities that God would put upon his shoulders.  Is this testing to see if I chose God's will?

In the confusion of belligerent insults and drunken spite, it is difficult to hold onto that.  It is easy to say that one would be justified at walking away from such circumstances.  How can it be clear what the right choice is?  How much prayer and soul-searching and counselling is necessary before it is okay to resign in defeat?  Is it wrong to be looking for an out?

How can anyone in good faith work on something that is resulting in no improvement or growth.  Jeremiah indicates God has a plan. Yet if I was foolish enough to become unequally yoked, that wasn't part of God's plan, then are these the consequences?  Are these doubts coming from the wrong place?

Have I honestly prayed for the softening of his heart towards God?  Have I really tried to be an effective witness. How can I honestly discern God's will for me and choose the path He intends.

Is the doubt part of the deception?  Is the second guessing wrong?  The defending of ourselves and our kids when arguing is hopeless is heartbreaking.

I know God hears our prayers.  I just need to be in the word more to clear the fog that is causing interference. I need help to know if the assumption that booze is the mistress is the wrong.  If there is not admittance of illness, sickness, how can I help. If I am to intercede further for him, is there more than prayer?
God, I pray that you soften his heart. I pray you show me and give me confidence to be an effective witness.  I pray for strength, wisdom, stamina, patience, discernment and the ability to forgive whet seems unforgivable.  To give you the pieces of my broken heart.  Lord it is shattered and you know that.  I need your help and I need to see what is the right path.  What is right in the world may not be right in your eyes. Show me what is and give me the confidence to follow through on that. You know how torn I am and have seen what we have experienced.  

Philippians 4:13

New International Version (NIV)

13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Forgiveness

God's grace is unfathomable.  He sacrificed His son so that our sins could be forgiven.  He did not wait for us to sin. His son died for our sins even though we had yet to commit them.  How great is such love?

Why then do I find it so hard to forgive?  Am I holding on to the resentment, the anger, the hurt?  Poor me to live like this?  How do I get past repetitive behaviour of drunken insults?  Absent minded inebriation?  Clumsy affection that keeps happening over and over?  How do I set boundaries when the behaviour is forgotten?  Even conversations with relatives and discussions about vacations are being forgotten.

Would asking for a portion of God's grace allow me to find forgiveness?  Would asking for courage and wisdom allow me to find the right words and the right timing?  Would asking for a softening of his heart for God's love bring us both together?  Could that be the purpose of the waiting?  How do I let go of the resentment, the anger, the disappointment, the frustration, the ridiculous loss of memory that creates friction?  How do I let go of the hurt?

Luke 6:32-38
“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. 35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

Judging Others

37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

Betcha can't top that... okay maybe you can...

So worst Christmas Eve ever. Yelling, tears, broken hearts and hurt feelings.  Quiet New Years and then a wicked cold or something!  Who makes soup and jello and gets juice etc for me?  My kids.
Who asks at midnight if there is anything they can get me as the teetering steps make me wonder if it will be a trip into the bed or not?  Despite antibiotics, missing three days of work, church and still not feeling the best, says I haven't done anything for two weeks?  Kids are going away this weekend and I am so not looking forward to any alone time.

I am excited for the kids, worried of course, but that is a Mom thing, but pray they have a great time.

I am resigned to who knows what, but apathy is not a good thing.  Need some prayer and hopefully find the nerve and time for positive discussion.  Need to get passed exasperation, disappointment and frustration.  Need to let it go.

James 1:2-4

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Foolish

Did I think anything would be different for New Years? Why can't he see what it does to him? Why doesn't he realize that the booze does more than give him a buzz.  The kids walk on egg shells. No one wants to upset him by saying the wrong thing.  No one wants to go there.

What is my resolution for the year?  Working to learn how to better set boundaries for myself.  We shall see.

Interesting repeat verse the last few days with Revelations and Psalms.  The Word is good.  Just need to stay plugged in.  Need to be in His word to stay strong even when I don't think I can.