Fear, anxiety, hardened heart or hatred?

I am beginning to think I need a change of perspective.  For the first time in a very long time I got home from work and it was just my spouse and I.  Both kids were out.

As I walked down the street, on a beautiful clear sky evening, it wasn't joyful anticipation that crossed my mind as I realized the kids would already be gone.  It felt like a net of anxiety wrapped itself around me.  Just me and him.  Would he be drinking?  Had he had something to drink already?  Would it be an enjoyable evening?

When I got home, the pizza had arrived.  We went downstairs and watched Michael J. Fox's new show which was pretty funny.  Love the way he found humour in the Parkinson's disease and joy in life.  It was interesting to note that in some scenes he appeared more tired than others, but what an amazing show he has pulled together!  I digress a bit.

I tried to enjoy the show, but did not fail to notice the glasses of wine with the pizza.  Once the season premier was over, I retreated to try and an assignment done.

It struck me that I am worried about being hurt by stinging, mean-spirited comments and would rather avoid the chance of getting hurt by stepping away as the alcohol has a chance to be absorbed.  The fact that I didn't look forward to alone time, that I immediately noted the wine consumption and that I could not fully relax and enjoy the time together is a problem.

The anger and betrayal I feel at not being able to "let my hair down" completely as who knows when what I say or do might be used against me in an inebriated angry stupor.

I am scared of being hurt. I anticipate anger and criticism and am uncomfortable with opening up to any affection. I expect that I will be hurt rather than hoping, trusting and having faith that my heart and my feelings are going to be treated with sensitivity, concern or respect.
Psalm 27: 5 - For in the day of trouble
    he will keep me safe in his dwelling;he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent    and set me high upon a rock.

God, show me the hurt that is causing the drinking. Show me the way to open my heart if I should. Take away my doubt, mis-trust and fear. Give me courage, compassion, love and forgiveness. But most of all cradle me Lord in your care and give me wisdom to know where to draw the line.

Psalm 27 (New International Version)

Of David.

¹ The Lord is my light and my salvation—
    whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
    of whom shall I be afraid?

² When the wicked advance against me
    to devour^[a] me,
it is my enemies and my foes
    who will stumble and fall.
³ Though an army besiege me,
    my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
    even then I will be confident.

⁴ One thing I ask from the Lord,
    this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
    all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
    and to seek him in his temple.
⁵ For in the day of trouble
    he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
    and set me high upon a rock.

⁶ Then my head will be exalted
    above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
    I will sing and make music to the Lord.

⁷ Hear my voice when I call, Lord;
    be merciful to me and answer me.
⁸ My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
    Your face, Lord, I will seek.
⁹ Do not hide your face from me,
    do not turn your servant away in anger;
    you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
    God my Savior.
¹⁰ Though my father and mother forsake me,
    the Lord will receive me.
¹¹ Teach me your way, Lord;
    lead me in a straight path
    because of my oppressors.
¹² Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
    for false witnesses rise up against me,
    spouting malicious accusations.

¹³ I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
¹⁴ Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord.

Stalled...

It is easier to stare at the computer than it is to tackle the reading I should be doing.  It is easier to think about what everyone else might be doing and enjoying in their lives as we watch the happy photos and posts scroll by.  It is easier to procrastinate and blame the distraction what is breaking our hearts than it is to go out and fix it.

Why do we avoid?  What do we fear?  What if we dived in with both feet?  Is it the fear of being hurt again? Is it the fear of rejection, ridicule, belittlement, or just the unpredictable outcome that results from    cumulative drinks?

Is it easier to hold onto the self pity than to let God carry it for us?  Do we have to do this by ourselves?

Help me to turn it over to you God.  Help me to relinquish the fear, the guilt, the worry and the heartache to you.  You can take this shattered heart and You can heal it.  You can guide me in what needs to be done and give me the strength, the courage and the discernment to tackle what is right.

Where we freeze in fear, thaw our minds and give us courage!  Where we feel resentment, help us to see both sides and where we can handle things differently.  Where we are numbed by belittlement, insult, worry and avoidance, motivate us to take the small steps to move forward. Where we feel the need to make a decision, give us patience and discernment.  Where it is time to forgive, give us compassion and understanding.  Where it is time to rebuke, give us wisdom and justice.

Lord you are with us when it is darkest. Let us settle into the comfort you offer us and stop trying to be in control.

Psalm 91

¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.^[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

³ Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.

⁹ If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
¹⁰ no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ “Because he^[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

You would think it would be normal

Why do I let the cold shoulder and guilt trips get to me?  Why do I take them personally?  I invited him to a movie that I wanted to see.  He said no.  I went to the movie and had supper.  Now it is the sulking behaviour that is getting me down.

Why do I let this behaviour get under my skin?   I do not understand why I am made to feel bad when I am the sober one?  When I have remained patient for so long?  When I have stayed here in all of this?

Perhaps I am choosing self-pity at the moment, but I really don't understand sometimes.

Why, after all this time, do I let it bother me?  Why am I surprised by it? Why can't I just remember it is his choice and not mine on days like this?

Why am  I taken aback that a problem is made out of a mole hill?  Why can't I just let it go?

Lord, let me relinquish control to you.

Great Book

Alone in Marriage by Susie Larson, Moody Publishers.  Well worth the read if you are struggling.

"Lift your heart and let is res upon Jesus and you are instantly in a sanctuary.... You can see God from anywhere if your mind is set to love and obey Him."  A.W. Tozer