I don't want to admit defeat

I don't want an ending. I don't want to call it quits. I know I am struggling and wonder how long I can do this.  I know that I need to count on God, but my heart hurts.  I don't want to live a lie.

I don't like to give up.  Is this because of a fear of failure or is this because there is a reason to walk away.  I need so much prayer and know I only need to ask for God's support.

It has been more than a year and only one counselling session?  I visit to the church because of the kids leading role in it in April.  When do I get what I asked for?

Love Kari Jobe's song, "Here"

"Here"

Come and rest here

Come and lay your burdens down

Come and rest here

There is refuge for you now

[Pre-Chorus:]

You'll find His peace

And know you're not alone anymore

He is near

You'll find His healing

You're heart isn't shattered anymore

He is here 

[Chorus:]

Breathe in

Breathe out

You will

You will find Him here

[Bridge:]

I will rest in You

[Outro:]

You will find Him

You will find Him here

You will find Him

You will find Him here

Prayer

Break the hardened wall that has risen around my heart. Open my eyes to compassion, to forgiveness, to love.  Open my eyes to what is right instead of what is wrong. Give me the grace necessary to overlook his faults and the courage to stand for what is right.  Give me the strength to fight for what is right. Give me the patience to wait for the right steps.  Wrap my heart in love and take away my worries.

Proverbs 3:5-6

New International Version (NIV)

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight

Appreciated and appreciating

Read some notes today as I cleaned out some old papers.  There was a time where people appreciated my humour, my spontaneity and caring ways.  There are people that noticed my contributions and appreciated it.  Funny how we sometimes do not feel appreciated by those who are closest to us.  By the people we believe should appreciate us the most?

What have I stopped doing that no longer merits the appreciation I once felt?  What should I be doing differently to feel that appreciation once again in my home?  Do I need to feel appreciated?

If there is no encouragement, no recognition, no appreciation, then the motivation is hard to find, but if you are doing everything with God in mind, then do I need earthly thanks?

What is the most important will be the kingdom investment and not necessarily the earthly one, though being of this world, it was certainly nice to be reminded that I am appreciated and have been for who I am.

Is there someone I should be expressing my appreciation to that I have not?  Need to be thinking about that.

God bless.

Perspective

Renovations undone. Criticism of what I do and don't do. Loss of memory and resulting arguments of "no one told me".  Angry outbursts. Harsh words. Profession of love. Clumsy groping. Booze on his breath.

Blessed with amazing friends. Amazing family. A home. A funny dog. A good job. Confidence that God is here even when it feels darkest.  He loves me and will care for me. He will protect me and he will lead me if I let Him.

I do not have all the answers and I know that perhaps in time I will understand where this is leading to. I pray for continued strength and courage. Patience, tolerance and understanding and that love will find a way.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body (2 Cor. 4:8-10).