Am I sad that I have been heart broken and I am reluctant to let it happen again? Am I afraid to admit that I may have finally fallen out of love? I have been trying for so long without any success to accept this as an illness. I am feeling like I have been the only one trying. I asked for counselling and church attendance. That is all. I gave everything - heart, soul and body when we were on vacation and since then, not once a willingness to attend church or a query about counselling.
The drinking has increased again over the fall and the vicious and bitter attitude returns at night when there has been drinking. How much can I give without losing everything? Where does tough love end and resentment begin? I am not the depressed victim that felt sorry for him and gave him the benefit of the doubt. I am angry, resentful and discouraged that this is not how I want to live out the rest of my married days with him sitting in front of the TV drinking every night, but I cannot stop him and know that I can't make the decision for him, but what if he won't make the decision?
What if this is all there is left? I want a partnership in a Christ focused marriage and not a one sided disconnected roommate that traverses from an affectionate but guarded relationship to one of distaste and avoidance. If God can love me for all that I have done wrong, why am I having such a hard time finding love. I know when he is sober he loves me, but the drunken behaviour is clouding that more and more and it hard to open up. How can I find it again. How can I hide this? There is no one else. There is no desire to look for anyone else, it is just like there is this hollow hole of numbness that is protecting me from getting hurt anymore. This can't be like this and it cannot be a charade for long.
Where does love come from if you can't find it anymore? When memories of the person who once was are just memories? I don't hate him, but I certainly don't like the drunk person and resent that he finds that more comfortable to be than to be himself or what was himself.
If God can forgive and love me and all of us who are sinners, then should I not find a way to love him through this illness and suffering he is avoiding through the alcohol? I just don't get it.
Charles Stanley's devotional was relevant today, and wish that I knew why this was happening.
January 5/6
The Path of Life
Life is like an untraveled trail with complex twists and turns. Appealing activities can be detours that lead to the quicksand of sin. And engaging philosophies may form side paths that end up in a mire of muddled thinking. Even the best route isn’t all sun-dappled meadows and quiet riverside lanes. We may at times have to journey over hard terrain or shadowed valleys. The only way to be sure we’re walking right is to follow one who knows the way perfectly.
God is the perfect, full-service Guide. No one can go wrong by keeping to the pathways He selects. Consider that He lovingly and intentionally created you for this time and this place. The Lord watches over your steps because He desires to see your purpose fulfilled and His plan come to fruition through you (Prov. 3:5-6). Therefore, He promises to counsel those who follow Him (Ps. 25:12). When God warns His children away from a tempting sidetrack, it is because He foresees the dangers that lurk on that road.
There’s a correlation between ignoring God’s guidance and ending up in trouble: the one who stumbles off course has trusted his own “sense of direction”—his emotions, desires, or personal version of morality. He’s been pursuing what feels good or looks right instead of seeking the Lord’s will.
God has mapped out the path before you. He is aware of every obstacle and miry pit, and He knows exactly which sidetracks will tempt you. What’s more, He has committed to walk beside you as a Guide and Comforter so that you never face the twists and turns of this life alone.
