Things seemed to be getting better. The drinking had slowed significantly until last week. Then the drinking started and things just seemed to get worse. The criticisms, the insults, the swearing, the under the breath comments that I knew were insulting by the tone and the intermittent expletives?
What did I expect? A smooth road to full recovery and no speed bumps? Why did I let it get to me? Why did I take it so personally? Why didn't I prepare myself for a slip? Why did I expect the behaviour during the drinking to be any different? Because I had shared my concern? Because we had been to a counsellor together?
I felt hurt and heart broken. The emotional abuse restarted and I didn't even see it was going to come. It was like walking into a baseball bat without knowing anyone was going to swing it. Nothing I did was right. Everything was poor, wrong or damaging. After three days of criticism an obligatory appreciative remark after a significant amount of work felt like such a slap and so fake, I called him on it. I couldn't take one little " you did a good job, baby" after three days of criticism and treatment like utter incompetence. He was offended, but what did he expect?
Then discussing a visit and everything went sour. I went anyways. Came home to two nights of sober, but cold shoulders so far. Why is it he thinks I have done something wrong? Why is it that I am being so stubborn? What am I supposed to say or do? Plead to know what is wrong? Am I wrong to be stubborn? Am I supposed to crawl back and always ask what is wrong? I just don't know. How will I know the next time he falls off the wagon? How do I stop myself from being so gullible that everything will be fine? How do I help without compromising myself?
Do I start the thaw or wait it out? Do I ask what is wrong or stand my ground? How can I forgive something that he doesn't even own up to doing or probably even remember being offencive attitude and behaviour? How do I broach the issue? How do I hold the alcoholic responsible if he never apologizes or acknowledges having done anything wrong? How do I let go of the anger and hurt if I am scared it will happen again?
I am truly thankful for the treasures God has placed in my life and am amazed that He knew what gems they could be. Seeking His guidance on how to proceed respectfully, but without compromise at the moment.
God bless.
Wednesday, 8 August 2012
Wednesday, 1 August 2012
Intimacy and insecurity?
How is it that the person that drinks can make the non-drinker feel insecure, self-conscious and completely isolated sometimes? Why am I the incompetent one? Why am I the one that doesn't put out enough?
What would motivate a normally person to want to be intimate with a clumsy uncoordinated person that reeks of booze? What is attractive and romantic about being groped or poked with the finesse of a bull in a china shop? Why then am I made to feel cold?
What is it that makes considering intimacy during periods of soberness incomprehensible? The lack of genuine interest when sober makes me think that the desire for intimacy when a few drinks are under the belt have nothing to do with love or affection.
So, I am frigid? Don't get me wrong, I have truly enjoyed the increase periods of sober time together. And it is comfortable to see more of my spouse back to what I remember, but the decisions to drink when we could be relating, talking, or doing other things together.
The choice to drink in the evenings means that I am the only one that can pick up the kids. Yes, to have one drink would be nice, but one becomes two and then three and then a glass of wine, and then something else. So is the delay in drinking just leading to a binge drinking later in the night?
It is hard to know, but I only pray that this is truly a path towards improvement and not a false sense of change.
I will keep praying for continued improvement and hope that it is the beginning of real change and that the choice.
if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14
God Bless.
What would motivate a normally person to want to be intimate with a clumsy uncoordinated person that reeks of booze? What is attractive and romantic about being groped or poked with the finesse of a bull in a china shop? Why then am I made to feel cold?
What is it that makes considering intimacy during periods of soberness incomprehensible? The lack of genuine interest when sober makes me think that the desire for intimacy when a few drinks are under the belt have nothing to do with love or affection.
So, I am frigid? Don't get me wrong, I have truly enjoyed the increase periods of sober time together. And it is comfortable to see more of my spouse back to what I remember, but the decisions to drink when we could be relating, talking, or doing other things together.
The choice to drink in the evenings means that I am the only one that can pick up the kids. Yes, to have one drink would be nice, but one becomes two and then three and then a glass of wine, and then something else. So is the delay in drinking just leading to a binge drinking later in the night?
It is hard to know, but I only pray that this is truly a path towards improvement and not a false sense of change.
I will keep praying for continued improvement and hope that it is the beginning of real change and that the choice.
if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14
God Bless.
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