Disappointing realization

Finally, I have taken the step, beyond what I started in the fall.  I am getting some help, but it is not resulting in what I thought.

I want to fix things, but accept that I cannot until he wants to fix things.  I was uncertain how long I could hold on with the quit-smoking campaign, but my naive optimism may see some light on that front.

What I didn't expect were the hard questions...  What is special about the two of us?  I don't know? What we have in common is our career experience, camping (which is not a lot of time) and TV and not even that so much anymore.

Our vacations have predominately been with other friends.  The ones where we have gone alone have been okay or disastrous.  I am worried that I am holding tight to the ideal and not the real thing!

Is it possible that I am holding on to the ideal to the detriment of my kids, my faith and each other?
He used to joke about and throw around the word divorce... I finally told him that if he asked one more time, I would say yes if he wanted to joke about it.  He has never joked about it again.

I have lost sight of what I valued in him in the last five years.  I despise the alcohol. I despise the behaviour. I resent that he has disappeared and that he doesn't even seem to want to "come back". It was suggested that the alcohol is the mistress and that was like a slap.  Now our friends are all separating, we do not have any close couple friends any longer and our individual friends are now in different directions. 

I went to visit friends this weekend.  I worried about asking to go.  I did and was told that I didn't need to ask.  So went.  I get the cold shoulder when I get home!  I have no idea why, but two days of terse responses and no conversation. 

There have been some themes about eliminating the bad things, separating ourselves from evil (the wheat from the chaff, refiner fire, the potters clay and the perfection necessary).  This pertains to other things that are happening in my life beyond my marriage and I wonder where the similarities and the differences relating to this begins and ends.

Need prayer, study and faith to figure through this.
God bless.

Just don't know!

Not sure if it is just discouragement or resignation.  So he quit smoking.  It has been one month of walking around on eggshells. Hoping not to offend. Trying to ensure that I say the right thing.  Not always successful.

It is no longer a matter of trying to keep the peace, it has become a matter of avoidance and trying not to upset the apple cart.  The nicotine withdrawal creates negative mood swings and add on some wine and it is just like having stolen the honey pot from a grouchy bear. 

I think I have the courage at times to confront and then just back up in fear (on the inside anyways).  I really am not equipped to handle and angry drunk and wonder how I am to try and hold a marriage together with such a volatile and unpredictable mood.  Even the kids would rather be anywhere else but home. 

I am continually surprised by more angry outbursts and irrational comments and decisions.  I really don't understand what is going on anymore and it is hard for someone who just wants to fix things!

I keep reading and I believe that marriage vows are for life and believe that that is the preference in the Bible.  But I also read that we need to separate ourselves from unclean things and in some cases be willing to leave our families for God, but I don't think that is the context I am to read into things.

He offered to take our son to a strip club last week.  I was aghast that he would even contemplate something like that.  I just don't know what is happening anymore.

Praying for wisdom and strong faith!