I am 50 percent responsible for my relationship with anyone else and 100 percent responsible for my relationship with myself.
If someone is continually judgemental, run from that relationship. It is an energy drainer and not an energizing relationship. Voice of a closed mind is judgement. Suspending judgement is difficult.
How often do I give a false "yes" to please, to conform, to avoid conflict? How many false "yes's" before the resentment becomes too much?
If I only use 10 percent, of what I give others, on myself, what a difference it could make.
How did the same Creator make me and make Trump, Hitler, the criminals, the others I struggle with? God created each of us. He created my spouse. He created Trump. He created Hitler. He created everyone. How is that? How do we differ so much in how we treat others? If the other person is as human as I am, how do I observe without judgement? Can I?
People stay in unhealthy relationships - better to stay in the known than what I don't know.
Safety vs Purpose? Safety can be the danger zone.
Deconstruct to allow something new to appear in the visible.
Let go of the trapeze to grasp the next one.
Fear inhibits the letting go
Fear can be when we are frozen.
Change your ego. Change your story. Change your story. Change your life.
What is my request?
Have to let go to let come.
Love has no conditions.
Safety= Fear
Sunday, 11 February 2018
Monday, 15 January 2018
Aimless
Well, the time arrived where the empty nest happened. Quiet has decended on our home as grown up children begin their new lives. Morning the quiet, proud of their next steps, excited for their new accomplishments yet anxious about returning home each evening to the unknown. Such a roller coaster of peaks and valleys.
Letting go is not easy. Drawing boundaries even remains difficult. Fighting back at the criticisms and insults seems pointless at times. WOndering about what might have been if there was no booze. Still a dreamer, but crashing down to reality more often.
Is it bad that I look forward to him being away? It is wrong that time alone is like gold? Is it selfish? I almost resent the return home. Why does alcohol become so all-consuming? It is like there is an affair going on but it is with the booze.
Most nights upon arrival home, admittedly later and later, ther eis some passed out unknown person who then stumbles to bed at who knows what hour. Burying myself in studies and other activities give a reprieve to what the real world must be like.
In sickness and in health... who knew that this would be the kind of sickness I would encounter. Who know that there would be a turn from professed believer to practically a denier. Who knew that I would struggle to pray for him to believe, to stop drinking and to be a friend rather than a drunken foe.
Wny do I find it so hard to make a decision about this relationship? Is it the security? Is it the fear of the unknown? Is it the risk of anger? Is it the fear of failure or admitting failure has happened? Is it fear of retaliation?
What are the pros of ending this relationship? Freedom, independence, elimination of negativity, anger, criticism, insults, uneven relationship, losing what I have now, compromising plans.
Cons - the cost, the embarrassment, the likely hatred, the disappointment, starting over, change in routine.
What no longer exists now? Is mending an option or possibility? What direction is the right direction?
What about the suspicion? Is it an affair? Would he dare? I caught him before and it stopped immediately and was remorseful. How do I get past that? Is that enough reason to walk away?
So many questions and so much uncertainty. How can we dream and plan if there is not discussion.
Does that mean we stop?
Letting go is not easy. Drawing boundaries even remains difficult. Fighting back at the criticisms and insults seems pointless at times. WOndering about what might have been if there was no booze. Still a dreamer, but crashing down to reality more often.
Is it bad that I look forward to him being away? It is wrong that time alone is like gold? Is it selfish? I almost resent the return home. Why does alcohol become so all-consuming? It is like there is an affair going on but it is with the booze.
Most nights upon arrival home, admittedly later and later, ther eis some passed out unknown person who then stumbles to bed at who knows what hour. Burying myself in studies and other activities give a reprieve to what the real world must be like.
In sickness and in health... who knew that this would be the kind of sickness I would encounter. Who know that there would be a turn from professed believer to practically a denier. Who knew that I would struggle to pray for him to believe, to stop drinking and to be a friend rather than a drunken foe.
Wny do I find it so hard to make a decision about this relationship? Is it the security? Is it the fear of the unknown? Is it the risk of anger? Is it the fear of failure or admitting failure has happened? Is it fear of retaliation?
What are the pros of ending this relationship? Freedom, independence, elimination of negativity, anger, criticism, insults, uneven relationship, losing what I have now, compromising plans.
Cons - the cost, the embarrassment, the likely hatred, the disappointment, starting over, change in routine.
What no longer exists now? Is mending an option or possibility? What direction is the right direction?
What about the suspicion? Is it an affair? Would he dare? I caught him before and it stopped immediately and was remorseful. How do I get past that? Is that enough reason to walk away?
So many questions and so much uncertainty. How can we dream and plan if there is not discussion.
Does that mean we stop?
Saturday, 14 October 2017
By the numbers
1 - first year of marriage for my daughter and son-in-law.
2 - number of kids I had
3 oops now 4 - the number of kids I have now. :D
4 - number of months my son has been smitten with a girl.
5 - number of hours since the truck left with my son to move into his first apartment with his girl.
6 - number of years since returning to university.
10 - number of years since I labelled my husband's drinking as an issue.
30 - number of years we just celebrated being married.
50ish - number of times I have travelled around the sun...
∞ - too numerous to count are the tears, tears of sadness, heartache, anger, bittersweet, grief, joy, pride and happiness that life has
The struggle of watching the truck drive away this afternoon was one of those emotionally overwhelming moments of life. <3 <3
2 - number of kids I had
3 oops now 4 - the number of kids I have now. :D
4 - number of months my son has been smitten with a girl.
5 - number of hours since the truck left with my son to move into his first apartment with his girl.
6 - number of years since returning to university.
10 - number of years since I labelled my husband's drinking as an issue.
30 - number of years we just celebrated being married.
50ish - number of times I have travelled around the sun...
∞ - too numerous to count are the tears, tears of sadness, heartache, anger, bittersweet, grief, joy, pride and happiness that life has
The struggle of watching the truck drive away this afternoon was one of those emotionally overwhelming moments of life. <3 <3
Sunday, 6 March 2016
Regrets or disappointments
I was and sometimes am quite naive.
I believe the story you told me that you would go to church with me... after all, you came with me before we were married and then it stopped. I even stopped for a while.
When I returned to church, you were not interested. When there were special events at the church for the children, you rarely came. Now church is not something you do and it is something that I value.
It isn't just church though. It is the Joy of the Lord, the assurance of God, the peace of Christ, the fellowship of believers. It is knowing that despite my failures that God's grace is big enough to forgive them and that I have a hope of getting into heaven.
I don't know about you anymore. The kids volunteer at a Christian youth retreat and you tarnish it with inappropriate comments about what they did. You haven't even been to church in over a year now. You criticise and scrutinise any resources going to the church.
I have invited you to go, but you decline. I don't know what is scarier. That I no longer know what to pray for to help you open your heart or that I don't think I will see you in heaven.
Yes, despite the drinking, despite the drunken put downs, despite the diminishing insults, despite the stumbling and fumbling, I try to pray for you. I pray that your heart will be softened. I pray that your mind will be open. I pray that you might want to go to church. I pray that you wouldn't insult or criticize me or the kids. I pray that I say and do the right things. I pray that despite my growing resentment, my disappointment that we cannot share scriptures or that you don't come to church with me or that I don't have a partner in prayer that you find Jesus, but I feel I have been deceived.
What is it about church that turned you away from it? What is it about me that makes you think church is not for you? What is it that I need to pray for to let God open your heart?
I regret that I believe you would go to church. I am disappointed that you don't try and that you don't accept the invitation to go.
How do I find the grace to let that go?
I believe the story you told me that you would go to church with me... after all, you came with me before we were married and then it stopped. I even stopped for a while.
When I returned to church, you were not interested. When there were special events at the church for the children, you rarely came. Now church is not something you do and it is something that I value.
It isn't just church though. It is the Joy of the Lord, the assurance of God, the peace of Christ, the fellowship of believers. It is knowing that despite my failures that God's grace is big enough to forgive them and that I have a hope of getting into heaven.
I don't know about you anymore. The kids volunteer at a Christian youth retreat and you tarnish it with inappropriate comments about what they did. You haven't even been to church in over a year now. You criticise and scrutinise any resources going to the church.
I have invited you to go, but you decline. I don't know what is scarier. That I no longer know what to pray for to help you open your heart or that I don't think I will see you in heaven.
Yes, despite the drinking, despite the drunken put downs, despite the diminishing insults, despite the stumbling and fumbling, I try to pray for you. I pray that your heart will be softened. I pray that your mind will be open. I pray that you might want to go to church. I pray that you wouldn't insult or criticize me or the kids. I pray that I say and do the right things. I pray that despite my growing resentment, my disappointment that we cannot share scriptures or that you don't come to church with me or that I don't have a partner in prayer that you find Jesus, but I feel I have been deceived.
What is it about church that turned you away from it? What is it about me that makes you think church is not for you? What is it that I need to pray for to let God open your heart?
I regret that I believe you would go to church. I am disappointed that you don't try and that you don't accept the invitation to go.
How do I find the grace to let that go?
Sunday, 28 February 2016
Analogies
There are so many...
It takes time, heat and pressure for a diamond to be made.
It takes time and effort for a butterfly to emerge from its cocoon.
It takes breaking eggs, spilt milk, sifted flour and baking to get to a chocolate cake.
It this the time of pressure and difficulties? Job didn't have it easy. He had so much and then lost so much. He held on to God through everything he went through. How can I do the same.
God has provided so much that I need to focus on that and be thankful. Everything else will fall into place at one point or another, but in Gods, time. The hardest part sometimes is waiting for God's time to arrive.
It takes time, heat and pressure for a diamond to be made.
It takes time and effort for a butterfly to emerge from its cocoon.
It takes breaking eggs, spilt milk, sifted flour and baking to get to a chocolate cake.
It this the time of pressure and difficulties? Job didn't have it easy. He had so much and then lost so much. He held on to God through everything he went through. How can I do the same.
God has provided so much that I need to focus on that and be thankful. Everything else will fall into place at one point or another, but in Gods, time. The hardest part sometimes is waiting for God's time to arrive.
Saturday, 27 February 2016
Discord
How do you balance what the world says with what your vows say?
How do you take one of the only things that we commit to before God any more. To love, to honour and obey, in sickness and in health against deserving to be happy.
I now that the alcoholism is a symptom of PTSD or something. If someone has cancer they go to the doctor and they get treatment. If someone gets Parkinsons, or MS or MD, they go and get diagnosed and treated. How long, when someone is living with alcoholism, can you expect to wait before they will go to get help? What has to be the trigger to make them seek a diagnosis or treatment.
If we are not happy together, today's world suggests we may be happy apart. A counsellor even suggested that it may be a matter of giving the ultimatum that it is the drinking or me.
He has to decide to get better, but he has to admit that he is sick first. It has been 9 years and he doesn't see it. How can this be so difficult?
I said I would never wait this long for the alcoholism to fester, but I have and I really don't know how much longer I can do this. Is it a matter of my mental health? Is it selfish of me to step out? How do I do that? What are the implications? Why do I worry about others more than myself?
I just don't know any more. Is happiness more important than working things out?
How do you take one of the only things that we commit to before God any more. To love, to honour and obey, in sickness and in health against deserving to be happy.
I now that the alcoholism is a symptom of PTSD or something. If someone has cancer they go to the doctor and they get treatment. If someone gets Parkinsons, or MS or MD, they go and get diagnosed and treated. How long, when someone is living with alcoholism, can you expect to wait before they will go to get help? What has to be the trigger to make them seek a diagnosis or treatment.
If we are not happy together, today's world suggests we may be happy apart. A counsellor even suggested that it may be a matter of giving the ultimatum that it is the drinking or me.
He has to decide to get better, but he has to admit that he is sick first. It has been 9 years and he doesn't see it. How can this be so difficult?
I said I would never wait this long for the alcoholism to fester, but I have and I really don't know how much longer I can do this. Is it a matter of my mental health? Is it selfish of me to step out? How do I do that? What are the implications? Why do I worry about others more than myself?
I just don't know any more. Is happiness more important than working things out?
Tuesday, 23 February 2016
Uncoupling
The Internet is full of weird articles, but I read an article about uncoupling and thought it an accurate depiction of the current state.
Upon return from a recent trip, between security and the gate, my ticket disappeared. What did he do? Boarded without even seeing if there might be a problem with getting a new ticket with the service agent or if I would even get on the flight.
I don't think I have ever felt so jilted in all my life! No chivalry, no concern, no stand by your partner, just leave me behind and board the flight.
How do you even forgive something like that? When that kind of behaviour happens, I struggle to find grace.
To his credit, I have to say, he does laundry, he does prepare meals, and given I work later, I am blessed that he will go ahead and prepare supper and enjoys cooking, though usually over cooks most things. Can I focus on the things he does right?
Upon return from a recent trip, between security and the gate, my ticket disappeared. What did he do? Boarded without even seeing if there might be a problem with getting a new ticket with the service agent or if I would even get on the flight.
I don't think I have ever felt so jilted in all my life! No chivalry, no concern, no stand by your partner, just leave me behind and board the flight.
How do you even forgive something like that? When that kind of behaviour happens, I struggle to find grace.
To his credit, I have to say, he does laundry, he does prepare meals, and given I work later, I am blessed that he will go ahead and prepare supper and enjoys cooking, though usually over cooks most things. Can I focus on the things he does right?
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