Well, the time arrived where the empty nest happened. Quiet has decended on our home as grown up children begin their new lives. Morning the quiet, proud of their next steps, excited for their new accomplishments yet anxious about returning home each evening to the unknown. Such a roller coaster of peaks and valleys.
Letting go is not easy. Drawing boundaries even remains difficult. Fighting back at the criticisms and insults seems pointless at times. WOndering about what might have been if there was no booze. Still a dreamer, but crashing down to reality more often.
Is it bad that I look forward to him being away? It is wrong that time alone is like gold? Is it selfish? I almost resent the return home. Why does alcohol become so all-consuming? It is like there is an affair going on but it is with the booze.
Most nights upon arrival home, admittedly later and later, ther eis some passed out unknown person who then stumbles to bed at who knows what hour. Burying myself in studies and other activities give a reprieve to what the real world must be like.
In sickness and in health... who knew that this would be the kind of sickness I would encounter. Who know that there would be a turn from professed believer to practically a denier. Who knew that I would struggle to pray for him to believe, to stop drinking and to be a friend rather than a drunken foe.
Wny do I find it so hard to make a decision about this relationship? Is it the security? Is it the fear of the unknown? Is it the risk of anger? Is it the fear of failure or admitting failure has happened? Is it fear of retaliation?
What are the pros of ending this relationship? Freedom, independence, elimination of negativity, anger, criticism, insults, uneven relationship, losing what I have now, compromising plans.
Cons - the cost, the embarrassment, the likely hatred, the disappointment, starting over, change in routine.
What no longer exists now? Is mending an option or possibility? What direction is the right direction?
What about the suspicion? Is it an affair? Would he dare? I caught him before and it stopped immediately and was remorseful. How do I get past that? Is that enough reason to walk away?
So many questions and so much uncertainty. How can we dream and plan if there is not discussion.
Does that mean we stop?
