I was and sometimes am quite naive.
I believe the story you told me that you would go to church with me... after all, you came with me before we were married and then it stopped. I even stopped for a while.
When I returned to church, you were not interested. When there were special events at the church for the children, you rarely came. Now church is not something you do and it is something that I value.
It isn't just church though. It is the Joy of the Lord, the assurance of God, the peace of Christ, the fellowship of believers. It is knowing that despite my failures that God's grace is big enough to forgive them and that I have a hope of getting into heaven.
I don't know about you anymore. The kids volunteer at a Christian youth retreat and you tarnish it with inappropriate comments about what they did. You haven't even been to church in over a year now. You criticise and scrutinise any resources going to the church.
I have invited you to go, but you decline. I don't know what is scarier. That I no longer know what to pray for to help you open your heart or that I don't think I will see you in heaven.
Yes, despite the drinking, despite the drunken put downs, despite the diminishing insults, despite the stumbling and fumbling, I try to pray for you. I pray that your heart will be softened. I pray that your mind will be open. I pray that you might want to go to church. I pray that you wouldn't insult or criticize me or the kids. I pray that I say and do the right things. I pray that despite my growing resentment, my disappointment that we cannot share scriptures or that you don't come to church with me or that I don't have a partner in prayer that you find Jesus, but I feel I have been deceived.
What is it about church that turned you away from it? What is it about me that makes you think church is not for you? What is it that I need to pray for to let God open your heart?
I regret that I believe you would go to church. I am disappointed that you don't try and that you don't accept the invitation to go.
How do I find the grace to let that go?
