I read an interesting post today about bullying in marriage. It resonated so loudly! Tension, panic, fear are not relationship attributes that are healthy. It is a rut that we get into and that we find difficult to see a way out of. When I mess up, it is belittlement, insult and hurtful remarks that are made. When he does the same thing, nothing is made of it. That doesn't even cover the times that he is drinking. I know it is in sickness and in health, but is it a sickness when the intimidation is done sober? Is it sickness when drinking is controlled? Like before a medical? Perhaps I am the one that is sick to believe that something will change. I invite him to church to be told that he dislikes the sermons. I see how he has marked our children's hearts and minds and pray that they will heal. I feel I should have taken them out of this before now and feel worse as I learn new things? How does God look upon me if I just give up and walk away? How can I live when I believe in the vow I made, but I am guilty of feeling no love? How can I forgive when I feel bitter and not forgiveness is sought?
I believe that God has a purpose for all of this, but I cannot see the bigger picture. I believe that God can change things, but why is the door closed so tightly? How do I stop the insults, innuendos about my genealogy, my intelligence, my habits? How do I battle in a battlefield that is illogical and hurtful? How can love be professed and such spiteful words be hurtled?
I do pray for understanding, but I wonder if this could ever refer to the devil being cast away from all of this? I would never wish harm on my husband, but I do wish that satan's hand would be neutralised. I am chilled by the harshness of these words and I would pray this to be rid of satan's hold on the alcoholism that exists in this home and is poisoning his mind.
19 O that you would kill the wicked, O God,
and that the bloodthirsty would depart from me—
20 those who speak of you maliciously,
and lift themselves up against you for evil!
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
22 I hate them with perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies.
Psalm 139:19-22 NRSV
