Climbing the mountain

Have you ever driven through the Rockies?  You know that perspective that you are almost there, but then there is another bend in the road, another hilltop leads to another valley to cross?

I have thought several times that things might actually be getting better.  I thought that quitting drinking might have been a hoped for change and hoped for more. I was foolish enough to think it more than once.  Now that the health concern is out of the way, the drinking has resumed and it seems like I was only fooling myself.

I yearn for a friend I can trust. I long for a partner who will go to church and study God's word and pray with me. I desire a companion to celebrate and commiserate with.  I dream of affection where I can confidently know it isn't the booze that is causing desire rather than love.  I dream of calm and logical discussions instead of unpredictable moods and burning judgements and accusations.  I imagine a helpmate that I can talk about joys, speed bumps, issues and problems without fear of reprisal, judgement or criticism.

I am thankful that he came to church for Mothers' Day. I am thankful that he came to brunch to celebrate that, but disappointed that I organized it.  I am also thankful for business trips where I can let down my guard even if only for a few days.

I struggle with knowing what is the right next step.  What does God want me to do?  How do I know what is true and what is not?  How can I prevent my faith from being inhibited? How can I keep my hope squarely on God in all of this?  How can I stop from faltering in my prayer life and my scripture reading and devotions?  How can I stop the discouragement from distracting me.

Psalm 91

1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

3 Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ “Because he^[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”