How easy it is to do this for others for whom we do not know well. The homeless, the less fortunate, those who have challenges that we do not. To give to those who do not have what we have. To embrace those who need support and encouragement. Then why is it so difficult to do these things for a spouse who faces the all consuming battle with alcohol? How do we manage to balance our matrimonial commitment to love and honour them in sickness and in health when their personalities can be so unpredictable - loving and caring and in bare split seconds caustic and spiteful?
What happens when you feel flame that once existed between you being extinguished? When the clumsy grope has replaced the caressing hug, when the gentle kisses have become careless and overwhelmingly scented by the drink of the day? When the booze on his breath is repulsive and shows that it is more important than me, his family? When reciprocating feels forced and an obligation rather than enticing or exciting? Where the attraction is defused in the fog of clumsiness and sickening smell. How can it be that callus criticism has become the norm and armoured protection has enveloped my heart. Tolerance, acceptance, understanding and appreciation that this is a sickness are seeping further and further away from my mind's grasp.
I have prayed for healing. I have prayed for understanding. I have prayed for the drinking to stop. I have seen some changes and then they disappear again. It is scary to see how routine abnormal has become. Insults, scoff, muttering, cynical remarks, critical insults to the point that appreciation, respect, encouragement and support seem surprising, foreign, undeserved, and distant.
I need strength Lord. I need you to Open my heart. I need you to take over where I no longer can.
I am struggling to hold what is right. I do not want it to be a love of obligation, but a love of joy and happiness once again. I know that I cannot maintain this with out You Lord. I know that this is beyond my capabilities to handle on my own. I know that you can give me the strength, comfort and protection that my heart and soul need. I know that I need to let go and let you have control. I know that I need your help to move forward and need to find it within myself to really love.
Show me the way Lord and give me the courage to love and forgive. Give me the strength to find the path that You would have me take.
Psalm 91
1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
3 Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
9 If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
14 “Because he[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”
